Sometimes I Write

When I was in middle school I started a notebook with all of my favorite song lyrics in it. We only had records and cassette tapes at the time, so I’d have to play, listen, pause, write, then repeat until I had the whole song written out. I was obsessed. I wanted so badly to be a songwriter so I became a poet. I was the proud author of many cheesy, bad, but rhyming poems. They were mostly about boys (ofcourse) and life in a dysfunctional home. There were a few times I wrote something good, but then I couldn’t put music to it. I could write, and I could sing, but the two just wouldn’t join together into beautiful melodies that people would want to pay to listen to. I couldn’t understand how music could be so important to me yet God wouldn’t make me a star. 🙂

Many years have passed and I still can’t seem to marry the two talents. The difference is that I no longer feel the need to. I can sing almost anything, and I still love to write, but I don’t have to be able to do them both at the same time. I know the talents God has given me, and though I won’t be winning a Grammy anytime soon, God has blessed my music just the same. I learned a painful lesson in college – Any noise that comes out of our mouths in praise to the Lord is a joyful one to Him. Perfect pitch and being able to harmonize are great, but God doesn’t care as long as I’m giving HIM my best.

God continues to use music to speak to me, and it is my favorite way to speak to Him. Have you ever heard a song and been so choked up by the words or the flow of the music that you had to stop what you were doing just to regain your composure? That happens to me all the time. Because I have a musical heart, that is how I most easily hear God speak to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a struggle in my life and then I hear a song that “seems” to be my answer for what I should do next, or just one that says how much He adores me even when ugly sin has won again. He wants to rescue me and save me from Satan, and even from myself. He never gives up on me. Then there are the songs that kick me in the butt just when I need it and I’m shocked at how blatant the message is. I know God meant for me to hear it, and those stop me in my tracks too. Sometimes I struggle against what He’s trying to tell me, and sometimes I fall down with a repentant heart. He knows I’m listening.

A few days ago one of “those” songs came on the radio while I was driving. I probably should have pulled over because I was in tears in about 2 seconds flat. It was a Holy Spirit moment and once again I thanked God for speaking to me through such talented women. I wish you were here with me so I could sing it to you. I learned all of the words today after I bought the CD. Maybe I need to start another notebook of my favorite lyrics…

I Need You To Love Me
By Barlow Girl

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You

Chorus
But I need You to love me, and I
I won’t keep my heart from You this time
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
‘Cause You’re a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

When you have a newborn baby, functioning with a lack of sleep is the most difficult part of your day, which is ofcourse ALL day…and night. When the baby becomes mobile you sleep a little more, but expend much energy on babyproofing, correcting, leading, and guiding the little guy. When they reach toddlerhood, they wear you out with endless questions, testing of boundaries, and ofcourse potty training. Then baby #2 comes along and you begin the process all over again until baby #3 arrives 14 months later. O.K., so this is MY story. At the rate we were going I think if we had gotten pregnant again, Pete and baby #4 would have been like 10 months apart or something like that. I have to say that at this point of my life, I’m thankful baby #4 is probably going to be approaching toddlerhood by the time she becomes a Nowell. My kids are wearing me out. I love them anyway, but I am tired!

We are trying to adjust to a new family schedule and so far, I’m losing. Our mornings are filled to the brim with activities and I have to remind myself that I CHOSE this. I am the one that sets the schedule. The schedule is fine, it’s the adjusting to it that’s the hard part. Getting into a routine always is. Mornings are chiropractor appointments, staff meetings, BSF, going to the gym 3x/week, and homeschooling. (Not all on the same day!) That leaves afternoons to fit in naps, finishing up school, housecleaning, computer work (and play), fieldtrips, doctor appointments, reading, etc. Then Benny comes home and we hang out at night. No, not just lazing around, but grocery shopping, family projects, entertaining friends over dinner, and sometimes watching movies. How does anyone have time to watch T.V.??? Thank God for the DVR so we can see our shows on the weekends. Have I mentioned that I’m tired? We need a few nights of just lazing around!

Our workouts are going great. I’m sore, but it’s a good sore. I’m becoming acquainted with muscles I forgot I had. They’ve been buried since the day I quit playing sports in college and started packing on the pounds. Three children have contributed to the fluff, and they’ve had a nice soft mommy to snuggle with until now. After only a few weeks of the gym, my legs are getting rock hard again, and I’m shedding the fluff. I have calf muscles most men would kill for so I’m concerned about them getting any bigger, but with Benny as my coach, I’m not too worried. He’s been doing this longer than I have and he knows what he’s doing. My one whining complaint is this: IT’S NOT FAIR THAT MEN LOSE WEIGHT FASTER THAN WOMEN!!! There, now that I got that off my chest…I lost 9 pounds in January. Benny lost A LOT more. I really need to quit comparing myself with him cause I’m never going to lose faster than him with us both working out. 🙂

