Sometimes I Write

One of the songs we sang today at BSF is a song that I could and probably should sing everyday. It’s called “Cleanse Me” and begins like this: (The bold lines are my favorite)

Search me O God, and know my heart today;
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts I pray.
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin and set me free.

But, it’s the second verse that I claim as my own:

I praise thee, Lord, for cleansing me from sin;
Fulfill Thy Word and make me pure within.
Fill me with fire, where once I burned with shame;
Grant my desire to magnify Thy name.

The third is good too:

Lord, take my life, and make it wholly Thine;
Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine.
Take all my will, my passion, self and pride;
I now surrender, Lord, in me abide.

I could feel the crescendo coming when I belted out the last verse:

O Holy Ghost, revival comes from Thee;
Send a revival, start the work in me.
Thy Word declares Thou wilt supply our need;
For blessing now, O Lord, I humbly plead.

I learned that song about ten years ago from David Branson, a man at our church in Buena Vista. He taught it to me so I could sing the soprano line for a quartet he was forming. It took me ONCE, and I knew it from that moment on. To this day when my family visits that church and David is leading singing – he chooses this song. I’m sure you can see why I love it so much.

God is so gracious to keep it in front of me…my need to be cleansed…and the means to be so.

Lastnight I met my friends Paula and Abi so we could lay out our schedule for the summer. The three of us along with a few other ladies are going to read & discuss John & Staci Eldredge’s book, Captivating. If you’ve been reading here long, you’ll know that I read it last summer and was all prepared to share my wounds and get to healing. Something (or should I say someone) made me feel like it wasn’t the right time. Through strange and amazing circumstances, it seems the time has come. I’ve slowly been sharing some of the wounds over the past few weeks – more in the form of being grateful for people that have helped me heal from them.

When you have many people telling you that you have to read a particular book, take it as a sign that somebody (most likely God) is trying to tell you something. I just read Redeeming Love -mostly because I kept hearing about it at every turn. It’s also our next book for our women’s book club at church. I finally borrowed it from Paula. I took one look at the cover (she has the old one) and thought to myself, “Why do all these people want me to read a romance novel??” I typically don’t read romance, Christian or otherwise, but everyone said how great it was, so I read it. Peach & JB were right…I couldn’t put it down. I had to stop several times to calm my stomach and wipe away tears, but I made it through in two days. And that was without neglecting my family ;). Forgive me Texas Jennifer for blogging about it before we could discuss it together.

The book is about Angel, a girl sold into prostitution when she was just 8 years old. The life she lives is utterly hopeless and filled with horror and abuse. The book follows her life through her days of prostitution and her eventual marriage to Michael Hosea, a man that shows her grace, mercy, respect, and true unconditional love. More importantly he introduces her to God, though she doesn’t believe. (If there were a God, He wouldn’t have allowed her life to go the path that it did. ) It’s also about Michael and his journey through obeying God’s plan for him to marry a prostitute – a woman who would break his heart over and over again as she refuses to (and can not) understand his love for her. That’s all I am going to give you from the book, you’ll have to read it yourself…and I really hope you do. The book is based on the book of Hosea in the Bible.

Captivating & Redeeming Love…Yes, there’s a theme here, and God has been whispering in my ear that it’s time to heal and time to speak about it. I thought I had been healing for a long time, and I have. But nothing prepared me for the raw emotions that came boiling to the surface as I cried through these books. I have always been honest and nakedly open on my blog, so this is the part where I warn you that I’m going deep. If you want to keep it light, check back in with me in a few days.

If you’re still here, know that I write this for myself, and for someone else that I don’t know – but God does. Some of you are reading because you love me and want to hear what I have to say. Some of you are just curious and that’s o.k. too. I hope all of you will see this post as another part of me, and not judge where I’ve been and where I’m going. I am loved by a merciful God. I have been rescued and redeemed by His loving Son. I have been accepted and glorified by my wonderful husband. I am healing and more grateful than words can express. These three find me Captivating whether or not the world does.

I have never been a prostitute in the traditional sense of the word. I have never traded sex for money. I’ve traded sex for comfort, love, and out of desperation to hold onto a guy I thought I was going to marry, but not for money. I blogged last month that if it weren’t for my friend Tim, I wouldn’t have made it out of high school a virgin…and that was true – for the most part. I was a “technical virgin”. Noone ever told me that sex wasn’t just intercourse, though I think that’s the world’s message. Ask any teenager today if they think oral sex is sex, and I’ll bet you most will say no. Sure, when I went to youth rallies growing up I heard the speeches about sex, but nobody told me what purity was and how to remain pure, or why I should. I heard that I should save myself for my husband and I thought that meant not having intercourse. At school I heard the “use a condom” message loud and clear, though I never had use for one – remember – “technical virgin”. I did everything BUT have intercourse. I thought that was “saving myself”. I gave little pieces of my heart and body away to the guys who showed me “love” until I had nothing left. In college (I went to a Christian school)when I did finally cross that line I had drawn, it was not with my husband and I thought that was the last straw for me. I was sure I had bought a one way ticket to Hell, or at the very least I was ruined and no decent Christian guy would ever want me…I was used goods…very used. I was a master at hiding it. I gave up, and played with fire with a different guy as well. (Still not Benny) Both of these men were Christians, and have since treated me like I was a slut – one of them telling me that he’d lie to his future wife and make her think he had saved himself for her. I have seen him a few times since we graduated and he won’t look at me. I know the girl he eventually married, he liked her while he and I were make-out partners. I hope he told her the truth.

