Sometimes I Write

I was going to give an update on the week of Zenith, but that will have to wait until tonight or tomorrow.

I have an urgent prayer request for you. There was a woman named Megan Speck in my BSF discussion group last year. She was unable to attend long due to her battle with cancer. In January she moved (temporarily) to Seattle where she is receiving aggressive treatments. She has a young daughter who stayed behind in Denver with Megan’s parents. I’m not sure I understand why, but that’s the story. This morning I received a prayer request from her and felt the need to pass it on to you as well. I don’t know Megan, but I can pray for her and her family and I’m hoping you’ll join me. Thank You!

42 June 25, 2007 at 06:15 PM MDT

If the power of prayer is ever going to work, now is the time! I saw my team of doctors today, and got the worst news we could possibly get. My leukemia did not go away. They said there is no chance for a cure, and there is nothing else they can do for me. Their prediction that my time left here on earth is quite short, possibly a month to four months. We are trying to get home asap for the family to be together and try some alternative therapies to give me more time. We need prayer like no other right now!!! We need a miracle to save my life!! Please pray hard and send positive energy to my body to heal me. Thank you for all your continued support during this difficult time. I love you all.
Love, Megan

I’m at camp in Oklahoma this week. Things have been extremely busy and I’ve been unable to post something I’ve been working on. I’m glad we’ve got some good discussion going on the issue of touch. I’m happy to tell you the second installment of the Touch Hunger articles arrived in my inbox today. Man I wish I had written this stuff! Let me know what you think…

Touch Hunger, part 2
by Ellyn Davis

Skin Hunger

Skin hunger is a relatively new term that has been applied to the emotional response engendered by the loss of touch in our society. One of the five basic senses, touch is the only one essential to human life. Our skin is our largest organ and research has shown that being isolated from skin-to-skin contact leaves a “touch void” in a person’s life. Touch is such a basic human need that neither children nor adults can live without it. During WW II babies in orphanages developed Failure to Thrive syndrome or even died when deprived of human contact. Children who live in abusive homes and who are deprived of touch, have been known to wither and die both emotionally and physically. The need for touch is real, and persists throughout our lives. Touch tells us we’re safe, cared for, and have value. People who are sure of a warm embrace are happier, more alert, more willing and able to communicate.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

However, unlike stomach hunger, skin hunger doesn’t rumble for attention. It may even masquerade as depression, hallucinations, moodiness, anxiety, irritability, boredom, pain and many other symptoms or states of mind that can be mistakenly attributed to disease or physical conditions.

Everyone Needs to be Touched

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Studies in aggression show that loving touch “tames” aggression in children and adults while “touch hunger” increases it.

The need for touch extends beyond the early developmental years. It is the first sense to develop in the womb and the last to diminish as we die. Babies and children with loving parents are cuddled and kissed and touched. As a child ages he seeks to become more independent and may even resist appropriate forms of touching such as hugs or back rubs.

Adolescence is a time of self discovery and growing sexual awareness. As kids grow into teens they may seek sexual intimacy even when not emotionally ready because the need for touch is so strong. How many girls have had sex prematurely when all they really wanted was to be held? Compounding the problem, many parents will decrease physical contact with their teens because of fears of inappropriateness.

Maturing into adults we face a world that explodes with sexual images but discourages more than a friendly nod or a handshake in public. Sexuality is OK but intimacy is not.

Americans Suffer from a Lack of Touch

Americans, especially, suffer from a lack of touch. Following a research project on touch around the world, social scientists rated the United States and Great Britain among the lowest touch countries studied. The “warmer” high-touch countries included Spain, France, Italy, and Greece.

Tiffany Field, Director of Touch Research Institutes at the University of Miami, feels touch is essential to how we learn, feel and think. A study conducted by Field compared the interaction of mothers and their children at playgrounds and McDonalds in Miami and Paris. The Parisian mothers touched their children far more often than their American counterparts. In addition, the French children displayed much less aggression than the American children.