I’m happy that our family has made so many positive changes since moving to Denver. We are all getting healthier and stronger, and learning a lot about ourselves and each other. God is working miracles in our lives. I’m decluttering like a mad woman and the extra room we have is filled with peace. I love it! It’s hard to give away and throw out “stuff” that I’ve been clinging to for years. I’ve been very convicted about not storing up my treasures here on earth, though I know there is nothing wrong with having stuff. It’s when that stuff begins to rob me of my joy because I’m too busy cleaning it, shuffling it, and daydreaming about the day I can trade it all in for new stuff that it becomes a problem. It’s kind of nice to reach the breaking point and move on. I’ve shed atleast a quarter of our stuff and it feels GREAT! And guess what? Nobody misses it! Go figure. I’m tired of living in the “but I may need this someday and I don’t want to waste the money buying it again” stage.

Our lives fill up so quickly and busyness becomes the norm. I hate that. Newborn busyness is hard, so is 3 kids while homeschooling and balancing the rest of our lives busyness. It’s a good thing I’m not alone in this craziness.

Wow! Talk about boring blogs Adam…you just sat through more ramblings than I intended. It’s a good thing I only post about 1/2 % of what actually goes through my head. I’ll try again later…

Yesterday was payday, that alone is reason enough to celebrate, don’t you think? 🙂

Pete went back to Dr. Brian on Tuesday to be retested for his food allergies. ALL but 2 have cleared up! YEAH! He is still testing sensitive to all dairy and nuts. Sensitive…that’s putting it mildly! We had him desensitized again and we go back on Valentine’s Day to be retested. I say we, because I also tested sensitive to nuts. I’m not the patient, but Dr. Brian tested me anyway. That man is amazing, and generous, and friendly, and godly, and well – he’s a great guy! I am so thankful to have come this far in just a year. Pete is a different child when he’s healthy. He’s energetic, and happy, and funny!

We were shopping lastnight and Max was tagging along with me. I saw a great tunic style shirt that was green with some scrollwork on it. I said, “Max, don’t you think this is cute? Wouldn’t this look good on mommy?” He rolled his eyes at me and said, “It looks like lettuce!”

Benny and I were talking about how lucky one of my friends is because her sister is her dentist. Benny yelled to Max, “Hey Max, do you want to be a dentist?” Just then Zoe came into the room. “Zoe, how would you like to be a dentist? Or how about a surgeon? You could cut people open and fix their guts and stuff”. She made a yucky face and said, “Yeeew!” Pete chimed in, “Me too, doctor me” which translates that he wants to be a doctor too. So I asked Zoe what she wants to be when she grows up. She smiled really big and said, “A puppy”.

Benny and I have been working out at the gym 3 days a week. There is this lady there that looks like she gets her hair done right before she comes to work out. Here I am looking somewhat more like Helga the Soviet weight lifter than work-out Barbie, and she has her hair done up all cute and she’s not sweating. Why else would you go to the gym but to sweat? I’m jealous ofcourse. I can’t wait until the day I have a great body and can just go to the gym to lift a few weights – enough to have a glistening face but not enough to smear my perfect make-up. Yeah, and I have this great little piece of ocean front property…oh never mind.

On the way to Dr. Zack’s this morning I heard a song on the radio by Relient K. I love them! The words are still ringing in my ears…Stop right there – that’s exactly where I lost it, See that line? Well I never should have crossed it. Stop right there – well I never should have said that – it’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back…who I am hates who I’ve been…who I am hates who I’ve been. I was singing and Pete was bobbing his head to the beat. It made me think about how I’m influencing my kids in the music department. I grew up listening to my mom’s favorite bands – The Beatles, Elvis, The Beach boys, Bobby Vinton, The Mama’s and the Papa’s, and my all-time favorite, Simon & Garfunkel. As a child I could sing most of their songs to you. When they aren’t thinking about it, you can overhear my kids singing Switchfoot, Barlow Girl, Third Day, DC Talk, The Newsboys, and many other bands Benny and I listen to. When we get in the van, Pete usually says, “KJ-52?” Benny teases me and says that I grew up on hippie music. I wonder what my children’s spouses will think of their musical influences. Benny likes to tease Angi about growing up with The Gaither’s. LOL (Now she’s going to kill me for writing that.) Who were your musical influences?

To the outside world the skull and crossbones is a symbol for poison…something dangerous…something to be avoided. For those who know the Dry Bones story, it is a symbol of hope…of safety…of trust. When we wear our black t-shirts with the white DB symbol, we get strange and even weary looks by people who don’t know. When the streetkids see us wearing our shirts and hoodies, they see someone they can trust…someone who cares about them. It’s amazing to me how one little symbol can have such different meanings for the people viewing it. Our logo to some people is a symbol of death, yet we know that it’s truly a symbol of life.

