Sometimes I Write

Tuesdays are my favorite week night. For 2 hours (sometimes more) I hang out with people I love, doing something that I love to do…Sing. Every week we all gather at Billy and Lisa’s house to practice the songs we’re going to lead for worship on Sunday. Sometimes we just sound o.k. and other times we’re awesome. When the harmonies click and the instruments are in perfect balance, we just glide through the music. Not all Tuesdays are so relaxing, but I LOVE them anyway. We are quite a dramatic little group and bring some interesting dynamics to the table. But God takes us from the broken pieces that we are and forms this beautiful work of art…and we are one. Sounds like a cool family, doesn’t it?

Sometimes I still mourn all of the years I longed for this and went on hoping, wishing, and praying that I’d have a chance to do this. Then I almost didn’t audition because of fear. Wow! That would have been awful. I can’t imagine how different life would have been for me this past year. Not bad, but not as good.

At one point during our practice tonight I looked around at our group. Billy and Shay were both exhausted, but holding it together and still smiling. Russell was in his own world of strumming. Tony, as usual, was just going with the flow. Sophie kept us all in rhythm. I felt this swell of love for these people who sometimes really tick me off, and sometimes surprise me with their depth and compassion. There have been times we brought out the worst in each other. But usually we call out the best, challenging to be what God created us to be. The passion with which we play is a gift from the Lord and our praise back to Him.

Meet the band:

Billy is a husband, father of 3, worship leader, computer genius, good friend, and one amazing musician. When he plays, his guitar is an extension of him, not just an instrument to be manipulated. When he sings his voice is rich and filled with feeling and emotion. His musical knowledge and experience puts the rest of us to shame – even if he’s full of it half the time. 😉 He’s the leader of the group and the oldest…4 years older than me. (I had to say that Billy)

Then comes Tony. He’s the bass player and the guy who keeps things mellow. He’s like the wise older brother, both funny and clever. He’s a husband, father of 1 with 1 on the way, and a nurse by trade which makes sense because Tony is a compassionate guy. Tony adds the icing with his musical gift. Sure we could play without him, but we never want to. It’s just not the same without him. Tony is FUN!

Shay was the only female vocalist until I joined the group. She has welcomed me in and together we can harmonize the socks off you. She is single and looking, though she’ll kill me for writing that. She’s a professional 20 something with the sweetest voice and the biggest heart. Shay is passionate and has a heart for youth ministry which is a good thing since she is in charge of youth at The Journey. Shay is strong and courageous. She’s been battling cancer on and off since she was 19. Though she walks a tough road and is sometimes discouraged, she never gives up hope that she will overcome. Together we are the Red-headed force to be reckoned with, and partners in crime. 😉

Russell is a musician down to his core. He’s been writing and performing his own stuff along with Sophie. They are a band in themselves and trying to make it on the local circuit here in Denver. The boy has talent and potential! I love to listen to him pick and strum, and every time I see his GOD sticker on his guitar I smile…I gave it to him because he’s always saying he’s “Down with the G-O-D”. He’s single and looking as well…now I’m really going to be dead on Sunday. With all of my single friends, I could run a dating service…if I were any good at matchmaking…which I’m not. But I digress. I love Russell and I’m glad he’s part of the band.

Sophie and I joined the band about the same time. She is a lot of fun and she’s an amazing percussionist. She once explained that anyone can be a drummer because drummers bang on things. It takes more than that to be a percussionist. 😉 She is a student at CU and also single. Out of the whole band, I know the least about Sophie. I just know I really like her and I’m trying to be Jesus to her in an everyday sort of way. I’d like to make more of an effort to get to know her. Now that I’ve said that on the web, you’re my accountability.

So there you go…far from complete bios, but I wanted to give you a glimpse into our group. A strange and wonderful bunch. I am blessed to know them.

