Sometimes I Write

I hope you’ve already visited McNair’s site and blog. I was honored that he emailed me and left me a comment because I chose him as a role model a few years back. I have had the privilege of meeting and knowing many who have helped me re-think and re-shape my theology, my self-image, and my faith. I thank God for putting these people in my life. I think I’ve blogged about a few of them…Linda Foreman (My best mentor/friend), Mike Yaconelli (I miss him, but he’s having lunch with Jesus today), Patrick Mead (Scottish Preacher/Speaker extraordinaire), Mike Cope (haven’t met him yet, but love his writing heart), Mardel Allen (The best high school teacher that ever lived), and McNair Wilson (Creative genius who likes to share). These people touched me in a special way at just the right time – it had to be a God thing. I am thankful for everyone who has helped me be me, and has loved me as me. In turn, I want to help those I meet and know be themselves and love them as they are and who they are becoming. It is one of the reasons I exist. Who has been that person in your life?

In further honor of McNair, I wanted to give you a taste of his wit and humor from one of his books, Everyone Wants to Go to Heaven But…

“If the only way that people know about your faith is by what you tell them, maybe only your lips are religious…Just watching the way a follower of Christ treats people can be a lesson about God. It really is true that Truth is often more powerful when it is caught than when it is taught. A good sermon should be seen and not heard.” p. 150-151

“:Verse. Where the words live. It is their address – chapter and verse. It is a way of finding your favorite sets of words. A way, too, of separating your most favorite set of words from the words around them that might tell you what they’re really about.” p. 175

“Most people think that there were only three wisemen. There were actually 14 wisemen, also atleast 87 to 173 servants, cooks, camels, and camel wranglers, probably. We just say there were only three so they will fit neatly on our coffee tables and mantels at Christmas.” p. 179

“Doubt. IT’S NOT THE ENEMY OF FAITH. Doubt is the honest, rigorous inquiry after truth. the enemy of faith is not caring.” p. 30

“Evangelism. IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU DO; it is something you are. It’s something you feel, not something you hear. It is what true believers do, all he time, by just living their lives every day-except when they are napping or in a coma. Evangelism is not noisy, but it is very loud.” p. 35

“Laughter. I AM CONVINCED that there will be lots of laughter in Heaven. Start practicing now so you won’t feel left out.” p. 95

One of my favorite parts of the book? The pages in the back dedicated for notes and doodles. Inspiration sparks something within me and demands a response, so thanks for thinking of that McNair. I’m the type that needed permission to write in books. I can’t believe I haven’t read the other ones yet…

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It is gorgeous outside today! The temp is in the 50’s, and though the wind is blowing pretty fiercely, I’m enjoying the sunshine. It was a great morning worshipping with my church family, and Michael had asked me to do a reading with my friend Shay. I am so thankful for the opportunity to praise God in this way that was foreign to me just a few short years ago.

Benny is back from the Dry Bones retreat and happily napping with Zoe. The boys are sleeping in their rooms and I’m enjoying a little quiet time. I’m excited to talk with him later about all that was said and done this weekend, especially in regards to our plan for next Fall. I’m not worrying, really, but I am very curious to see how everything is going to unfold. We (the Staff and Board of Directors) are prayerfully seeking God’s leading. I know my heart’s desire, and God knows my heart’s desire, so I’m waiting to get a sense of what God’s heart’s desire is for our family. I would welcome everyone to join us in these prayers!

My week of nostalgia has been strange, but good. Mr. Kartman, my Science teacher, emailed me back. I was thrilled! When I told Benny that he said he remembered me being a quiet kid, Benny laughed and said he must have been remembering someone else. 😉 I told Mr. K that you never know how you are impacting a life – especially when you have hundreds of teens stream through your classroom every year. I hope I made his day with my email. It was just in time – he’s retiring this year. I can’t believe he’s been teaching for 30 years. I also emailed my friend Ryan, one of the two mentioned in the last post. I haven’t heard back from him, but I wasn’t at all surprised to find out he’s a Music & Involvement Minister in Albuquerque, NM. He was one of the few “Christian” guys that I knew at my high school, I’m sure there were probably more, but few acted like it.