The power of touch pervades all areas of our society. Salesmen may use a light touch to influence a potential client into a sale. Waitresses have been found to receive larger tips if they subtly touch a patron.

But the most well known association to touch is healing. The bible often makes reference to the “laying on of hands” to heal the sick. The word surgeon has its roots in the Greek word kheirourgos meaning “hand healer”.

Why are We So Touch Deprived?

Four trends in our society cause us to be touch deprived:

Technology

The age of technology has allowed us to interact with others around the world via satellites and microchips but has dehumanized our daily lives. In a recent poll Americans rated the cell phone as the device they hate the most, but can’t live without. We interact more with our time-saving devices than we do with each other.

Children of busy mothers may often be “surrounded by plastic”. From the day care center to the home environment, infants are “contained” in car seats, strollers and playpens. When mom is too tired or busy to attend to them, children may be plunked in front of the electronic babysitter, the TV. Contrast this to the child who is held all day, snuggled close in a baby carrier, or has the opportunity to interact and play freely with his environment.

Disconnected lifestyles

Urbanization, two career families and the loss of the extended family have led us to isolation.
Husband and wives, caught up in work and family obligations, are often too exhausted to give each other the affection needed. A recent Newsweek cover story focused on the “so-called epidemic of low-sex or no sex marriages in America.”

We rarely know our neighbors or live close to parents and grandparents. We are suspicious of strangers and carefully guard our personal space when we meet new people. Only in small cities and towns in America do you find the connectedness and community needed to “keep in touch”.

A Litigious Society

Touching someone can be a federal offense these days. With the new sexual harassment laws many people are afraid to extend a warm hug or a friendly touch. In addition, with the increase in child molestation, we must guard our children’s safety and teach them the difference between good and bad touching. Unfortunately for our children, that means their caregivers must be especially guarded in showing them affection, even when appropriate.

The media

Relaxed morals in mass media portray an unrealistic view of sexuality and relationships which can lead to inappropriate behavior and desires. We want what we see on the silver screen even if it is unattainable, further feeding our skin hunger.

How Can We Make Sure Our Loved Ones Get Enough Touch?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as she settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his collar, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfil one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.So, reach out and touch someone you love today. Til next week….(This article is a compilation of notes I took from various different sources.)

Resources

The Five Love Languages. “Touch” is one of the five ways people feel loved. Gary Chapman, a seasoned marriage counselor, explains that people feel most loved in one of five ways: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Though we have a primary love language, we can learn a second language so that those who are important to us have their “love needs” met even though their preferred channel may be different from ours. This is one of the most important books on relationships you’ll ever read, particularly on enriching marriage relationships.

The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages of Teenagers Does your child speak a different language? Sometimes they wager for your attention, and other times they ignore you completely. Sometimes they are filled with gratitude and affection, and other times they seem totally indifferent. Attitude. Behavior. Development. Everything depends on the love relationship between you and your child. When children feel loved, they do their best. But how can you make sure your child feels loved? Since 1992, Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-selling book The Five Love Languages has helped more than 300,000 couples develop stronger, more fulfilling relationships by teaching them to speak each others love language. Each child, too, expresses and receives love through one of five different communication styles. And your love language may be totally different from that of your child. While you are doing all you can to show your child love, he may be hearing it as something completely opposite. Discover your child’s primary language and learn what you can do to effectively convey unconditional feelings of respect, affection, and commitment that will resonate in your child’s emotions and behavior.

Ivy League Baby Developmental DVD with Baby Massage. These types of resources weren’t around when my children were babies, but mothers have given this DVD rave reviews not only for its massage techniques that help with everything from anxiety to colic, but for the developmental exercises and information that the DVD contains.

