Sometimes I Write

I sort of look at bumper stickers like I do church signs. I don’t get the point. How can you sum up your life’s philosophy in ten words or less so that everyone who reads it will know where you’re coming from and understand? It’s definitely a cheap way to advertise, sort of like seeing the christian fish symbol makes you assume that the occupants are followers of Christ. Do you ever get irritated when these people cut you off in traffic and think, “And you call yourself a Christian?!” HaHa I have to admit, I’ve been there.

I got irritated the day I saw a sticker of the Calvin character peeing on everything from the Ford symbol to bin Laden. How disrespectful is that??? How about the sticker that says, “My other car is a broom” or ” They finally found someone who can do the job of 5 men…one woman”. Shouldn’t stupidity like that be kept in the brain and not shared with the world? We laugh at the dumbest things sometimes!

When I worked for the USPS, my brother sent me two bumper stickers for my car:
“Guns don’t kill people…postal workers do” And, “Back off…I’m a postal worker”. Stinker! Somehow I never got around to putting them on my car. I haven’t seen as many vehicles with bumper stickers here in Colorado as I did in Indy or Wichita. Who knows what that means…

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I flew back to Denver on Monday night. The flight home wasn’t nearly as pleasant as the flight to Indy. There was snow on the ground, but 10 minutes west of the airport it was just wet and rainy. I was so glad to be home with my family and I was right, I got covered with kisses. 🙂 Benny and the kids had been sick most of the time I was gone, and there’s nothing like a momma’s loving when you don’t feel well. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling crappy. YUK! There is no such thing as a sick day for mothers. Shouldn’t there be an emergency service for that or something? I bet I could make a fortune starting THAT business! People could pay me to come over and clean house, do their homeschooling lessons, play with the kids, cook all the meals, vacuum again after their toddler grinds cheerios into the carpet, paint seasonal decorations with the kids, conquer their Mt. Washmore, mail off the somehow neglected health insurance bill (ironic), and bathe their kids before reading the same night-night story three times and tucking them into bed, pray with them, then threaten dire consequences if they get up one more time. I know how to do all that really well. As a matter of fact, I’m an expert!

I’m sure we’ll shake whatever is plaguing our family, hopefully before I have to call in my hippie friends to see what kind of strange green drink will cure us all from our ailments. 😉

I had my first online meeting with the Z-team this morning. (Catchy, huh Adam & Brock?) It was a bit confusing playing musical chairs with Benny and remembering to type in who was talking since we were both signed in under my name. We had a few mix ups, but it was fun. We’re trying to choose our theme for our Senior High camp next summer. My favorite suggestion so far centers around MERCY. I started looking up scriptures and just marveling at the vastness of the topic. We’re definitely going to have to focus in and narrow it down a bit. If any of you have a favorite scripture pertaining to MERCY, please share it with the rest of us via leaving a comment here. I’ll pass it on to my Z-friends.

I keep hearing stories about the ZOE conference and how great it was. That is one thing I miss about being the paid y.m., getting to go to conferences on someone else’s dime. There’s no way our budget will allow for stuff like that at this point. Oh well, I’ll live vicariously through you world travelers out there. Keep sharing your stories and encourage those of us who weren’t there with you.

Tomorrow it’s back to BSF, and getting my family back on a routine. Things function so much more smoothly when the kids know what’s coming next. Imagine that…my kids needing to know the plan…where’d that come from? 🙂 Hope you all have a great week. It’s going to take me that long to catch up on all your blogs. Bless you!

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I’m sitting here on the couch next to Angi as she sleeps. We’ve been up for a couple of hours, but we’re having a lazy morning…her sleeping and me blogging. The T.V. is on the weather channel and I’m getting a bird’s eye view of the snow streaming down on Denver today. It’s 55 degrees and overcast in Indy today -the last day of my trip. This evening I’ll be covered in wet, sloppy kisses by three little children who terribly miss their momma! 😉 I talked to them all yesterday and when I told Max that they’d be picking me up at the airport, he said, “Are we going to ride any elevators or anything?” I laughed and said yes, then reminded him of our new “elevator rules”. His rather exasperated reply was, “I knooooow, I remember!”