When Benny transferred to my college and other girls took notice of him, I looked the other way. First of all, he wasn’t the type of guy I went for. Secondly, I knew he was too good for me. I had honestly given up hope of marrying a Christian guy – the kind I wanted – and I was dying inside from the despair of it all. At the time I confided in Tim and he cried with me. I don’t remember any of the words he spoke to me, but I know he made me feel loved and told me that I was worthy of love. I didn’t believe him. When Benny and I finally did get together a few months later, I told him EVERYTHING. I didn’t leave a single thing from my past out. I figured if he was going to be disgusted and end the relationship, it needed to happen before I invested my heart. God gave me the gift of a man who decided to love me and make me his wife knowing full well who I was – or had been. I cried often that I brought brokenness and baggage to the marriage bed. If only I could have been whole for him. It has been my biggest regret in life. When we made our wedding plans, we decided to move the date up several months so our college friends could attend before we graduated and all went our separate ways. I heard whispers from a few that there was speculation that I was pregnant. I was devastated, and the chip on my shoulder regarding “Christians” began weighing me down. We were married 6 years before getting pregnant with Max. (Long gestation period, huh?) There were many times I cried out to God asking Him if he was keeping me from having a baby to punish me for my sexual sins. I was sure it was true since I couldn’t seem to hear anything from Him during a good part of that time of my life. I did my best to push Benny away since I knew I wasn’t worthy of his devotion. We struggled – A LOT! I read the story of David and Bathsheba with new eyes…nobody knew or thought to tell me to read Hosea. I kept crying out to God and sometimes He spoke so tenderly it made me weep. (He’s the one who made me a crier!) I felt like a fraud among my many Christian friends, fearing the day they might find out about my past…they all seemed so righteous. Satan has a way of whispering lies so convincingly, and I bought into them for a long time.

I wish I could pinpoint the day that I refused the lie. Maybe it has happened so slowly that I could never narrow it down. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been reaching out to girls that I know struggle with sexual sin. We seem to be drawn to each other like we are marked with the scarlet letter on our chests. Maybe I’m still working on refusing the lie and that’s why these two books effected me the way they did. People who know me now would never be able to guess these things about me because I’ve changed so much. I have learned a lot along the way, but the most important thing has been this…it doesn’t matter how dirty I was, or am, or good and clean for that matter…Jesus died for me. My dirtiness and my goodness are irrelevant…I can’t earn anything including my salvation. It doesn’t matter if I someday have to face every single boy that I gave myself to…Jesus loves me and He’s got my back. I gave my purity away and He gave it back to me. I don’t buy into this whole “recycled virgin” school of thought. I truly lost my virginity as a young girl, and Jesus didn’t tell me he’d make me one again…he said he’d free me and make me Pure and Holy. Purity and virginity aren’t the same things. You can be a virgin and still not be pure. I’ll take God’s purity over the world’s anyday.

I do my best to look to God for my worth and not put that burden on my husband or anyone else. I gave up the lies and the hiding years ago, but sometimes I need reminders. I am an open book and God continues to write on the pages of my heart – a beautiful love story – mine and His. I still play the part of the prostitute sometimes, and break His heart by lusting after things less worthy than Him, but He always welcomes me home with open arms. I know He is using me to bring hope to others. I am humbled that He uses me at all. There’s a camp song we sing…”I’ve been redeemed – by the blood of the lamb”. I have been…believe it about me…believe it about others you see as “fallen”…I know who I have been…I know who I am this very moment…I am redeemed by LOVE himself.

For the past two days I’ve cried myself through this Francine Rivers book. So many emotions and too many words I want to say…I’m emotionally exhausted. It’s a must buy and read for everyone. I’m too tired to blog about it tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday I mentioned being chicken to call an old friend. I’ve thought a lot about it the past few weeks and my fears are not unfounded. There have been people from my past that I’ve tried to reconnect with after many years and in one case, I received a letter from a girl (college friend) that told me she wasn’t interested in being friends with me. She said I was a part of her past and she’d appreciate it if I stayed there. It was cold but worded politely. Most have been friendly, but several times, despite the efforts, conversation doesn’t come easily and you realize that too much time has passed. Without cultivating the friendship, and without the common grounds you once shared, there is little left to bond over. I’ve taken the chance every time because I really do believe you can never have too many friends. At the same time, when you are rejected like that, it tends to make you cautious.