We hadn’t seen each other for many months though we had both tried to be mutual encouragers through phone calls, blogging, and emails. I was so excited to see my friend and I’m sure he could see the joy in my eyes as we met and embraced in a warm hug. He hugged me hard in a way that told me he loved me and was glad to see me again. That hug was filled with protection, thankfulness, and prayer. We were brother and sister of faith finally meeting for a time of face to face encouragement. It was a long hug and somewhere in the back of my mind it suddenly occurred to me that anyone that saw it and didn’t know how close of a friend this man had become to me and my husband, they might get the wrong idea. I pulled away first and immediately felt a little shame. Not by the hug. By my pulling away from this man whose intentions were so pure and honorable. He’s one of my favorite people, and subconsciously I took a step of uncertainty away from him. I don’t think he noticed any weirdness from me, but I thought about that again when I read the Touch Hunger article.

Why has our society moved away from touching? Does it have anything to do with our overly sexualized culture? Is it a lack of training? Is it the fear of…what? Unwanted inappropriate behavior? Fear of rejection? Lack of concern for someone else’s need to be touched? What is it?

I was talking to my best friend Tawnya about the article and I told her it was no wonder we loved college so much. EVERYONE at York hugged all the time. Guys and girls alike. We were a small campus and for the most part, everyone knew each other and liked each other. Not that I hugged everyone on campus, but I was never lacking for physical contact with others. When I flip through pictures from that time of my life, I’m usually touching someone in the picture. I have photos of me and my friends hanging all over each other, me and my boyfriends holding hands or his arm around me, and one of my favorites is of me and my girlfriends laying on the floor making a zigzag pattern with our bodies. One girl’s head on the stomach of the girl behind her – several girls long. I always had physical touch in abundance. I think I was making up for lost time. It made me sad to read Tawnya’s comment on the last post about the lack of physical touch in her life. Jared too. And we’re all several miles apart. That stinks!

I am a touch hungry individual. I haven’t always been – especially after having babies and being touched constantly. I think I’ve volleyed back and forth on the issue. A lot of my touch hunger as a child came from the abusive family I grew up in. We were always hitting each other and getting hit for doing something wrong and sometimes not doing things wrong. (Short disclaimer – my Mom reads this blog and I want you to know that I’m not talking about her. She wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t usually the one doing the hitting. I love my Mom and it’s a little weird to write some of this stuff, but it’s all true.) I feared touch for a long time because it mostly came at a price. But I craved it in a healthy way. I know that my promiscuity as a preteen and teen is due to me seeking out the physical touch I wasn’t getting at home. Of course there are other things that caused that too.

Another interesting thing I noticed is that some of the touch hungry people I know are my friends that struggle with depression. I went to Benny to talk with him about it and get his take on things. He’s been depressed for the last few months and he told me that sometimes he’ll go a day or two that his only physical contact is wrestling with the kids and hugging them because I haven’t touched him. Ouch! I couldn’t believe it and I wanted to deny it, but I knew he was right. I’ll be working on that one, and I feel so bad that I wasn’t making the effort to give myself to him in that way. I have some soul searching to do regarding that as well.

So how about you? Are you one to pull away from a hug uncomfortably? When you shake hands with someone do you have a firm grip and look them in the eye or do you look somewhere else and use the “dead fish shake” as I like to call it? Are you a side-hugger (or A-frame hugger) so that chests don’t touch? We’re taught that in ministry classes and that my friends, will be in the next post. Do you touch people on the shoulder, hand, arm, or whatever when you’re talking to them? Are you a patter as in pat on the back? What’s in a hug for you? What do you offer others in a hug?

I’ll see my friend again this weekend, and all of next week. You can bet that I’ll be giving and getting lots of hugs. Long, pure, and hard hugs full of love and friendship. And also short, sweet hugs that say, “I believe in you” and “Atta girl”. The God part (Holy Spirit) in each of us recognizes Himself and rejoices with us in our reunions. It is sweet fellowship and life is good when that touch hunger is being fulfilled.