Yesterday went really well. I went to Angi’s church and got to see several friends I haven’t seen in a year or more. When my friend Annette saw me, she did a hop, skip and jump kind of thing all the way over to me. Talk about feeling the love! LOL It was awesome. Then Toine arrived and hugged me tight and whispered, “I’ve missed you so much” into my ear. I got to see Dale and Janis Turner and found out they’ll be coming to Denver around Christmas, so we’ll get together then, and Daniel Dixon, a guy who had been in our youth group in Indy. I even saw Jeannie Isaacs. If you read my story of Max post, she was my birth doula. It was so good to see her and show her pictures of my kids. She’s about to have her fourth. What a blessing. I really enjoyed the service, the speaker was awesome and I was surrounded by friends.

After church we went to Carrabbas. YUM! I love Italian food. It was Angi, Angela, Annette, Toine, Sarah, and her sister Alice, and me. We laughed and talked and ate for about two hours. Angela arrived first and got our table ready, so when the rest of us walked in, our server said, “Look who finally decided to show up”. lol So we teased him the rest of the meal.

After lunch Angi and I went back to her house for a bit, then drove to Brazil to the cemetery. It was an emotional, but peaceful time, and I took a few pictures of his headstone. I hadn’t seen it yet, and laughed when I did. Kyle LOVED the outdoors, and his headstone has a picture of a lake with a log cabin on the bank, a deer, a duck flying through the air, and a couple in a fishing boat. The funny part is the woman is the one catching a big fish while the man is holding the net for her. That’s exactly what happened when Kyle and Angi had gone to Canada on a camping trip. Angi caught several fish before Kyle caught his first one, but he eventually caught up with her. 🙂 When she ordered the headstone, the picture she liked depicted two men fishing, so she requested that it be changed to a man and a woman instead. When she saw the finished product, she laughed and said Kyle would have fussed at her, laughed, and said, “Uh-huh, I’ll get you back for that one”. We had a conversation about whether or not to take fresh flowers out there since Kyle’s sister had already put out seasonal silk flowers. We had joked that if Kyle were alive he’d prefer fishing lures over flowers. When we arrived at the cemetery, his sister had left a little frog lure! We laughed and I was thankful for the little moments of joy that God gives us in our sorrow. Overall, it was a good day.

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Benny and the kids dropped me off at the airport Wednesday night. Being the perfectionist that I am, I showed up two hours early for my flight. When I entered the terminal, I was surprised to see no one at the desk of the airline I was flying. I don’t just mean other passengers, I mean I didn’t see any people working the desk either. I approached rather slowly and finally saw two women sitting on stools behind the big desks just chatting away. It must have been a nice break for them because normally DIA is packed with people who make them hop and jump through hoops to please them. They were extremely friendly and had me on my way in about two minutes flat. I was soooo happy to not be standing in an eternally winding line of passengers. It felt like special treatment somehow. 🙂 I headed off to the the restaurant area to get some supper after I checked the security lines. It was almost a repeat of the first desk. There were only a few people walking through -NO LINES. I got my supper and sat down to people watch for a bit. It’s amazing to me how we, humans who need relationship with other humans, can be so cut off from one another. It’s strange to me that people can be so lost in their own little worlds that they don’t even notice what is happening all around them. I know I’m one of those people too, it’s just that when you take the time to stop and watch, you see amazing, sweet, even tender things. There was a young guy sitting on a bench holding a beautiful bouquet of multi-colored flowers, just smiling to himself as he gazed down at them. I saw a mother looking a little frenzied while pushing an overloaded stroller while trying to keep up with her little boy who was pulling his own mini-suitcase. There were security workers on break, and people in business suits looking all important. An older couple holding hands walked by me and I wondered, “Where is their luggage?” The lady wasn’t even carrying a purse. Maybe they were having a date, like Zoe and I did back in July. I don’t go to the mall, so when I fly is the only opportunity to have a good seat while people watching.