That’s what has been blocking me with my blogs. I experienced this same fear some when we were in full time youth ministry. As a ministry family you live in a fishbowl. If it is for a church, then a lot of people think they are your boss because they help pay your salary. Realistically you can’t please everyone all of the time and that can create tension. I really don’t miss that part of church youth ministry. If you are living as a missionary the same thing applies, just in a different form. The safety net of the church is gone when you are supported by individuals who can pull their funding from your ministry if they don’t like something you say, do, believe, etc. We’ve already had a church group pull their financial support because they view us as no longer involved with their denomination. The irony is that 95% of our support comes from that same denomination whom we are very much involved with – just not attending there on Sunday mornings.

A few months ago I started worrying about money. It started with the email from that church letting us know of their decision to no longer support us and our ministry. I began to wonder if that was going to be the first in a line of people who lost confidence in what we are doing here. I’ve been working through and trying to let go of the bitterness that took root in my heart that day. It’s been hard. The short story is that my fears about losing more of our financial support began to spill over into my blogging. What if I type this? Who might I possibly offend? What if someone reads something I write and decides that I can’t possibly be a REAL Christian and rallies against me, or gets others to drop their support? I’m not trying to be dramatic here. I have two different ministry friends who have started anonymous blogs because they can’t truly be themselves on their regular blogs for fear of being fired for actually having ~gasp~ problems, questions about faith related issues, or even opinions that differ from the majority of their church peers. They also fear losing their influence with certain people they work with and minister to. For me, I think about those things, but it eventually comes down to money. That’s really sad. ~sigh~

I recently received some very prophetic words from a woman who told me some things I was crying out to God about. Things ONLY HE would know about. “Why would God care about my little blog?” I asked myself. Evidently He does. She told me I don’t have any reasons to fear. That God wants me to be honest and real on my blogs because that’s what people need. And so do I. Sometimes that means addressing some hard stuff. God is the one who has given me the passion and the means to share it, and as my friend Wendy put it – He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. (Or was that sheep? lol) Either way, He is my provider, my Jehovah Jireh. He is the one who moved the hearts of those on our financial support team to give to His work – not ours – HIS – the work HE has us doing. He has made it clear that in this situation, He is doing the providing and that our part is the being obedient to what He has called us to do. So whom shall I fear? The ones who could choose not to send their monthly checks, or the One who owns it all?

I will do my best to be obedient and to turn back to Him with my fears and inadequacies. I will move forward with renewed confidence because in Him I am quite capable of all that He asks of me. I will ask for forgiveness when I mess up, and I will give Him the credit for any wisdom that happens to flow from my mouth and fingertips. I thank Him for blessing me and giving me words to speak. I thank Him for the grace and mercy He offers to all who seek Him. I thank Him for His promises and I thank Him for speaking to me through people, music, and written words. If I’ll only stop and listen, He’s in everything and I can hear Him.

Tonight I’m reading Psalm 25.

An organizer. A planner. A detail person. With a Capital J. Though I try to be flexible when unforeseen circumstances change my plans, deep down my feathers are ruffled and I feel unsettled. I do not fly by the seat of my pants though occasionally I give it a try. We have been working our bums off this week to get ready for a yard sale this weekend. I believe our clutter – though mostly organized – is weighing us down. We have been sorting, digging out closets and drawers, and throwing away like crazy people. Our patio slightly resembles tornado aftermath, and the kids are starting to get worried about the mumbling, glazed over eyes, hair disheveled, focused woman that I have become. After almost a week of rest I have become this cleaning machine, intent on reducing our stuff by half. It won’t happen by this weekend, but it will happen. Now the yard sale won’t be happening this weekend either. Why??? 7 inches of snow…so far. Two days ago it was in the mid-60’s and I was wearing shorts. I didn’t see this coming. Then again, I don’t watch the weather. That’s Benny’s job.

About the J thing. Tawnya posted back on February 24th about the Meyers Briggs personality traits test. It was very interesting. I am an ENFJ. She is an INFP. I’m the extrovert, she is the introvert. I am a J. She is a P. We are both NF’s. Maybe that’s why we’re so close. I think we have the same heart but we approach life differently due to our different personalities. We tease about our differences, yet take care to make the other feel comfortable. That is love. When you love someone, that’s what you do for them. I encourage you to check out her post and the links there. It’s interesting stuff!