I got this in my email Inbox today and thought it was really good. It’s from the The Homeschool Marketplace e-zine. Let me know what you think…

Touch Hunger by Ellyn Davis

Last week I read an article on “touch hunger,” and it prompted a lot of thoughts I’d like to share with you. Several years ago I was at a church prophetic conference in Redding, CA. The object of the conference was to teach us to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and what God might be saying to someone through us. So there was session after session on hearing God and the many ways He speaks. It was a great conference and I learned a lot from all that was taught. But one incident there impacted me more than all of the teaching over the whole four day weekend.

It was a hug.

We all tended to sit in the same seats each session, and there was an elderly lady who often sat to my left across the aisle from me. She had some sort of palsy and her whole body shook all the time. On the third day of the conference, I walked over to introduce myself. Her name was Joyce Adrian and she was from somewhere in Washington state.

After we exchanged introductions, she reached out to hug me. When she wrapped her arms around me, I was overcome with the love of God and burst into tears.

I was a little embarrassed, so I joked, “Wow! That was some hug!”

She laughed and said, “My hugs often have that affect on people.”

Joyce went on to tell me that she had asked God for a way to demonstrate His love to others and decided she would try and hug everyone she met. And He began giving her hugs supernatural power to cause people to feel His love when she hugged them. She said that even tough bikers would break down in tears when she hugged them.

I was amazed, and I started asking her for a hug every time I saw her. Her hugs always produced the same effect—an overwhelming feeling of God’s love for me that brought me to tears and sometimes caused me to tremble.

When the conference was over, I went back to Tennessee, but I asked God for Joyce Adrian’s gift. It just seemed to me that knowing how to hear from God for others was really important, but what was even more important was that they were able to experience His love for them.

Most of the time when we hug someone it’s kind of a courtesy hug. You know what I mean—like a peck on the cheek is a courtesy kiss. It’s perfunctory and usually done in passing, our mind on whatever we’re hurrying off to do next. We tend to be awkward, stiff, stand-offish and insincere with hugs. And often the response we get if we extend the hug a little longer than usual is one of impatience, because the person at the other end of the hug either senses its perfunctory nature or suspects we might have an ulterior motive.

We especially do this with our children. We tend to be so preoccupied with “What’s next?” that we don’t spend the time to be fully present when we hug or hold them.But I decided that when I hugged or held someone I was going to be totally there and really concentrate on being a conduit of God’s love for them.

So I started hugging people and really “being there” during the hug, being fully present with no agenda except to focus fully on the person I was hugging.

The Power of a Hug

Shortly after the prophetic conference, I went to another conference where a woman named Heidi Baker was one of the speakers. Heidi and her husband have a ministry in Mozambique to the poorest of the poor—people who actually live in the garbage dump. They have experienced astonishing healings and miracles in their ministry and have even had people raised from the dead.

I was amazed as I watched her during the ministry time after she spoke. She took the time with each one to actually hold them in her arms. When she prayed for them, it wasn’t as much prayer as it was holding and rocking them. And miracles happened. I saw the power of taking time for the individual, and how it demonstrated the love of God to people. So I longed even more for Joyce Adrian’s gift.

I continued experimenting with what I call “extreme hugs”—hugs where I was totally there and loving the person. Nothing happened for awhile. Then one day a woman I barely knew came to talk to me about her failing marriage. I felt real compassion for her, so I hugged her. She immediately started crying, shaking, and fell to the ground overcome with the love of God.

That was the beginning. Not everyone I hug, hold, or touch affectionately has the same intensity of response, but many have told me they feel the love of God for them when I hug or hold them.

A few years later, I heard about Amma, born the daughter of a poor fisherman, but known throughout the world as “India’s hugging saint.” Her mission in life is to hug people. She has travelled all over the world and has hugged 22 million people in the last 33 years. People who receive her hugs often burst into tears and report feelings of bliss. Some have even been healed of diseases just from Amma’s simple hug. Why? I don’t know for sure, but I suspect it’s because Amma’s hugs are like Joyce Adrian’s and Heidi Baker’s—they are a total, complete embrace of the person. For some, it may be the first time in their whole lives that someone has shown focused affection toward them.