The cross has had similar reactions. To some it is a sign of a person who has made a commitment to Christ and yet to others, it is a sign to be avoided. During the 60’s and 70’s the big thing was to wear the peace symbol – an upside down broken cross. I know Christians who are offended by this because they know that the cross was a necessary part of our salvation. They find deep symbolism in the cross, and proudly display it in their homes and around their necks. To some it is a symbol of death, yet we know that it’s truly a symbol of life.

Saturday was our Dry Bones 101, a volunteer training day. We took a turf tour with the group and Robbie showed us many places where the street kids sleep and where they go to do their drugs. He challenged us to view our surroundings with new eyes. For instance, while walking on the river walk beside Cherry Creek, we could plainly see how the city has made it uncomfortable for people to find shelter under the bridges. Instead of grass on either side of the path there are rocks, sharp side up, cemented in. They have built barriers up high so the homeless can’t climb up under the bridges to sleep. They tried to make some of them look like they are necessary for the bridge’s structure, but if you look closely, they aren’t touching the bridge in any weight bearing way. The trees on the sides of the bridges where kids used to camp out have been trimmed so the street kids can’t hide or find shelter there. Looming over the river walk are half million dollar condos. Do they know who is trying to find shelter just feet below them? Do the business people who walk the river walk during their lunch breaks know that the tunnel they pass over everyday houses used needles and empty heroin bags, and sometimes sleeping people trying to escape life?

As we were checking out one of the squats under a particular bridge today, I spied some graffiti on the wall. Someone had painted the words, “Out of Sight Out of Mind?” I thought it was pretty profound and I said a quick prayer. “Jesus, don’t let these kids be that.” Benny was at the back of the group and saw it too so he took a picture of it. We had a unique perspective on things today because Cheeto and Bob were with us. They are former street kids – some of the “success stories” we get to share with our supporters. But to us, they are our friends, and now volunteers and ministers of Dry Bones. We walked past the places these guys used to sleep at night, and Cheeto showed us the place on the Platte River where he was baptized on October 7th, 2004, the same place he was thrown into the river as part of his initiation into the streetlife just a few years before. He spouted off the date like someone would tell you when their birthday is. They were asked lots of questions and I was proud of the confidence in their answers. It was obvious that the life they used to lead is definitely in the past. God gave flesh to their bones and breathed His life into them. They are both great guys and I ask that you continue praying for them and all of our friends that have found new life off the streets.

It was an amazing and exhausting day. I wish I could convey to you all that I have learned since becoming a part of this ministry. I’m not even on the streets 4 days a week like Benny and the rest of the team are. I have learned so much about myself and the plans God has for me. I have learned to look at the streetkids as the lost treasures that they are. I look at all homeless people with new eyes, wondering what their story might be instead of jumping to my own conclusions. I have learned more ways that my husband is amazing as I watch him deal with our team and the kids we work with. I am learning how much I don’t know and how much I have to learn.

For more information or to learn how you can help the Dry Bones Ministry, check out our website at www.drybonesdenver.org

I didn’t even get dressed today. My pajamas are way cute, but I’m so glad that noone came to the door before Benny got home tonight. It’s 8:50 p.m. and I’ve been blogging for two hours. I just spent a week with a sick family including myself. I’m thankful my 6 year old never got “it”. My 2 year old still isn’t back to normal. My body aches from my workout lastnight, but it’s a good ache I guess. I can deadlift 225 lbs. (Thank you very much!)

I had a crappy day. My kids didn’t listen to me. I yelled too much. I got the house cleaned but you’d never know it now. I had a plan and didn’t even begin to follow it. My inlaws are coming this weekend and I’m nervous about their reaction to my tattoo. Me, bold, brazen Niki who isn’t afraid of anyone. They have NEVER acknowledged Benny’s, so I know it’s an issue. The only problem is that I’m not quite past the scabby stage yet and can’t wear socks until I am – so there’s no hiding it. I love it, but I know they aren’t comfortable with things like that. I guess I just won’t mention it and leave it at that. I know they won’t mention it so I’m probably worrying for nothing.

I hate being in a funk. I thought about some tough things in my life today and it brought back some hard memories for me. I’m fine, I’m just having one of those emotional rollercoaster kind of days. For the first time ever, reading other people’s blogs hasn’t lifted my spirits. The tragedy and sadness I read about makes me even sadder. I’m still thankful for those bloggers though. They have hearts of gold!

O.K. To battle the funk, here are 5 things I’m thankful for:

1. Benny loves me!

2. I’m physically stronger than I thought I was.

3. Even on my funky days like today, I know God loves me and so do my kids even though I sometimes yell.

4. I’ve lost 6 lbs. in 3 weeks. Not bad!

5. My brother just called and I told him about the inlaw thing. He reminded me that I’m a grown up now and responsible for my own decisions. He also reminded me that Benny got his ears pierced and his parents are going to be too busy staring at his ears to notice my tattoo. LOL Thank God for brothers! 😉