Sometimes I Write

O.K. It finally overtook me and I had to do something about it. I got on my high school website, I pulled out my old yearbooks and read all of the comments (which mostly said “Have a nice summer…see you next year), and even emailed my Science teacher, Mr. Kartman, to thank him for being a positive influence in my life. THEN, I got on the alumni website to see who was on there. I found two friends that I haven’t emailed yet, but I’m going to. Even if they don’t remember me very well, I am happy for the opportunity to thank them for their friendship during a very tumultuous (my big word for the day) time of my life. I am registered with Classmates.com but I’m not paying their fee so I can see details about my classmate’s lives. There is one name missing that I look for every time, but I’m not saying who it is. 😉 If anyone wants to find me, they can google me. Though that may be hard with just my maiden name.

I’m still in touch (sort of) with my two best friends from high school: Tim Ranis and Lyanna (Steers) Opitz. I met both of them my Freshmen year. Tim’s wife sends me updates on their family every year and I love her for it. I was in Andy and Lyanna’s wedding the year before Max was born. What an honor that was, since I am the one who introduced them. I have run into a few people from high school while visiting family in LaCrosse, but have been wondering how everyone else is doing now that we’re adults. I wish I could get a glimpse into the lives of those I’m curious about. It reminds me of watching 13 Going On 30, where Chris Grandy, the school hottie, grows up to be a sleazy cab driver. What did happen to Central High School’s hotties? What about the nerds, the drama queens, the jocks and cheerleaders, and the potheads? Have they all changed as much as I have? Did they all grow up and out of their reputations, expectations, and labels?

High School was the worst and best time of my life. The worst part was my family and my home life which went back and forth between being volatile and non-existent. I stayed away as much as I could – throwing myself into extra curricular activities as long as they didn’t cost money. I didn’t have any. I actually quit a sports team because I couldn’t afford the uniform and was too embarrassed to talk to the coach about it. That’s sad, because I was pretty good at it. I had a few classes I enjoyed, but I mostly blended in and slipped through the cracks because I was a “good” kid. Very few people knew how much of a mess I was because it wasn’t obvious. I didn’t do drugs, drink, smoke, or get in trouble with the law. The only clue was my promiscuity – I HAD to have a boyfriend or I felt worthless. That’s where Tim stepped in. No, he was never my boyfriend. He was the first boy to show an interest in anything other than my body. He taught me that I was worthy of respect and he expected me to act like it. Really! I had never had anyone call me out on how I dressed or acted with boys…especially a boy. Wow! It hurt at first, but I love him for it! After Benny met Tim, before he was married to his wife, Benny told me that if anything ever happened to him, he wanted me to marry Tim. LOL Yes, he’s that great a guy. Without Tim in my life, my high school experience would have turned out very differently and I would not have remained a virgin. He was that life changing for me.

The best times were spent with the Music and Drama Departments. I was in a quartet and we were GOOD! We sang all over town for different functions, made the newspaper, and won awards at singing competitions. That is how Lyanna and I became the best of friends. She was in it too. I also discovered CROSSFIRE, a Christian teen center downtown. I hung out there whenever it was open, and even volunteered time. It was through CROSSFIRE that I first experienced the power of the Holy Spirit. My life began changing. It was a very slow process, but it was a beginning.

I used to think it might be bad to look back – look what happened to Lot’s wife. 🙂 jk It’s not healthy to ALWAYS be looking back, but it’s good to do it every now and then. When I look back, it is glaringly obvious to me how far I’ve come. I can see where I was and how my path changed and when God grabbed hold of me. I’ve been clinging to Him since then. What a rocky path it has been, but I see the people He put there along the way. People who helped me in their own little ways to become the wife, mother, and friend that I am today. I wish I could show those people who didn’t believe in me how I’ve changed and what God has done in my life. I wish I could take back all of the dating and playing with fire (sexually) that I did. I wish I would have been a better witness – I was a horrible one. I gave new meaning to the term “missionary dating” – you know – when you date someone hoping to win them to Christ, then totally blow it by being such a bad witness that you’re a good example of a hippocrate. That was me. Here is a poem written in college by a girl I once knew…I once was. I’m not her anymore…

I’ve come so far, or so I feel,
I rose above my past.
I’ve climbed tall mountains of uncertainty,
and been over fences in search of greener grass.
I’ve changed a lot,
Yet I’m not the way I wish to be…
it haunts me still – my past.