Then I saw a video about the Free Hugs Campaign. Started by one man, Juan Mann in Australia, who stood in a shopping center with a sign that read “Free Hugs,” it has now spread to dozens of countries. It seems that people are so desperate to be embraced that they will accept hugs from total strangers in public places.

Watch the video about the Free Hugs Campaign HERE. It is very touching (literally).

Touch Deprivation

Since I first met Joyce Adrian, I’ve become very aware of how “touch deprived” we all are. I read somewhere that the average adult has less than a minute of touch contact a day and most of that is shaking hands with someone.

Touch is such a basic human need that neither children nor adults can live without it. Children who live in abusive homes and who are deprived of touch have been known to wither and die.

The need for touch is real, and persists throughout our lives. In fact, I’ve recently read that escort services in larger cities are becoming aware of how deprived many modern men are of touch, particularly those who spend most of their time at computers, and they have begun targeting that segment of working men through internet ads. Men who have little human contact or touch in their everyday lives are willing to pay to get it in the form of escort and sex services.

And psychologists and social workers are beginning to believe much of adolescent sex is due to the hunger for touch.

Next week….Touch Hunger, part 2.

The package was light and in one swift movement I ripped it open and let the book fall into my waiting hands, flipping it over to read the back. I always read the back. Not just so I can see what other people have to say about the author’s books – I’ll form my own opinion, but I am always interested in reading the synopsis before I dive into a book I’m committing to spend several hours with. Sometimes it’s an easy sell and I can’t wait to make time to be with the characters as their situations in life unfold before me. Such was the case with Shelley Bates’ latest book, OVER HER HEAD.

What kind of mother suspects her own daughter of murder?

Laurie Hale has the perfect life-and the perfect family to go with it. She imagines fun, love, and academic success for her daughter, Anna. But when one of Anna’s classmates is found murdered and the police start asking questions, fear and suspicion threaten everything Laurie values.

Anna isn’t the only suspect – a whole group of teenagers seems to be involved, but none of them is talking, and the community is in an uproar.

Laurie is asked to leave her prayer group just when she needs it the most, and her marriage bears the strain of the crisis. Laurie’s only ally is Janice, the mayor’s wife, whose own son could implicate Anna – or exonerate her.

Ultimately, Laurie must face her fears: What if Anna really was involved in Randi Peizer’s murder? And what kind of person is Laurie if she can doubt her own child’s innocence? Only God can provide the answers when Laurie finds herself in OVER HER HEAD.

I love a good mystery. Especially one where the characters are well developed and you feel like you know them. Shelley did a great job of captivating my imagination and keeping my fingers turning the pages in anticipation.

I loved that the main character has to reexamine her faith. In the midst of her fears, and as she tries to do the right thing, she comes face to face with the realization that her faith isn’t what she thought it was. Is she depending on God or is she trusting in her own abilities? Is it pride? Is it the comfort of being needed? Is she trying to do God’s job for him? I have so been there too. I am an emotional creature, so when a book grabs my heart and I hear God speak to me through the message the author is trying to convey through story, it endears me to the author and his/her work.

Shelley’s story was sometimes intense as she dealt with issues like watching your child go through pain you can’t end, and feeling betrayed by those you take for granted as lifelong friends. The humor sprinkled throughout the story was welcome relief and then came the big stuff. She addressed the desperation felt when life gets too hard to handle on your own. One of her characters has the refreshing ability to be real and blunt with no pretenses. Another one struggles with female relatives trying to marry him off. One of my favorite lessons was that sometimes friendship comes in the most unexpected places. You think you know all about someone and then your assumptions turn out to be wrong. Some of us don’t always make the best first impressions. I also needed to see a church being portrayed as a place of healing. Sometimes it’s not, though it’s meant to be.

This was a story of tragedy, a web of lies, fear, faith and healing. There is a reading group guide included in the back of the book. It was time well spent and I now know why Shelley Bates is an award winning author.

Check her out at www.shelleybates.com and tell her I sent you!