Sometimes I Write

Benny and I started renting the TV series LOST this weekend. We weren’t able to get into it last year when it was in the first season, though several people told us how much they loved it. Since it just came out on DVD and the series premiere is September 21st, we thought we’d get caught up and let that be our 2nd cult favorite this year. (ALIAS is first – ofcourse! Which premieres September 29th) For someone who doesn’t watch much TV, I’m hoping this will be a weekly bonding ritual for us.

This series is rich with issues that face us today and how we have a choice on how we handle them. There is a doctor who is a hero and a leader but struggles against those labels because his father had repeatedly told him as a young boy that he didn’t have what it takes and he shouldn’t try to be a hero or leader. There is a older man that is wild at heart and though he has spent his life in a wheelchair, he dreamed of a better life – one without his younger nasty boss continually telling him what he can’t do. His legs are somehow miraculously healed in the plane crash – at which point he embraces what he believes to be his destiny. He’s more than a survivor. There is a young man who is a musician and has a drug addiction. He will have to give it up either of his own choice or when the drugs run out. We watched him agonize with his choices. There is a pretty, unwed pregnant girl who looks like she will be in labor any second. There is a Korean couple that have a very troubled marriage. There is a woman who was being escorted by a U.S. Marshall for a crime we don’t know yet. There is a black man and his son (and his dog), who are just learning about each other and trying to form a family. The boy had lived with his mother until two weeks prior to the crash when she died. The man was bringing his boy back to the U.S. to live with him. There is a con man, a brother/sister duo with their own issues, an Iraqi man, a friendly and obese man, a older black woman who had been sitting next to the doctor on the plane and he had saved her life after the crash. There are many more stories that I haven’t even mentioned yet. Do you see how this has the potential to run for a very long time? There is a character for each of us to relate to if we look hard enough. There are many more stories of the people in this multi-faceted show including something invisible to us – an unseen monster of some sort that is killing people. And I just thought from the previews last year that it was a TV version of Jurassic Park. Was I ever wrong!

I can actually relate to several of the characters, and I thank God that he spoke to me through these shows. The lesson for me right now, and the one that hurts the most, is my relating to Charlie. He’s the musician with the addiction. He is well portrayed by Dominic Monahan(sp?) of Lord of the Rings fame (Merry Brandybuck). There is a scene where he is with John Lock (former wheelchair guy) in the jungle, and Mr. Lock confronts him about the drugs and demands he hand them over which he does. He promises Charlie that he will help him through his withdrawals. Charlie reluctantly agrees. Later he asks Lock to give him back the drugs. Lock says he only gets to ask for them back two times, then on the third time – he will give them back. He gives a great speech about how we are free to make our own choices, some good and some bad. The 2nd time Charlie asks for them back, he is visibly going through physical hell as his body begins the withdrawal process. Lock takes him over to a cocoon and asks Charlie if he knows what’s inside. Charlie shrugs and guesses a butterfly. Lock smiles and says no, this is a moth cocoon. Butterflies get all the glory because they’re so beautiful, but a moth is much stronger and it spins silk. He shows Charlie a little hole in the top of the cocoon where the moth is beginning to break free. He tells him that he could take his knife and make the whole bigger and “help” the moth gain its freedom much quicker, but then the moth wouldn’t be strong enough to fly. Breaking free of the cocoon is all part of the process and it makes the moth stronger in the end. His point has been made, and he reminds Charlie that the next time he asks for his drugs back, he’ll get them. I cried when Charlie approached Lock for the third time and demanded his drugs, then cried harder as Lock handed them over and Charlie threw them into the fire.

I too have an addiction. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve struggled with my weight for years. My addiction is food, and let me tell you – I believe the pull of food is as strong as any drug addiction I could have. Go back and read my post about the obesity problem in this country. I am far from alone – though that isn’t comforting to me. How long have I been in this cocoon? I feel like I’ve been waiting for someone to come along with their knife and cut me free. Is it possible that I’ve set up home in the cocoon fearing the struggle of breaking free? Do I have help keeping me in here? I finally read the book I talked about, The Insulin-Resistant Diet. It was quite an eye opener for me and I am sure that this has been a big part of my problem in my dieting history. So I started following the eating plan and did awesome for two days, then regressed back into the cocoon. It is painful and it’s causing other problems in my life.

I’ve been in a funk or awhile now. I do have days that everything seems to go right and then there are days that I’m grumpy with Benny and the kids, and I just want to curl up in a hole somewhere. I’ve been suppressing these feelings, afterall, I’m not facing devastation like the hurricane victims. Who am I to complain and cry out? I need to be grateful that I even have food when I want it. BULL!! Who ever said that just because my problems aren’t as visible and dire as the victims of Katrina, that God cares about my problems any less? I’ve been reading on a lot of blogs that my friends don’t feel they should ever have anything to complain about because they haven’t been displaced from their homes or lost everything like those poor people in LA and MS. While I agree that we need to be continually grateful, I believe that this line of thinking can also be False Guilt. God is hurting with me as I struggle to overcome my addiction to food just as much as he is hurting for those who have lost their homes and family members.