While the kids played in the snow and enjoyed the change in plans, I inwardly moped. Yeah, I need to get over myself. I guess I could look at the bright side of things. I haven’t planted anything that will now die due to the freezing conditions. I didn’t pay for a newspaper ad to tell the world about the sale so I’m not out any money – yeah Craig’s List. I now have more time to prepare, price, make signs,etc. for next weekend. AND I can finish watching season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy this weekend. I wonder how much snow we’re in for?

Benny blogged today…Check it out at www.sevensonline.blogspot.com.

4 – Days I spent in Kansas City with my best friend Tawnya.

4 – Hours I spent waiting for my plane to leave Denver. I hate delays.

3 – States I was in (not over) on this trip.

3 – Phone calls from friends who forgot I was on my trip.

15 – Episodes of Grey’s Anatomy watched.

8.5 – Hours (straight) spent on the couch watching said show until 3 a.m.

1 – New favorite restaurant – Bo Lings Chinese Restaurant – in KS and FL only 😦

2 – Pieces of Chocolate souffle cake at other favorite restaurant – Cinzetti’s

0 – Amount of BBQ eaten while in KC.

2.5 – Hours spent enjoying the Dead Sea Scrolls Exhibit at Union Station. It was amazing.

3 – 4 – Inches in height of the actual DSS fragments. I thought they would be bigger.

?? – Amount of time spent in the company of an amazing woman discussing life, love, friends, family, books, music, and the plans God has for each of us. My oldest friend. She’s awesome.

Do Mommies get spring breaks? I did this year. Maybe I’ll plan them every year from now on. I was going to post more details of the week, but Tawnya did such a great job describing our adventures that I encourage you to check out her blog for more details and a picture of the two of us at the DSS exhibit. She changed her blog template right after I left and I LOVE IT!! Go check it out.

* I’ve been planning a post about my amazing experience a few Monday nights ago, but I’m just not ready. Let’s just say that some women, most of whom I’ve never met before that day, prayed over me and it was pretty incredible. I hope to blog more about it sometime. I came face to face with my reason for infrequent postings here, and I’m happy to say I’m getting over it. My hope is that when I do reveal more details, my more conservative friends will be loving and patient with me. I’m richly blessed in the friends department, so I’m not totally freaking out.

My breath caught in my throat as we descended into the Arkansas Valley. It had been dark for an hour already, but I could see the black silhouette of Mt. Princeton looming before me. The love affair I have with that mountain will live on forever. I’d been anticipating this trip for weeks now and as I maneuvered the van around the curvaceous rocks that lined the road, I felt my pulse begin to race. It’s always a homecoming of sorts when I visit Buena Vista. Every trip is filled with emotions ranging from nostalgic peace, to anger, to hope and contented joy. The memories from past visits and living there accompanied by excitement of adventures to come are my companions. My other companion for this trip chatted happily the whole way from Denver. “Mama, guess what? Mama, did you know that…Mama, I saw a horsie…Mama…” 🙂 Zoe was looking forward to spending the day with grandma while I soaked up the company of Linda.

The lights from my in law’s southwestern style house cast a welcome glow as we drove up the hill. We settled in and I phoned Linda to let her know we had arrived safely and to make our plans for the next morning. After visiting with Pete and Margie for a bit I settled Zoe into bed and read my Bible. I’m searching out a verse someone quoted to me on Monday…I didn’t find it, but I will. I shut the light off and smiled as I gazed out the window. From my bed I could see the star-filled sky. That’s something I’ve missed since moving back to the big city. One of the dippers was perfectly framed by the window. I’m not sure which one and I was too tired to get up to take a closer look at the surrounding sky. On nights like this one, sleep comes fast and easily.