I’m glad it doesn’t haunt me now…I became a new creation, and I’ve learned from it. I wrote another poem then too. I wrote:

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…
Lord, tell me, who is my beholder?

That was all. It was a cry out to God. I shared it with Tim and he added to it. He wrote:

Jesus:
My precious, precious child,
I am your beholder,
and you are beautiful!

Everyone needs a friend like that!

I have a few confessions to make. In my ongoing quest to be my true self I would like to divulge a few more secrets of Niki. (I’m a closet nerd.)

The first one is that I am a HUGE fan of the Disney channel original movie, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! We recorded it last week while Benny was gone, and we’ve watched it every day since then. After seeing it for the first time, I couldn’t get the songs out of my head. Neither could Max. There we were unloading the dishwasher singing a line from the song, “Breaking Free”. Even Petey kept saying, “Getcha head in the game”. My nostalgic self thought about my own days involved with the Drama Club in high school, although none of the guys were as cute as Zac Efron! (No offense) Well…maybe Scott Comin was. I liked it so much that I went to Borders and bought the soundtrack, which we’ve listened to twice already. Tonight was family movie night so guess what we made Benny watch? He said he was surprised how much he liked it since it was Disney,which he thinks sometimes is not always age-appropriate in their shows. He gave me a hard time asking why I was having the kids watch a high school drama. In my defense, there is no kissing, no cussing, and lots of good lessons were learned by all. The music and the dance sequences are fun and engaging. Yes, we’ll be buying it when it comes out on DVD.

I hate the word “anonymous”. Having an unknown or unacknowledged name to me is very pointless. I see it as a weak word. It’s crazy to me that people still want to remain anonymous in a world full of people who are longing to be known and heard. It seems to me it is the opposite of what I want – community and fellowship with others. It is used to be nasty and mean by people who don’t have the courage to say what they want to say and have it known it was them who said it. Even good anonymous is strange to me. I’ve actually been the recipient of some wonderful gifts by “anonymous” people, but I still don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you want someone to know that you’re blessing them? O.K. I understand there is a certain excitement involved when you can bless someone without their knowing it…so I take part of my comments back. I still don’t like the word. So there. Back to my nerdiness.

I am the proud owner of Galadriel’s ring of power. lol I received it as a Christmas gift from Angi who told me what a nerd I was for wanting one. It’s beautiful, but not really practical for everyday use. I’ll pull it out when I go to LOTR conventions…just kidding. If you’ve not heard, there is now a stage production of LOTR. It’s playing in Toronto but I’m not sure when it will come to the U.S. I found the website while looking for a good picture of my ring. If you are a LOTR fan, check out the stage production site. Personally, I don’t ever want to see anyone besides Orlando Bloom playing Legolas.

And that’s about all I have to share today. Back to normalcy tomorrow…well…as normal as I get anyway.

I’ve already posted today, but I just got a phone call that made me want to post again!

My friend Tammy (not her real name) called to tell me that she got her GED and her CNA license last week! I’m so excited for her, and I’m picking her up at 5 to come over for a celebratory dinner. Tammy is one of our street friends, but I helped her check into a center a little over a month ago. Since then she’s been trying to make some changes in her life. I pick her up on Sunday mornings and she goes to church with us. She was a great help with the Spring Break groups that were here two weeks ago. She’s been working on her GED tests, and trying to get paperwork and everything in order to get her CNA license for Colorado. I helped her work out a step by step plan on paper and encouraged her to keep her eyes on her goals. I know she struggles with feeling unloved and unwanted, and I’ve prayed for God to use me to love her, yet help me to keep certain boundaries in place…like not doing everything for her. Last week at church she wrote me a beautiful note thanking me for my concern and love for her. And told me what a great mom I am. (Wiping tears from my eyes now)

God is so amazingly awesome! When you see some of the heartache that we encounter in the streetkids every week, stories of progress and success like Tammy’s are all the more sweet! Please pray for her to continue to move onward and upward as she tries to find a job in her chosen field. She has many obstacles yet to overcome, but she is on her way! YEAH!!! Gotta run…I have a cake to bake! 🙂

How are you doing this morning, Niki?
Great! Much better than last week!
Yeah? Your face is shining bright today.
Glad things are going better for you.