Benny’s comment about Mr. K’s comment got me thinking. I’ve never considered myself a quiet person, but I guess I was in classes. I lacked the self-confidence to raise my hand very often in fear of bringing negative attention my way. That, and a fear of what a certain mystery boy would think about whatever came out of my mouth. I had embarrassed myself in front of him plenty of times since the 6th grade, and couldn’t stand the thought of it happening again.

I met mystery boy on the first day of 6th grade. We were all hearded into the school library for a welcome to middle school orientation. I had just moved back to LaCrosse so I didn’t know anyone at this new school. I picked a table and sat down, then he walked in. He sat at the table next to mine and a crush was born. I knew there was a God that day (sarcasm) because there was more than one of him – he’s an identical twin. I would quickly learn how different a set of twins could be as I fell for one and was treated badly by the other. I thought it was just junior high boy antics, but the evil twin (as I affectionately called him) made it clear he didn’t like me all the way up through high school. Lovely. Mystery boy never gave me special attention, but he was never mean to me even when his brother was, so that won him points. Boy would I like to know whatever happened to him! I can’t imagine he’s a “Chris Grandy”. LOL

What’s the point? I wasted all that time not speaking because I feared the thoughts of a boy who didn’t like me and probably didn’t care what I thought in the first place. You’ve done that too, haven’t you? You’ve cared more about what a person thought about you than what God thought about you. It’s a trap I think we’ve all fallen into. Why does it take some of us longer to find our voice than it takes others? Why does it take so much convincing that we have something to say and we have the right, privilege, and sometimes the responsibility to say it? Why can’t it just be enough that God gave us something to say, and the courage to say it comes from Him as well?

This is relevant in the blogging world too. I had a certain idea of what my blog would be about and what would be discussed here. Then I started hearing and reading about blogging etiquette (which I evidently lack), and felt the pull of other people’s styles of writing. It was like a whisper on the wind…conform…your posts are too long…you use “…” to freely…conform…never name names…be politically correct…conform…blah blah blah. I hate to say it, but the struggle to be yourself and not be everyone else does not end with high school, college, or even marriage. I’m convinced it’s a life long struggle. So I continue to come to God and ask Him who I am and what He’s giving me to say, then I ask for courage to say it. Sometimes it’s just me having to ask Him for forgiveness because I’ve said the wrong thing, or spoken for Him when I shouldn’t have. I’m working at being me, and saying what I need to say. That may or may not be relevant to your life, but I need to get it out – which is why I blog. McNair Wilson once said “If you don’t do you, then you doesn’t get done…and Creation is incomplete”. Wise words from one of the most creative and inspiring people I’ve ever met! If you’re only going to visit one website this week (other than mine ofcourse :)) let it be his blog!

So my blogging friend, the next time you start to apologize for such a long post, a boring post, a silly or extremely serious post, whatever…think about this. If you have something to say, say it. Be real. Be kind. Be yourself – long, boring, silly, or serious. Be you – nobody else can or will be.

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O.K. It finally overtook me and I had to do something about it. I got on my high school website, I pulled out my old yearbooks and read all of the comments (which mostly said “Have a nice summer…see you next year), and even emailed my Science teacher, Mr. Kartman, to thank him for being a positive influence in my life. THEN, I got on the alumni website to see who was on there. I found two friends that I haven’t emailed yet, but I’m going to. Even if they don’t remember me very well, I am happy for the opportunity to thank them for their friendship during a very tumultuous (my big word for the day) time of my life. I am registered with Classmates.com but I’m not paying their fee so I can see details about my classmate’s lives. There is one name missing that I look for every time, but I’m not saying who it is. 😉 If anyone wants to find me, they can google me. Though that may be hard with just my maiden name.