Watching these shows lastnight showed me just how LOST I really am. Thankfully I also saw the messages of HOPE, and banding together for survival. I’ll be o.k., just like Charlie on the show, I’m a survivor and I will beat this thing. Not because I have no choice, but because I DO have a choice. I’m going through the fire and I once again plead for the strength that comes with your prayers. Pray for me and Benny. Satan is attacking our marriage harder than he has in years. Pray for my patience and that I can diffuse my temper before spewing angry lava on my babies. Pray for my perseverance. I want so badly to be healthy and to get my athletic body back. Pray for my relationships with my friends. I’ve caught myself pulling away from people, or atleast holding back from being completely “me”. Pray for my heart. I didn’t realize how many layers of protection I had created to protect it, and now those layers are suffocating me. And finally, pray boldly against Satan and his army. They are camped on our doorstep. Pray them powerless to hurt and destroy us. Pray that God will bind up our wounds and heal our hearts and restore us to the people He created us to be. Thank you. Amen.

I received this email this morning from the HSLDA, or Home School Legal Defense Association. I wanted to pass it along to you in case you know of a homeschooling family in need after Katrina’s destruction. There are specialty groups all over the country helping out, I just happen to be a part of this one, as well as a few others. God bless you all as we give a hand up to those in need!

Friends of Homeschooling,

So many of you–over 3,500 families–have expressed your willingness to help. We have been overwhelmed by your generosity. Thank you! If you did not receive a response, please accept our apology–we simply could not respond to each offer of help. Now we need your eyes and ears to assist us in locating homeschooling families who have been displaced because of the hurricane. We are in contact with state homeschool organizations across the southern United States, and we’re also notifying a number of relief agencies, churches, and media outlets in an effort to get the word out, but with much of the Gulf Coast’s communications infrastructure severely damaged, we need your assistance as well.

If you know of a homeschooling family who needs assistance as a result of Hurricane Katrina–a place to stay, a job, curriculum for their children, even transportation to another location, please let us know, and tell them we’re ready to help. At this time, we have way more offers than takers! We have categorized each offer of assistance and now are ready to match requests for help with the generous offers we have received. From families needing assistance, we would like to know:

What type of help do they need? – Housing – Job – Curriculum
If they need housing, – Do they have a preference of location?
How long do they anticipate needing another place to stay?
Size of family, ages and sex of children?
Any special accommodations (e.g., pets, handicapped access)?
Special requests (e.g., prefer family with boys)?

Families seeking help may email us at www.hurricanehelprequest.org or call us at (540) 338-5600. Additionally, to stay abreast of our efforts to help these families, you can visit HSF’s website at www.homeschoolfoundation.org/hurricane . Thanks again for partnering with HSLDA and the Home School Foundation as we demonstrate the love of Christ to each family who is precious in His sight.

Sincerely, Mike Smith
President

P.S. If you have made an offer to host another family and we find a fairly close match among the requests that come to us, we will provide you with contact information that you can use to talk with the potential “guest family” to determine if it is the right match for your family.

I’ve mentioned to several friends that I’m tired of visiting churches. We have spent our summer moving, traveling, and visiting area churches and I’m tired. 🙂 I’m ready to settle down for a bit and find my niche – or create one for myself! We have enjoyed repeated visits to two different churches in the metro area, and though we’ve met great people at both of them, we don’t feel a strong pull to either of them. Shouldn’t we have that feeling of “Oh that is so the place for me!”? We like the people o.k., but don’t feel like those are the places for our family this year. We’ve also visited two churches where nobody talked to us. (yes-really!)

Of the first two mentioned churches, one has a great children’s program, while we like the worship style better at the other one. Our DB friends and team attend one of them, and at the other one, the women have made an effort to get to know me – even inviting me to attend Women of Faith with them. I could be happy at either one, but it’s not about me. Benny NEEDS to be in a place where he can be fed, and really be a part of things without being in charge of the program. Everywhere we’ve lived, whether a paid y.m. position or not, we have ended up in leadership positions. That’s not a bad thing, we just need a year off from that role…a sabbatical if you will. Our philosophy of ministry has been through a major overhaul in the past few years and we believe we are being called to be different. Different seems to be attracted to us, and Different is where we keep finding ourselves.

Benny and I have had words over this situation of church visiting, but I think he’s right. (Yes honey – I know you’re right! ;)) In my frustration I told him I could make friends anywhere and he replied that he can’t. (My thought? Yeah right!) So I asked him what he’s looking for. He said he’ll know when he finds it. He says he’s looking for something more, more than coming and putting your time in and heading to Luby’s (he’s a Texan – never heard of Luby’s ‘until I married him). More than the arguing over the same old, tired issues of the denomination we grew up in. More than the surface relationships you so often find at church, but nobody tries to get to know the real you. More than worrying about how you look and what you’re going to wear, and whether or not it will upset anyone. He wants relationships. He wants to find a place for his heart to rest, and his spirit to be moved. He wants to be relevant to an emerging generation – one that doesn’t fake it because they don’t feel they need to or have to. This was my paraphrase ofcourse.