It’s little snippets of conversation like this that bless my mornings at Dr. Zack’s. Last week our conversation was good too, but very different. After a hurried morning where things hadn’t gone well, I cried for half of the 30 minute drive to his office. I called along the way to let them know I was running late but I’d be there. Danton, the exuberant office manager, is always Mr. Sunshine. When he heard my voice he gently said, “Take your time Niki, we’ll see you when you get here”.

When I arrived the kids went right to the toy area so I could do my stretching exercises. I was thankful the office was almost empty because I was feeling self-conscious about my red eyes and swollen lips. (I’ve never been a pretty crier!) Dr. Zack stood there and talked to me while I stretched. I told him that it was hard having Benny gone for the week and that I felt satan had taken the opportunity to try to conquer while we were divided. I told him I just didn’t know how I had gotten to that point of discouragement and that I wasn’t sure what to do. He said, “I know someone who does”. I told him that I had already been talking to HIM the whole way there, and that I had heard a song that had started changing my heart right before we had pulled into his parking lot. It was Matthew West’s song, “History”. I also thought of a Carman song I had heard in high school. One of the lines was, “When satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future”. But that’s a lot easier said than done when you’re knee deep in despair.

While I was being adjusted, Dr. Zack continued to encourage me. He asked me if maybe I could relate to David a bit. King David was open with his discouragement and feelings of despair, crying out to God to save him from his enemies and himself. But the last few verses of a psalm, would once again be praising God for being God and all that He is. I told him I definitely could relate. He also reminded me that I wouldn’t be a target if I wasn’t doing something right and furthering the Kingdom. Good point. This man who is helping me heal my body, also helps me heal my heart. How thankful I am to God for putting His people in my path right when I need them. People who know just what to say when I need to hear something, and also people who need to hear me say something God wants them to hear. Community. I love it!

HISTORY
By Matthew West

It’s been a bad day – You’ve been looking back – And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back – All your mistakes – A world of regrets – All of those moments you would rather forget – I know it’s hard to believe – Let me refresh your memory

Chorus
Yesterday is history and history is miles away – So, leave it all behind you – But let it always remind you of the day – The day that love made history

You know you can’t stay right where you fell – The hardest part is forgiving yourself – But let’s take a walk into today – And don’t let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making, in the making? Every choice that you are making – Every step that you are taking – Every chain that you are breaking – History is in the making – Every word that you are saying – Every prayer that you are praying – Every chain that you are breaking – History is in the making – History is in the making – History is in the making

If you happen to be at the Tulsa Workshop this weekend and run into this handsome guy, tell him his kids are adorable and he has the most wonderful and brilliant wife in the world. 😉 He’ll be hanging out at the Dry Bones booth in the exhibition hall. I, however, will be hanging out at home with said adorable children. The week should be relaxing because I didn’t plan anything other than the usual chiropractor appointments and BSF. Ofcourse with the daily routine and school, and a visit to the library, I’ll have plenty to do. I would love to be heading to Tulsa too, but that’s a VERY long drive with three children and I figured I’d spend all my time chasing after and entertaining them instead of visiting with old friends and going to classes. I was finally starting to be o.k. with not going when Benny brought up that they’d be stopping in Wichita to eat at HOG WILD Pit Bar-B-Q!!! (Now I’m pouting.)

I also hope you get a chance to meet our friend Cheeto. He’s a former streetkid turned Dry Bones Volunteer. He’s quite a guy – don’t let the spiky cap and the multiple piercings scare you. He’s friendly! 😉 (Though he offers me the use of his cap when Benny gets out of line.) lol

Stop by the booth, chat, and buy a t-shirt or a hoodie. They’re buy one get one – you buy one and both you and a street kid get one. Sorry, they don’t come in kid sizes – Benny made the one Zoe is wearing in the picture. Have fun and think of me while you’re there!