Posted in October Challenge, Random on October 10, 2011| 1 Comment »
I’m not wimping out on the challenge, I’m barely functioning today. My brain is so fuzzy I can’t even concentrate on the book I’m reading. I’m fighting an infection from a bad tooth and it’s kicking my butt. I’ll be back tomorrow with the conclusion to the insomnia posts. The only good thing coming from this is the forced sleep and rest I’m getting. Oh the irony! Good night, friends. I’m off to make some more of this:
Posted in Learning to Cope, October Challenge, thinking things through on October 9, 2011| 3 Comments »
There are many causes to my insomnia, and no, I’ve not been officially diagnosed. I’m overweight and have a pretty sedentary lifestyle (I’m actively working on that), I have terrible sleep hygiene (that was a new phrase for me), I have a lot of stress in my life, and I’ve been grieving for a few months. BUT, there was another part to Benny’s epiphany about my sleep behavior, and I suspect that IT is the long-term cause.
Remember when I said I’ve been a night owl since early childhood? I argued with Benny that I didn’t choose to be this way, I just am, and the length of time I’ve been doing this proves it. He countered with reminding me that a lot of the major trauma in my life happened when I was very young.
He thinks not sleeping is a defense mechanism – my subconscious trying to keep my body safe. If I’m awake I can be on guard, but if I’m asleep, I’m vulnerable. That used to be the scariest word in my vocabulary, as it is for most abused kids. But I’m an adult now and I sleep next to Benny. Have you seen my husband? If he can’t keep me safe while I sleep, who can? I know it’s not about him, or even about being an adult and outgrowing this not-sleeping thing. I still have some issues to face, bad habits to break, and good sleep hygiene to practice. The nightmares? I have no idea what to do about them even though I have a good idea why I’m having them this week.
Okay insomniac friends: Do you have any ideas why YOU struggle with sleep? How do you handle it?
More tomorrow in Part 3: The conclusion.
Posted in Learning to Cope, October Challenge, thinking things through on October 8, 2011| 14 Comments »
I had an epiphany today that was quite painful. It would be more accurate to say that Benny had an epiphany about me and I knew in my heart he was right, so in the spirit of being transparent and real, I’m going to confess it to you. Surely I’m not the only one.
I don’t sleep…unless I have to. I don’t like to sleep. I feel like it’s a waste of time when I could be doing other things. I have been a night owl ever since I can remember. I’m talking early childhood here. That is my body rhythm and it feels set in stone. I have a child who has the same tendency. He’s always copied my rhythm. Occasionally I have what I call a “crash day” where I can barely function and I seem to catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing. No big announcement there, right? That’s not abnormal. Lots of people are like that. But here’s the epiphany:
I don’t sleep because it makes me feel out of control.
I have nightmares. I dream about the mistakes I’ve made and the people I’ve hurt. I dream about being abused and committing crimes. Old lovers haunt my dreams. One of my recurring dreams is of not being able to reach my destination – no matter how important the task, I get sidetracked.
Some of you may think this is a no-brainer. It’s my subconscious mind working through stress and expressing unforgiveness in my heart. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s more than that.
Anyone else ever have this problem?
Part 2 tomorrow…
Posted in Creativity, October Challenge, thinking things through, Writing on October 7, 2011| 5 Comments »
I originally posted the following on The Inkwell blog, but I’m sharing it here now because it’s still relevant and I ran out of time to blog today. 😉
Audre Lorde once said, “There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt.” I believe she was right about that. Solomon said something similar in the first chapter of Ecclesiastes, “It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new.” (NLT)
Do you know what I love about writing? Ideas are all around me, and they’re limitless. When I see the trees begin to produce flowers in the Spring, I’m reminded of my personal growth that bursts into bloom after a long, dry, wintry spell of life. In that same Spring when we receive a surprise snowstorm and are forced to slow down and hibernate in our homes for a day or two, I consider the ways I am too busy, overly committed, and hard-headed to realize that I’m in need of a day of rest and reflection. These epiphanies can’t help but flow into my writing and inspire me to look at what I have to say with new eyes.
As writers, we are designed to take what we see, experience, and dream, and find engaging ways to offer it to our readers. There are no new ideas, only new ways of making them felt. That’s one of my basic goals, to make people feel. What ideas are brewing in you? What inspires you to write? How do those things shape your writing? What does your writing make people feel?
Posted in Growing Faith, Music, October Challenge on October 6, 2011| 2 Comments »
I can’t remember where I got the CD. I think it was one of those $5 items Family Christian Stores sets out by their registers, but I’m hardly ever in there, so I can’t be sure. Regardless, it became my summer go-to CD, lifting me up when I felt crappy, helping me release pent-up tears, and most importantly, reminding me that I’m loved (always) and I’m not alone (ever).
I have a feeling that JJ Heller is a kindred spirit, and her music speaks to me. One song in particular became my summer anthem as I ministered with and trained the teens and sponsors who came on SABBATH, our summer program for SEVENS. I can’t think of a single person that this song isn’t relevant to. We all long to be loved without condition and we’ve all felt despair and cried out for something or someone. Even those who don’t believe in God find themselves in this pit and cry out for love and rescue. May they all find what they’re looking for and so much more. Here are the lyrics and the YouTube video.
What Love Really Means
By JJ and Dave Heller
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night “Dear God won’t you please…
Could you send someone here who will love me?”
*Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means, what love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner then he would’ve stayed
And she says…
*Chorus
He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
And I’ve watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen I’ll, I’ll tell you that I…”
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew
THAT is how I want to love people. JUST like that.
Sometimes I Write 