I’m still in touch (sort of) with my two best friends from high school: Tim Ranis and Lyanna (Steers) Opitz. I met both of them my Freshmen year. Tim’s wife sends me updates on their family every year and I love her for it. I was in Andy and Lyanna’s wedding the year before Max was born. What an honor that was, since I am the one who introduced them. I have run into a few people from high school while visiting family in LaCrosse, but have been wondering how everyone else is doing now that we’re adults. I wish I could get a glimpse into the lives of those I’m curious about. It reminds me of watching 13 Going On 30, where Chris Grandy, the school hottie, grows up to be a sleazy cab driver. What did happen to Central High School’s hotties? What about the nerds, the drama queens, the jocks and cheerleaders, and the potheads? Have they all changed as much as I have? Did they all grow up and out of their reputations, expectations, and labels?

High School was the worst and best time of my life. The worst part was my family and my home life which went back and forth between being volatile and non-existent. I stayed away as much as I could – throwing myself into extra curricular activities as long as they didn’t cost money. I didn’t have any. I actually quit a sports team because I couldn’t afford the uniform and was too embarrassed to talk to the coach about it. That’s sad, because I was pretty good at it. I had a few classes I enjoyed, but I mostly blended in and slipped through the cracks because I was a “good” kid. Very few people knew how much of a mess I was because it wasn’t obvious. I didn’t do drugs, drink, smoke, or get in trouble with the law. The only clue was my promiscuity – I HAD to have a boyfriend or I felt worthless. That’s where Tim stepped in. No, he was never my boyfriend. He was the first boy to show an interest in anything other than my body. He taught me that I was worthy of respect and he expected me to act like it. Really! I had never had anyone call me out on how I dressed or acted with boys…especially a boy. Wow! It hurt at first, but I love him for it! After Benny met Tim, before he was married to his wife, Benny told me that if anything ever happened to him, he wanted me to marry Tim. LOL Yes, he’s that great a guy. Without Tim in my life, my high school experience would have turned out very differently and I would not have remained a virgin. He was that life changing for me.

The best times were spent with the Music and Drama Departments. I was in a quartet and we were GOOD! We sang all over town for different functions, made the newspaper, and won awards at singing competitions. That is how Lyanna and I became the best of friends. She was in it too. I also discovered CROSSFIRE, a Christian teen center downtown. I hung out there whenever it was open, and even volunteered time. It was through CROSSFIRE that I first experienced the power of the Holy Spirit. My life began changing. It was a very slow process, but it was a beginning.

I used to think it might be bad to look back – look what happened to Lot’s wife. 🙂 jk It’s not healthy to ALWAYS be looking back, but it’s good to do it every now and then. When I look back, it is glaringly obvious to me how far I’ve come. I can see where I was and how my path changed and when God grabbed hold of me. I’ve been clinging to Him since then. What a rocky path it has been, but I see the people He put there along the way. People who helped me in their own little ways to become the wife, mother, and friend that I am today. I wish I could show those people who didn’t believe in me how I’ve changed and what God has done in my life. I wish I could take back all of the dating and playing with fire (sexually) that I did. I wish I would have been a better witness – I was a horrible one. I gave new meaning to the term “missionary dating” – you know – when you date someone hoping to win them to Christ, then totally blow it by being such a bad witness that you’re a good example of a hippocrate. That was me. Here is a poem written in college by a girl I once knew…I once was. I’m not her anymore…

I’ve come so far, or so I feel,
I rose above my past.
I’ve climbed tall mountains of uncertainty,
and been over fences in search of greener grass.
I’ve changed a lot,
Yet I’m not the way I wish to be…
it haunts me still – my past.

I’m glad it doesn’t haunt me now…I became a new creation, and I’ve learned from it. I wrote another poem then too. I wrote:

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder…
Lord, tell me, who is my beholder?