I met a business lady on the underground train that takes you to your concourse. She and I struck up an easy conversation and I found out she’s from Pheonix. I mentioned that is one of the cities we’ve been looking at for a future Dry Bones planting. We chatted until we got to our seperate concourses, then she walked back out of my life. I was deep in thought at this point about how our lives are a series of little bumps into other people’s lives. Some of them last longer than just a bump, but all relationships last for a finite amount of time, except the relationship with the one who made us. Our longest relationships are with our parents or spouses, and even those are temporary. I’m thinking physical relationship here – someone you can touch, or call on the phone, or mail letters to. Ofcourse my mind would travel to this thought because of the nature of my trip this week. We just never know how long and deep an encounter or bump will effect us.

While waiting at my gate for our plane to arrive, I was treated to a couple of twenty something guys playing softly on a guitar, and singing. The sounds of the acoustic guitar relax my body as well as my spirit. It was awesome. I was reading, but felt the urge to make some calls to request prayers for Angi for this weekend, so I did. I figured it was a Holy Spirit thing. I was surprised by the small number of people at the gate when it was time to board. We were on a regular sized jet (6 seats across) and there were only 26 passengers. I got to leave seat 20a and move up to the exit row which was completely empty. LOTS of leg room – YEAH! Then I giggled to myself as I thought about my recent conversations with Angi about the flight. I had told her that after watching LOST, my first thought when I got on the plane would probably be me looking around at everyone else wondering if I could survive on an island with them. So it was funny to me to now be sitting in the Exit row – I’d be responsible for helping the other passengers to safety in the event of a crash landing. (Maybe there should be a heroic stay-at-home-mom on the show.) 😉 She had chided me saying there are no big bodies of water or islands between Colorado and Indiana, so I reminded her that Oceanic flight 815 had been a thousand miles off course. The joke was lost on her (no pun intended) because she’s not a LOST fan like me. Oh well.

Our flight left early so we landed in Indy before Angi got to the airport. She pulled up and got out of the car and we hugged hard. It was so good to see her. I know it’s only been since July, and we talk on the phone almost every day, but sometimes you just need that physical touch to make things feel right with the world. I’m here to not only be strong for her, but to weep with her as well, and there was a lot of emotion in that first hug. We got in the car and there was a gift for me on my seat. She bought me the new Casting Crowns CD! ( The one I was going to have to wait until next payday for) I was so excited! It was the first in a series of gifts she has given me since my arrival. It seems she’s “paying me back” (in a good way) for my giving her a daily gift at camp this summer. She’s knows that gifts is one of my love languages, and she’s spoiling me. It feels nice.

We stayed up way too late talking – something we’ve repeated every night since I got here. On Thursday we went to the Indiana State Museum to experience the opening day of the last stop on the internationally touring Lord Of The Rings movie trilogy exhibition. I know – I’m a movie nerd. I LOVED IT!! I got to see the actual costumes worn by the cast, and the weapons they weilded, both real and reproduction. There were maquettes of Treebeard, and other non-human characters from the movie. So cool. They had quite a few “movie magic” interactive booths that showed you the tricks of the camera, and other behind the scenes secrets of creating films of this magnitude. For instance, Angi and I did a laser scanning of our faces to see what we’d look like if we were carved in stone. There was a booth where you could get your picture taken with another person using the technology they used to make Gandalf appear so big when he was in the Shire. It was a combination of camera tricks and two sets of props – one regular size and one hobbit size. The “hobbits” used the regular sized props while the others that interacted with them used the hobbit sized props. In the picture, you have two people sitting on what appears to be the same bench, but one of you is the size of a hobbit, and one of you is a giant in comparison. It looked fun, but neither of us is keen on having our picture taken, so we watched other people do it instead. Another activity was a long wall that measured your height. You stand in a certain spot and are “measured”, then a speaker above your head tells you where you fit in with the characters. The voice said I could be a tall dwarf!!! Angi laughed so hard…I’m not short! I’m almost 5′ 7″. The voice told her she could be human…I repeated the “could be” part and we laughed some more. There was so much to see! I did get a little creeped out when we first walked in. One of the first things you see is the boat holding a dead Boromir, the one they sent him over the falls in. The dummy version of Sean Bean was so life-like it was creepy. It was detailed down to the realistic eyelashes and wrinkled skin. The only thing that wasn’t realistic looking were the fingernails, they were the same color as the flesh. And it was an instant reminder of why I’m here. Oh boy, this has the potential to be a long weekend with things like this popping up. The exhibit was incredibly awesome, and if you share my LOTR nerdness and live anywhere near this museum, you must trust me that it is worth your time and money to visit the exhibition. It will be there until sometime after Christmas -I’m not sure how long.