So Saturday night I asked him where we were going to church in the morning. He said, “I don’t know yet” and disappeared into the office/guest room. A few minutes later he called me in and showed me a website he had found about a church fairly close to us. He thought it sounded cool and we should check it out. I begrudgingly said o.k. I have no idea why I had such a bad attitude, but I did. So Sunday morning arrives and we have a pretty relaxing time getting our day started since church didn’t start until 10:30 a.m. My bad attitude did not disappear while I slept. I started hinting that I didn’t want to go. Not intentionally, but passive-aggressively, I was trying to badger him into going with one of the churches we had already been to – you know -where we actually knew somebody. Long story short – he won, and I felt bad for fighting him on it.

We arrived at The Journey about 10 minutes early. It meets at the Front Range Community College, and we had never been in there. Thankfully there were signs pointing us in the right direction, but we didn’t need them. We barely made it in the door when we were greeted – by a teenager. 🙂 We walked into the room and immediately relaxed a little. (My more conservative friends need to skip the rest of this paragraph so you’re not offended.) There were candles lit around the room. I’m not talking little candles on a table, but big candelabra with pillar candles perched on their arms, and cloth draped around their legs to catch the melting wax. Right inside the door was a table with coffee, tea, juice, and snacks. There were several tables around the outside walls and we went over to check them out. One was a table to sit and write encouraging notes to others, one was to journal, one was being used by a guy painting a picture – which he did throughout the entire service. There was a table on each side of the room set up for communion, which we were invited to go over and take during the singing part of the worship. We met one of the three ministers before the service began. He was very friendly and asked a lot of questions and answered ours. The worship band began to play softly and invite us into our time of worship. I sang along on the songs I knew, like Chris Tomlin’s “Great is our God” and Third Day’s, “You are Holy”. There were many songs I didn’t know, but they were beautiful and something deep within me stirred. Music has always been one of the greatest ways that I’ve connected with God. The minister, Michael, and the youngest of the 3, was about our age. He had a great lesson on 1 Corinthians, and at the end, he gave us a few questions to discuss amongst ourselves for a few minutes. Application stuff. They’ve been talking about stories of faith, and a couple came forward to give their testimony about what God has done in their lives. It was really neat and I felt like an idiot for fighting Benny on going there. It was very different from what we’re used to. Different is good. The kids loved their children’s worship time too, and we’re going to visit again this Sunday.

I kept teasing Benny saying people would laugh at us…”How’d you find your church? Oh, we were surfing the internet one night…” 🙂 I won’t say we’ve found the place we’re going to settle into. We need to visit a bit more first and get to know some people before making that decision. Isn’t that a great name? The Journey?

This was taken while they were on their road trip in Texas. I told Benny I really liked the picture and he said with a laugh, “Me too, and I’m glad you like it, cause it cost like $20.00.” I hope he was kidding…lol

I’ve calmed down a bit since lastnight, but I still feel just as passionately as I did then about what I said. I was surprised to travel to my friend Larry’s blog and read what he had to say about all of this. I really respect this man, but I had to disagree with some of what he said.

I wanted to have a good day with my family today so I didn’t even turn on the TV. Little did I know the adventure I was in for…

Our friends Mark and Katrina Willis are here in Denver for the House2House conference, so we got to meet them for lunch downtown. We rode the Free Ride bus that travels up and down the 16th Street Mall to meet them. Benny and I each had a stroller, so when we got to our stop we were struggling to get off the bus when the bus driver closed the doors and started to pull away. I had told Max that this was our stop, so he had hopped off the bus already to stay out of my way. As soon as the doors started closing I started yelling “STOP!!!” but the driver either didn’t hear me or was ignoring me. Benny didn’t know Max had already gotten off and was being left behind, so he was trying to get me to calm down and telling me that we’d just get off at the next stop. He must have seen the panic in my eyes as I screamed that Max was off the bus because he transformed into scary authority mode! He yelled at the driver loud enough that everyone on the bus (which was packed) went silent, and people on the streets stopped to watch. ( I knew it would be o.k. when he took over the yelling – he’s louder and scarier than I am. lol) We got about a half a block away before the driver stopped. My heart was pounding through my chest. Mark and Katrina were standing there when we jumped off the bus, and I just shoved Pete’s stroller at them and ran for Max. Thankfully, one of the couples that had been on the bus with us saw the whole thing and had gotten off the bus when Max did. The lady was holding his hand and was headed straight for me. I have never been so thankful for the kindness of a stranger!!! In today’s world, even that freaked me out a bit. As a mother, I was fearing the worst. Some wacko could have grabbed him and I wouldn’t have been able to do a thing because I was stuck on the bus! I had to physically calm myself down in less than 15 seconds because I didn’t want to scare Max to death. Did I mention that we were meeting Katrina for the first time? My husband is AWESOME! He makes me feel protected and safe. His loud voice was so comforting to me, though it probably scared the bus driver.

It took me about 15 minutes to be completely calm again, and now as I’m retelling the story I’m feeling a bit shaky. I am not one of those moms that overreacts to everything, but let me tell you – NOBODY messes with my kids!!! So, I guess I’m still calming down.