Sometimes the friendship is renewed and grows stronger, and sometimes (as is the case with California Jennifer) you find a friend in an old enemy. Enemy is probably too strong a word to use here, though I think she used the word “nemesis” on her blog. LOL! But we clearly were NOT friends in college. We liked a few of the same guys, were in the same social club, and had a few of the same classes, but we were not friends. God is so awesome in being able to turn an enemy into a friend. California Jennifer and I are closer now than we’ve ever been and I’m so glad! It’s nice to be able to laugh at the ridiculousness of our 18 year old selves, and wonder if maybe someone was trying to keep us apart – we sure are a lot stronger together! And the things we have in common now…WOW!

Back to the present. I finished blogging lastnight and grabbed my cell phone and called him. I was nervous, but determined. He answered and we spent the next hour catching up on our lives. I had assumed he knew we were in Denver, which he didn’t. He and his wife just had their first baby two weeks ago, so once things calm down a bit, we’ll have them over for supper. I admitted to him that I was nervous calling and pretty much told him what I said in the first paragraph here. I think he understood, and he said some people you can just pick up where you left off… It was so good to hear his voice again…It’s been almost 7 years. Kevin is not just any friend, he always has and always will be a special part of my life. So why was I so worried?

Kevin was my best guy friend in college. He listened to me whine and gripe about my family and my past. He was there when I got insecure and sabotaged my relationships with boyfriends. He was reassuring when I questioned biblical truths. We had fun together and made each other laugh, but we cried together too. I was able to talk to Kevin and work through some things because of the trust we had. We prayed together. We were in a traveling singing group together, and the friendship got a little weird for awhile. Kevin knew my love languages before that book even made the bestseller list, and brought me little gifts after vacations. We had nicknames – I’m not sharing them. haha He was my college Tim. He was the 2nd boy ever to show me respect and teach me what it means to have a pure friendship with a guy. No wonder I loved him so much. There was never anything romantic between us, and I never would have thought that possible, except Tim had prepared my heart for that already. He reinforced my theory that is was possible afterall for guys and girls to be friends. My Dad came back into my life a few months before Benny and I married. Though we have a great relationship now, he was a total stranger to me then…so it was Kevin that I asked to “give me away” at my wedding, and I have never regretted it.

It may sound like I’ve placed these guys (Tim, Adam, and Kevin) on a pedestal, and maybe I have a bit, but I know they’re human and have their faults – though you’ll never hear me pointing them out. Each of these guys has done their part to show me a glimpse of the heart of God…that I’m worthy of love…that I’m worth fighting for. That men can be strong without me fearing them. They’ve held my heart in their hands (Tim & Kevin especially – since I knew them pre-marriage) and they protected it. Benny loves these men for loving me and treating me like the sister-in-Christ that I am. I’m so grateful for all of them. Tim and Kevin are both married to wonderful women. I’ve met Tim’s wife, and I’m about to meet Kevin’s. Someday Adam will marry the woman of his dreams. They all deserve the blessing of a wonderful spouse, and they all have helped me be one.

I’m glad I called.

You know how I love Saturdays! I slept in today, then went to Arc for a few hours. I wandered around aimlessly picking stuff up and putting it in my cart only to put it back on the shelf a few minutes later. I’ve become so trained to shopping with a list that it’s actually getting harder for me to shop without a plan. The only plan I had was to find some good, strong, and gently worn backpacks for some our our streetkids. No such luck, unless they would want one with Scooby Doo or Mickey on it…I seriously doubt it. I came home with two small flower vases – .25 each, a larger vase – .50, two sundresses for Zoe – for under 2.00 each, and a few other equally good deals! Bargain season has begun!

I called home to check in and let Benny know that I was going to Chili’s for some Mango tea and Southwestern eggrolls and to write for awhile. Then I called my friend Amanda to see if she wanted to join me. So much for writing. I was in the mood for some good female conversation. I still find myself holding back from friendships a bit. It’s the whole – we don’t know what we’ll be doing in the Fall thing. I’ve been saying I’m determined to bloom where I’m planted even if it’s only temporary, but saying and doing are two different things. Anyway, Amanda met me there and we had a great chat with our lunch.

This has been home improvement week at the Nowell house. Too bad we couldn’t have done that before all the company came. Oh well, they didn’t come to see my house. Benny has been on top of his honey-do list! He fixed our front door, took the extra bed apart in the guest room and moved the treadmill in there from our room. Today he put the screen door back on the patio entrance – the wind had blown it in, and he’s at Home Depot right now buying lattice work and a few 2 x 4’s to finish fixing the patio. The kids and I are going to give the patio a good cleaning and take the van to vacuum it out. Now we just need to figure out when we’re going to paint our bedroom and bathroom. The paint has been sitting untouched since last Fall. One of these days…

I have an old friend that lives about an hour from here and I’ve been too chicken to call him. Isn’t that ridiculous? We haven’t seen him since college and haven’t kept in touch, but I’d like to see him again and meet his wife. I know friendships can change and maybe I’ve been afraid that he wouldn’t be interested in reaquainting himself with us. I hate it when I assume the worst. So, I guess I’ll feel the fear and do it anyway. What have I got to lose? I’m going to see him in June anyway at our college choir alumni reunion. Can you ever have too many friends?