I had a shock to my system after we left the museum. Angi gave Kyle’s cell phone to our friend Angela to use instead of cancelling it. Angela had left me a voicemail on my cell and when I called her back, I got her voicemail, “Hi! This is Kyle…” I almost dropped my phone. Angi apologized for not reminding me that his voice was still on there – one of the only recordings she has of it. It wasn’t her fault, I knew about it, but it’s been over a year since I’ve called his phone and I had forgotten. So much for being strong for her…I was shaken up for a few minutes. I’m not sure why my reaction was so strong, and I felt badly that I couldn’t mask it better for Angi’s sake. Oh well, I expected it to be an emotional weekend, didn’t I?

Speaking of emotional, while hanging out lastnight she showed me the bouqet of roses Kyle had given her exactly one year ago lastnight. They are perfectly dried and in a vase as a visual reminder of Kyle’s passionate adoration and love for her, and one of the last gifts she would ever receive from his loving hands. Alot of tears were shed lastnight. I hope it was healthy. When you’re in the middle of it, it sure doesn’t feel like it. We were up past 3 a.m. We must have been out of our minds. I haven’t gone to bed before 2 a.m. since I got here. Oh well, today is Saturday and we both slept in…she’s still sleeping and it’s already past noon. We’re just planning on going with the flow today, and maybe seeing a few girlfriends this afternoon. Whatever else happens is just fine with me – I’m along for the ride.

Tomorrow is the one year Anniversary of that horrible accident and the death of my friend. I’m crying just thinking about it. After church, a bunch of us girls are taking Angi out for lunch and hanging out for a bit, then Angi and I are going to the cemetary together. I don’t know what that will be like, but I’ll be there for my friend and that’s what matters. As hard as it’s been sometimes, I’m so glad God has used me to be a source of comfort and understanding for her, and sometimes a motivator when she needed one. I’m thankful for the friendship we share, and I’m thankful to be here with her this weekend. Keep us in your prayers.

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Three years ago today, my beautiful little girl entered the world. Her name means “Life”. A name she lives up to very well. I’d like to tell you the choosing of her name was just that, we knew what it meant and thought it appropriate. The truth is that Max and I were naming the characters on his Sesame Street lunchbox one day and Benny heard “Zoe” and liked the sound of it. We didn’t know any Zoe’s, and we were having a hard time agreeing on a name. We decided on her name, THEN learned what it meant and were thankful! She is our spunky little princess, though she’s not Elmo’s little orange monster friend, and this is a bit of her story.

I already told you that I was shocked to find out I was pregnant with Max. What I didn’t tell you was that after he was born, the doctor told me because of how I am built on the inside, it’s hard for me to get pregnant. I figured that meant Max would be an only child until we adopted. So when I discovered I was pregnant with Zoe, I was shocked again. It began in a similar fashion – I hadn’t missed a period, but I knew something was different. Call it women’s intuition if you like. I told Benny on Superbowl Sunday that our family was growing again. I was worried, and he laughed at me. Do you notice a pattern emerging here? 🙂

It was 2002,and we were still living in Indiana. I had to endure another horribly hot and humid summer while carrying around a built-in heater in my mid-section. Praise God for air conditioning! I had very little morning sickness which went away completely when I changed my prenatal vitamin, so the pregnancy was fairly easy. From the beginning, I wondered what this baby would be. Would I have the “all-American movie family” of boy, then girl so things would be even in the household, or would I be an all boy mom? The thought of having a girl scared me, so I was kind of hoping for the boy mom bit. I had all brothers growing up and I wasn’t exactly prissy girly myself…what on earth would I do with a girl? I knew boys. I lived with them growing up, I babysat them, I dated them, and I married one. Some of my best friends in high school and college were boys. Well, I only had a few months to wonder. We went for our first ultrasound and there she was-very clearly a girl. I breathed a sigh of relief so I guess deep down I must have been excited at the prospect of having a girl.