Just a few minutes after I shut my alarm off, Zoe crawled in with me and we snuggled as we talked about the day ahead of us. “Grandma said I can ride the horse if it’s warm enough outside. And we’re going to Ron and Nita’s to see the miniature horses. And I get to play outside. And Grandma said…” She was in for a day full of adventures! And so was I…

I picked Linda up and we drove to Salida for her eye appointment. I read my current book as I waited and occasionally chatted with whomever sat beside me on the couch in the waiting room. The place was busy and mostly with elderly people. One couple in particular were Mr. and Mrs. Mink. I recognized them but wasn’t sure from where. I worked a few different jobs when we lived in Buena Vista many years ago. We chatted and Mrs. Mink told me of her grand babies and how her husband had a stroke and brain surgery and could hardly walk anymore. It seemed they were always at one doctor or another. She spoke fondly of her daughter who does a good job of helping out and getting them where they need to go since they can’t drive anymore. When Mr. Mink’s name was called they both got up and she walked behind him into the back office. She winked at me and said, “He can go first in case he starts to fall I can grab him by the belt”. I laughed and nodded. Mrs. Mink is half his height and he’d probably take her down with him if he lost his balance. What a sweet couple. I wondered if Benny and I would be that way when we get up there in years. It doesn’t surprise me that we fear aging. Our bodies stop doing what we want and need them to, we have to depend on others more for help, and the need for health care is more frequent and more expensive. I wonder if that’s God’s way of helping us let go of the bodies we have to receive the new ones we’ll get.

After the appointment Linda and I went to a little cafe to have lunch and I told her all about my amazing experience Monday night. That’s tomorrows post. She caught me up on her health issues and what happens next as far as she knows. She’s still in Atrial Fib and Congestive Heart Failure – which you can live with for years. That was news to me. Her heart is not converting to the meds she’s been on for several weeks now. If it doesn’t convert soon, they’re sending her to Colorado Springs for more aggressive measures. We didn’t talk too much about that, but I said I’d drive and meet her if that happens. She looked so beautiful as she smiled at me and spoke truth to me. She has spiky blond hair and wears chunky silver jewelry with turquoise and mother of pearl inlays. I took a mental snapshot of her in that moment and I told her how scared I had been that we wouldn’t have the chance to sit there and share our lives like that. I told her that our age difference stacked the odds in favor of her going to be with Jesus before me, but that was something too painful to think about most of the time. She laughed and said, “Oh honey!” as she patted and squeezed my arm. I’m thankful I can be completely honest with her about the hard feelings and it didn’t overshadow our day together. We ate and laughed and talked about our kids, husbands, friends, and churches for a long time. Then we drove to a little coffee shop and enjoyed lemon bars for dessert and coffee (her) and chai (moi). Another lady and her daughter we both knew joined us for a few minutes and I shared my blown glass story with them. We talked for awhile about God asking us to do things that are a little (or a lot) hard for us, but how following through in obedience brings great blessing for us and for others. It was so beautiful. The whole day was incredible and wonderful. I stopped counting how many times I silently thanked God for all that He gives me. We finally headed back to her house to visit with her husband Jim – a wonderful man. He always make me feel loved and safe, and like I’m part of the family.

It was finally time to head back home and I drove back to Pete and Margie’s to get Zoe. My in laws sent us home with a big box of food for the pantry and a bunch of stuff in a freezer bag. They take good care of us. We promised to return soon with the boys and said our goodbyes. Before leaving town I took Zoe to see Jim and Linda. She sat on Jim’s lap and cuddled with him like a grandaughter with her grandpa. She hugged on Linda and was silly for a few minutes. She recounted the details of the big day she had had. She was thrilled when they gave her a coupon for a free ice cream cone from K’s – the ice cream place in town that has been open for 50 years. So we had one last stop before heading back through the mountains. Jim and Linda stood outside and waved as we drove away and I was filled with loving warmth as I thought about that family tradition in our family when I was growing up. God is so amazing to keep adding to our own personal families as we grow.

Zoe slept most of the 2 ½ hours back to Denver, which left me peace and quiet to think and pray. We got home around 9 pm. and put the kids in bed. I filled Benny in on the trip and some decisions I had made on the way home, then checked my email. A few friends scolded me for not blogging. I feel like I’m always apologizing for my lack of blogging. The good news is that I know what’s been keeping me away and that barrier has been removed this week. Praise God! So don’t give up on me, I really do have a lot to say.