To answer Char’s question…
1-2-3 Magic is a program that teaches effective discipline for children 2-12. The author is Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. and his program was the winner of the 1999 National Parenting Publications Gold Award. We first heard about it from a friend right after Max was born (in 1999 – ha). Our church put on the program for adults during our VBS the next summer. Our children have been raised using this discipline method, and I can tell you that for our family, and many others we know, it really works. I wanted to give you a brief description of the program, but for more information visit www.ThomasPhelan.com or check your local library and bookstores for his books and videos.
Here’s what you learn with 1-2-3 Magic:
How to get your kids to STOP doing what you don’t want them to do (arguing, whining, tantrums, sibling rivalry, etc.)
How to encourage your kids to START doing what you want them to do (cleaning rooms, going to bed, homework, etc.)
How to avoid the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome
How to handle misbehavior in public
How to deal with the Six kinds of Testing and Manipulation
Ten steps for building self-esteem
Teachers: How to maintain control in your classroom
We were impressed with the program when it worked with Max almost immediately. It has also been used successfully with learning disabled, attention deficit and emotionally disturbed children as well as the visually and hearing impaired. Here’s how it works…well…just the basics. I’ll use Max as my example. If Max is arguing with me, I would say, “Max,that’s one.” If he continues to argue or whine, I would say, “that’s two.” If he still won’t stop, I’d say, “that’s three – time out for arguing with me”. Or if the offense is really bad, he gets a spanking. At the 3rd opportunity to make the right choice, there is a consequence. My children rarely get to “3”, and we enjoy hearing from others that they are impressed that our children are so well-behaved.
Let me just say that this program works for OUR FAMILY. Although I would recommend it to everyone I know, I also know there are other discipline programs out there that work really well for other families. I believe the key to any discipline program is CONSISTENCY. What I like about 1-2-3 MAGIC is the simplicity of the program, and that it eliminates two things: too much talking, and too much emotion. Coming from an abusive situation myself, those two things are VERY important to me. It is when the emotions run high that parents fly out of control and go too far, moving from “discipline” to abuse. I know the destructiveness of this cycle and don’t want to EVER repeat history. When I learned this program, it brought me a lot of peace, especially when I saw it work with my child who could barely talk yet. The rules of No-talking and No-emotions really work, and now I don’t even have to be near Max to count him. Usually when he does something he knows he shouldn’t do, he’ll look at me to see if I’ve noticed. I look at him from across the room (say, at church) and hold up my index finger and he knows that he’s been counted to one. My darling daughter makes me count to two everytime. (I wonder where she gets that from??) Even Pete who is almost two years old, knows 1-2-3. There is no “magic” in the 1-2-3 MAGIC program, but it works.
The criticism I’ve heard from friends that use other forms of discipline is that children shouldn’t get two chances to be obedient. Benny and I see it as giving them the opportunity to make the right choice, even if it takes more than one try. (It takes us more than one try sometimes, doesn’t it?) Ofcourse there are offenses that make us skip over the 1 & 2 and go straight to the consequence. But it’s rare at our house. I wouldn’t dream of telling someone that their discipline style was inferior to mine, like a lady at one of the churches we attended told me. I was counting Max one day at church and she verbally attacked me and told me how he would take advantage of having more than one chance to correct his behavior, then told me all about what she uses and why it is better than 1-2-3. I felt like she was trying to put me in my place in front of another friend, and I was furious. A few weeks later we found a book on her chosen discipline style on Benny’s desk in his office. Coincidence? Doubt it. We left it there when we moved. 🙂 Find what works for you and your family, and keep yourself from criticizing what may work for someone else. We parents need all the encouragement we can get.
Dr. Phelan has written several books. I am only familiar with the first three. Here they are:
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behavior, Independence and Self-Esteem
“I Never Get Anything!” How to keep Your Kids From Running Your Life
Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go of Your 13-18 Year Olds
Self-Esteem Revolutions in Children: Understanding and Managing the Critical Transitions in Your Child’s Life
All About Attention Deficit Disorder: Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment
