Sometimes I Write

My grandmother died on Thanksgiving morning. She had just had emergency open heart surgery a few days before, and she never recovered. She has been suffering through “this and that” since the day she was born, so I should be thankful that her days of pain have ended. My friend Kyle died in a terrible car accident on October 9th. He was in his twenties. He left behind his bride of three years, my dear friend Angi. Her physical wounds are healing, her heart will take a lot longer. Mike Yaconelli, a spiritual giant in my eyes, and the first man I ever met that I thought could completely relate to my husband, passed away suddenly one year ago this month. My friend and neighbor Diana committed suicide 2 years ago last week. She left behind an uncaring biological family, and my family who loved her dearly. I would like to play the martyr and say it hit me the hardest because I was the one that found her. The truth is I think it hit my son the hardest because he is so young and doesn’t yet have the concept of death down. Sure, he knows that he won’t ever see these people again, but he doesn’t understand why, or where they are now. It’s not easy trying to explain these things to a small child. At the very core, death is simple. We are born into this world, and for most of us we have no warning what day will be our last one on earth, we just know that day is coming. I think our society fears death and people tend to do whatever they can to try to cheat it, or atleast hold it off as long as possible. We even take it one step further and fear aging too. I may have had fears about how I will die, but I do not fear death itself. Having a husband and three small children, I think about what they would do without me should Jesus call me home tomorrow, or even today. I have to trust that they would be loved and cared for. So I try to love and care for others when they experience loss and heartache.

Hebrews 2: 14-15 tells us that Jesus shared in our humanity, that he died to destroy the one who holds the power of death-satan- and here’s the best part…verse 15 says, ” and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.” So, I have been set free, and if you believe in Jesus, so have you…

So where is my struggle in all of this? Things left unsaid and undone. I hadn’t seen my grandmother in a couple of years. I wish I could have told Kyle one more time that I was proud of the man he had become. I never got to know Mike well enough to be able to say, ” Mike Yaconelli? He’s a good friend of ours”. And Diana, I know I did everything I could to be Jesus’s hands and feet in her life. I have mourned deeply wondering if it was enough. I inherited her journal, so I know some of her demons, and I know how much she loved us. I’ve read how she cried out to God, and I have to believe that He knew her state of mind better than anyone. I also know He knows our every tear. What an amazing God we serve! Death is certain, so is God’s love, and so I spend my days growing into the woman God made me to be, loving and encouraging along the way, and someday someone will say of me…”Boy did she ever leave her mark upon the earth!”

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