Zoe was born one week before her due date by scheduled C-section. We knew she was going to be atleast 10 pounds and didn’t want a repeat of Max’s birth. It turned out to be the right decision because the doctor told me right after she was delivered that she would not have come out any other way. She was beautiful and round, perfect, and big…10 lbs 22 1/2 inches long. I prayed over her and promised her and God that I would be the best mommy I could be for her and that I would raise her to be a loving, compassionate, and Godly woman. Max was totally in love with her even before she was born. He would talk to my belly and kiss it, and tell her to hurry up so he could see her and hold her. He turned 3 just two weeks before she was born. Lennie and Laurie came to Indy to be with us and we had an awesome visit. Even though it was a scheduled delivery, Laurie was my post partum doula. I don’t know what I would have done without her there!

One of my favorite memories from delivery day is of Jerry Hallett. He was one of our elders from church and he loved us a lot. Twenty minutes after we arrived at the hospital, the nurses had just started prepping me and I was filling out paperwork when there was a knock at the door. It was Jerry! At 6:20 a.m.! He stayed with us and visited until it was time for me to go into surgery. When Benny and I headed to the O.R., Jerry took Laurie down to the cafeteria for breakfast. She had been there for Max’s birth, so they sort of knew each other. (Lennie was at home with Max since we had to be up so early.) Jerry headed to work as soon as he knew everything went fine with the delivery, promising to return later in the day, which he did. It meant so much to me to have him there even before Zoe was born. Maybe it was the ultimate expression of love to me because our own parents weren’t able to be there, I’m not sure, but it’s something I will never forget.

The day Zoe was born was one of the best days of my life. I would need the joy from that day to carry me through for awhile because the first few months of her life were really hard for me. When Zoe was three weeks old, Max decided he wanted to hold her, so he climbed up the side of the crib and pulled her out. Actually, he had one arm around her and the other was holding onto the crib when I saw them down the hall and screamed, “No!” I scared him so badly that he let go of her and the crib. He fell back onto the floor, and Zoe was more out of the crib than in, so she fell on him then bounced on the floor right on her head. I panicked. I had visions of a broken neck or injured back, and boy was she screaming! I called Benny at work and he rushed home so we could take her to the emergency room. Ofcourse she was fine and the nurse treated me like an overly protective mother. That was just the first in a string of events that would prove just how tough she is.

When Zoe was 6 weeks old, I found our friend and neighbor, Diana, in her home. She had committed suicide and had left ME a note on the back of a picture of my kids. It was extremely traumatic and that began a depression for me that seemed to last for months. That same week we flew to Wichita to interview for a youth ministry position. We hadn’t been looking, they found us, so we thought it might be God’s call and had to follow up on it. It was a hard weekend and ofcourse we missed the funeral. I know that was part of Diana’s plan. In January we moved to Kansas and I found myself with two small children, still trying to overcome my depression, and once again starting over. Thankfully, one of my bestfriends from college, Tawnya, lived in Wichita. There is no doubt in my mind that she was my gift from God and I knew that things were going to be o.k. We had 8 months together before she moved to Kansas City for a job. The other blessing was that Zoe was a very happy and playful baby. I loved watching Max play with her and sing to her. He is still such a great big brother to her.

When Zoe was 6 months old, I found out I was pregnant with Pete. I almost called the doctor in Indy (the one who had told me that it was hard for me to get pregnant) so I could laugh at her diagnosis. When she was just 14 months old, she became a big sister. It’s a role she loves!

