Sometimes I Write

I had an epiphany today that was quite painful. It would be more accurate to say that Benny had an epiphany about me and I knew in my heart he was right, so in the spirit of being transparent and real, I’m going to confess it to you. Surely I’m not the only one.

I don’t sleep…unless I have to. I don’t like to sleep. I feel like it’s a waste of time when I could be doing other things. I have been a night owl ever since I can remember. I’m talking early childhood here. That is my body rhythm and it feels set in stone. I have a child who has the same tendency. He’s always copied my rhythm. Occasionally I have what I call a “crash day” where I can barely function and I seem to catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing. No big announcement there, right? That’s not abnormal. Lots of people are like that. But here’s the epiphany:

I don’t sleep because it makes me feel out of control.

I have nightmares. I dream about the mistakes I’ve made and the people I’ve hurt. I dream about being abused and committing crimes. Old lovers haunt my dreams. One of my recurring dreams is of not being able to reach my destination – no matter how important the task, I get sidetracked.

Some of you may think this is a no-brainer. It’s my subconscious mind working through stress and expressing unforgiveness in my heart. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s more than that.

Anyone else ever have this problem?

Part 2 tomorrow…

I can’t remember where I got the CD. I think it was one of those $5 items Family Christian Stores sets out by their registers, but I’m hardly ever in there, so I can’t be sure. Regardless, it became my summer go-to CD, lifting me up when I felt crappy, helping me release pent-up tears, and most importantly, reminding me that I’m loved (always) and I’m not alone (ever).

I have a feeling that JJ Heller is a kindred spirit, and her music speaks to me. One song in particular became my summer anthem as I ministered with and trained the teens and sponsors who came on SABBATH, our summer program for SEVENS. I can’t think of a single person that this song isn’t relevant to. We all long to be loved without condition and we’ve all felt despair and cried out for something or someone. Even those who don’t believe in God find themselves in this pit and cry out for love and rescue. May they all find what they’re looking for and so much more. Here are the lyrics and the YouTube video.

What Love Really Means

By JJ and Dave Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night “Dear God won’t you please…
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

*Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means, what love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

*Chorus

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
And I’ve watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen I’ll, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew

THAT is how I want to love people. JUST like that.

Tune into PBS this Sunday to watch a Sesame Street Primetime Special titled, “Growing Hope Against Hunger.”

Brad Paisley and Kimberly Williams Paisley join the “Sesame Street” Muppets to help explain to children about the widespread problem of hunger in the U.S. In the special, they meet Lily, whose family is dealing with the issue. According to this article in The New York Times, 7-year-old Lily represents “one of the 17 million American children that the Department of Agriculture estimates are “food insecure,” meaning their access to food is limited or uncertain.”

I’m excited to watch it with our kiddos. If you live in the Denver area, it airs at 7 p.m. If not, look it up on your local PBS station’s schedule. I’ll update on this again after the special, but right now I think this is a GREAT idea!