That was all. It was a cry out to God. I shared it with Tim and he added to it. He wrote:

Jesus:
My precious, precious child,
I am your beholder,
and you are beautiful!

Everyone needs a friend like that!

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I have a few confessions to make. In my ongoing quest to be my true self I would like to divulge a few more secrets of Niki. (I’m a closet nerd.)

The first one is that I am a HUGE fan of the Disney channel original movie, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! We recorded it last week while Benny was gone, and we’ve watched it every day since then. After seeing it for the first time, I couldn’t get the songs out of my head. Neither could Max. There we were unloading the dishwasher singing a line from the song, “Breaking Free”. Even Petey kept saying, “Getcha head in the game”. My nostalgic self thought about my own days involved with the Drama Club in high school, although none of the guys were as cute as Zac Efron! (No offense) Well…maybe Scott Comin was. I liked it so much that I went to Borders and bought the soundtrack, which we’ve listened to twice already. Tonight was family movie night so guess what we made Benny watch? He said he was surprised how much he liked it since it was Disney,which he thinks sometimes is not always age-appropriate in their shows. He gave me a hard time asking why I was having the kids watch a high school drama. In my defense, there is no kissing, no cussing, and lots of good lessons were learned by all. The music and the dance sequences are fun and engaging. Yes, we’ll be buying it when it comes out on DVD.

I hate the word “anonymous”. Having an unknown or unacknowledged name to me is very pointless. I see it as a weak word. It’s crazy to me that people still want to remain anonymous in a world full of people who are longing to be known and heard. It seems to me it is the opposite of what I want – community and fellowship with others. It is used to be nasty and mean by people who don’t have the courage to say what they want to say and have it known it was them who said it. Even good anonymous is strange to me. I’ve actually been the recipient of some wonderful gifts by “anonymous” people, but I still don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you want someone to know that you’re blessing them? O.K. I understand there is a certain excitement involved when you can bless someone without their knowing it…so I take part of my comments back. I still don’t like the word. So there. Back to my nerdiness.

I am the proud owner of Galadriel’s ring of power. lol I received it as a Christmas gift from Angi who told me what a nerd I was for wanting one. It’s beautiful, but not really practical for everyday use. I’ll pull it out when I go to LOTR conventions…just kidding. If you’ve not heard, there is now a stage production of LOTR. It’s playing in Toronto but I’m not sure when it will come to the U.S. I found the website while looking for a good picture of my ring. If you are a LOTR fan, check out the stage production site. Personally, I don’t ever want to see anyone besides Orlando Bloom playing Legolas.

And that’s about all I have to share today. Back to normalcy tomorrow…well…as normal as I get anyway.

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I’ve already posted today, but I just got a phone call that made me want to post again!

My friend Tammy (not her real name) called to tell me that she got her GED and her CNA license last week! I’m so excited for her, and I’m picking her up at 5 to come over for a celebratory dinner. Tammy is one of our street friends, but I helped her check into a center a little over a month ago. Since then she’s been trying to make some changes in her life. I pick her up on Sunday mornings and she goes to church with us. She was a great help with the Spring Break groups that were here two weeks ago. She’s been working on her GED tests, and trying to get paperwork and everything in order to get her CNA license for Colorado. I helped her work out a step by step plan on paper and encouraged her to keep her eyes on her goals. I know she struggles with feeling unloved and unwanted, and I’ve prayed for God to use me to love her, yet help me to keep certain boundaries in place…like not doing everything for her. Last week at church she wrote me a beautiful note thanking me for my concern and love for her. And told me what a great mom I am. (Wiping tears from my eyes now)

God is so amazingly awesome! When you see some of the heartache that we encounter in the streetkids every week, stories of progress and success like Tammy’s are all the more sweet! Please pray for her to continue to move onward and upward as she tries to find a job in her chosen field. She has many obstacles yet to overcome, but she is on her way! YEAH!!! Gotta run…I have a cake to bake! 🙂

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