When Zoe was 19 months old, she and Max traveled with Laurie back to MN for a week for a visit. We were going to pick them up the following weekend and go on to WI to see my family. We all met in Kansas City, spent the night with Tawnya, and left in the morning. We got about 2 hours south of KC when Laurie called to say they had had an accident in Missouri. Everyone was fine but they were going to the hospital anyway to get checked out. Max was bleeding from his mouth (he had bitten his tongue and lip) they were worried he may have some internal injuries, so they immobilized him on the back board and off they all went in an ambulance to the local hospital. When they got there Laurie and Max were checked out more closely because they had physical signs of injury from the accident, but Zoe didn’t have a scratch on her. A very loving and observant nurse insisted Zoe be x-rayed too because everytime she touched Zoe’s side, she flinched. A short time later Zoe was air-lifted to Children’s Mercy Hospital in K.C. with internal injuries. She had two fractured ribs and a laceration in her liver. That was the scariest phone call I have ever received in my whole life. We actually beat the helicopter to the hospital and the wait was agonizing. Meanwhile Laurie and Max were released and had to wait for us to come up there to pick them up. I did NOT want to leave Zoe’s side, but my precious son and my best friend needed me too. My 19 month old was laying in pain in a hospital bed that closely resembled a cage, and we were helpless. It was a long four days of tests and being observed by doctors to see if she would require surgery. God was there and he gave me enough peace to know that she was going to be o.k., and the nursing staff was fantastic. I believe Zoe was healed before we left the hospital. The doctor said it would take months for her little body to heal all the way, but she never complained about any pain after we got home, and I had everyone I know praying for her. I’m am thankful that today I have Max, Zoe, and Laurie, healthy and well.

Max and Zoe are the best of friends and if you saw us in a McDonald’s playland, you’d never know that they are 3 years apart in age. She’s almost as tall as he is. She is often mistaken for a five year old which can be irritating when others who make that mistake expect her to act like one. When I say she’s only 2 (well, now she’s three) I get unbelieving looks. I had always said I wouldn’t force the gender issue of pink and dolls, etc. I wanted her to be her own person and I vowed to be o.k. with it if she loved trucks and getting dirty over tea parties and dresses. God must have been chuckling at that, because He gave me both in one pretty little body! We have a picture of her on our family website that pretty well sums her up. In the picture, she’s wearing a dress and sandals with a baseball cap on backwards, holding a wooden sword in one hand while talking on the phone. LOL It is sooooo her.

Zoe loves to perform and her typical stage is our couch. She is very motherly to her babies and stuffed animals, and yet she holds her own when she’s playing rough with her brothers. Lately she’s been asking to help me clean – I hope that one sticks! 🙂 She has so much of Benny in her that it’s amazing. She even has his hazel eyes and straight hair – if he had any. 😉 I love watching the two of them together especially when they cuddle up to watch a movie. It makes me sad that I missed out on that in my own childhood, but it makes me even more glad that she has that special bond with her Popa. There’s very little he wouldn’t do for her and she knows it.

Zoe is well advanced in almost every area…except when it comes to potty training. My last few posts on SUPERMOM have been about her. I love that she’s really into princess stuff and loves to watch movies and read stories with me. She makes up her own stories too. They usually start with, “Once upon a time there was a (pause) Creature!” and she poises with her hands in the air like they are claws. I have no idea where that came from, but it makes us all laugh. She is really a funny little girl, and she has the best giggle! She has joined Max in the knock-knock joke phase, which I hope will end soon. (insert rolling eyes here) She loves to boss Petey around – probably because Max has done that to her and she figures it’s her turn. Just recently I’ve started to notice more of myself in her, and I can’t imagine what I was thinking when I was afraid to have a girl. I wouldn’t trade her for a hundred boys. She is the sunshine in my life.

We had a little birthday party for her tonight which she loved. I made her a princess cake – the kind with a barbie body sticking up from the round dress. She decorated her own mini-cake, a family tradition, with pink frosting and 2 Care Bears. I’ll post pictures soon. Benny and I made her a hot pink SuperZoe shirt complete with a silver cape. She was flying around the house in no time! Just like Max did, she told everyone she had contact with today that it was her birthday. She loved opening her gifts and it seemed every one was her favorite. When I asked her what gift she liked best, she said, ” When I was opening all of my presents”. I showed her the front of the shirt we had made and asked her what it said and she replied, “Z-O-E, that spells me!”

Zoe is beautiful, funny, loving, and definitely full of life! What a blessing!

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