Sometimes I Write

O.K. folks. Here it is. I have a million other things I want to blog about and I don’t want to turn this into “the sex blog”. Although I admit I am tempted to start a whole new blog about the subject. Christians aren’t talking about it enough and we’re all wondering how to talk about it without being “dirty”. I have tons more to say on the subject and can’t seem to get away from it since I’m surrounded with people with questions and they’re too shy or afraid of what people might think if they check out a library book or buy books on the subject. I’ll have to think about that some more…I have a hard time keeping up with the two blogs I already have! (Or so the people emailing me are saying) 😉

Sex is such a complicated and broad topic. There is so much to discuss. I’ve been discouraged that it doesn’t seem to be discussed in Christian circles much, leaving people to find information on their own – sometimes in less than honorable ways. We can learn from each other! There are great resources out there and then there are those that are a waste of time and money. Why aren’t we sharing this info. with each other and helping each other in our marriages by talking about sex that is God honoring and God-given? Life does not revolve around sex, but God did create us to bring sexual pleasure to each other in marriage. To ignore that fact is to miss out on one of the greatest gifts He has given us. I’ve been exchanging emails with someone who has asked me some tough questions and made me look deeply for the answers. You may or may not agree with my answers, but have you been honest with yourself and atleast asked the tough questions?

I’ve been promising a resource list related to the topics already discussed here. This is not an exhaustive list on all the greatest books and websites out there, and I have not personally read them all. A few friends have sent me suggestions on what to include and I trust their judgment. Any feedback to this would be great!

On the topic of Purity:

Gift-Wrapped By God By Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus
And the Bride Wore White:7 Secrets to Sexual Purity By Dannah Gresh
Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry By Lisa Bevere
Passion & Purity by Elizabeth Eliot
Not Even a Hint: Guarding your Heart Against Lust By Joshua Harris
*Every Man’s Battle By Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
(also available for teens – Every Young Man’s Battle and for single adults- Every Single Man’s Battle)
*Every Woman’s Battle By Shannon Etheridge
(also available for teens and singles – see titles for men – you get the idea)

* I was so impressed with the honesty and integrity with which these books were written that I would recommend anything in the “Every Man/Every Woman” series. Check them out! Please! Some additional titles are: Every Man’s Marriage, Every Heart Restored, Every Soldier’s Battle, Being God’s Man In…series) I believe there are accompanying workbooks for them all. Check them out at www.newlife.com.

On Being Pro-active in Raising Healthy/Sexually Healthy kids:

Reviving Ophelia – Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls By Mary Pipher, PH.D.
Bringing Up Boys by James Dobson

There are way too many parenting books and magazines to mention here, but I do like Christian Parenting Magazine and the stuff that Heritage Builders puts out. I also like the MOMsense stuff by the MOPS group. I have a few minor issues with Focus on the Family, but I love their “Focus On Your Child” stuff. I get minizines in the mail every month. “Early Stages” – Ages 0-3, and “Discovery Years” Ages 4-7.

On Porn:

For the millionth time – check out XXXchurch! They have a ton of resources linked to their site. It’s REALLY good stuff! I recommend their FREE accountability software. My husband and I use this. This blog has raised flags the past month! 😉

Another friend mentioned “Covenant Eyes” another great accountability software…but it’s not free.

A friend of a friend spent a week or two in June blogging about his own struggle through porn. Read his posts at www.tacodave.blogspot.com You’ll have to click on his June Archives. If you thought I was honest and straight forward, wait until you read Dustin’s suff. Mad props to you Dustin!

On Sex in Marriage:

The Every Man/Woman series mentioned above is worth mentioning again!
Intimate Issues : 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex By Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus
(This is one dynamic duo! What a great and enlightening read!!)
Intimate Allies By Allender and Longman
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom By John Gray
Intended for Pleasure By Wheat & Wheat
Marriage Partnership Magazine

My current favorite resources for women dealing with Sexual Healing:

Captivating By John & Staci Eldredge
(I’m reading this with friends right now for the 2nd time. This book is not written for finding sexual healing as much as it is healing of the heart in general. I recommend it to men as well – along with Wild At Heart by the same authors, who are also friends of a friend.)

Redeeming Love By Francine Rivers (This is fiction, but completely wonderful!!)

There you have it. I’m spent and moving on to some surface topics for awhile, like catching you up on what else is going on in my life besides sex talk. But, I have a feeling this topic will resurface again soon.

Take a few minutes to go over to the Dry Bones Blog and read my friend Matt’s story titled, “Guess Who’s Pregnant?” It will give you a glimpse into one aspect of streetlife and the consequences/blessings that come with sex.

We all face temptations in our lives. It’s very possible there are those out there who have never been faced with strong sexual temptation. If so, email me so I know one. I’ve been thinking about this post in particular since the beginning of this sex talk. I want to have and demonstrate integrity with my friendships, so I share mostly from my own experiences.

When Benny and I started dating, my temptation to get bored and move on to another boy ended. I would no longer see a guy that was cute and think, ” I wonder what it would be like to be his girlfriend…I wonder if he’s a good kisser..etc.” Because that happened often in high school (not so much in college) I almost expected it, and when it didn’t happen, I thought that was my sign that Benny was the man for me. Still, I kept waiting for the old feelings of temptation to come. It wasn’t constant or anything, but now and then I’d think, “Wow! It’s gone. I’m free.” I know the verse in 1 Corinthians well, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” I was so sure that I never would. I was a Christian after all! I wore the big “C” on my chest proudly, owned a big pink Bible and a good highlighter, and I could quote scripture fairly well. Putting it into practice was my challenge – not that I spent a lot of time dwelling on that. I didn’t see that shortly after we married, we began getting careless in tending our little “love garden”.

We moved to a new state where we didn’t have any friends. Benny worked nights and I worked days. Our financial lives were a mess before we got married and just worsened when we combined our financial ignorance. We got depressed. We fought. We threatened divorce and brick by brick began building a wall between us. My job was stressful and what made things worse was it was intertwined with our church. The things that should have been binding us together were tearing us apart. Our views of sex were so skewed, and I had begun adding more weight to the extra pounds I had already gained from my absence from sports and the loss of my virginity. We were spiraling out of control and like many disillusioned young women, I began to think I had made a mistake and married the wrong person. Surely God wanted more for my life than what Benny and I were stepping in.

Enter Satan…and Matt.
Matt was one of my boyfriends in high school. We lived a few hours away from each other, so we were “dating” as well as two 16 year-olds could long distance – lots of hours on the phone. No physical contact other than the day we met on a greyhound bus. I was traveling to a youth rally across the state. We met and “fell in love” in a matter of 3 hours. Over the next few years of my life, Matt was my lifeline to reality from the hell I was living in. We talked about everything and though he wasn’t much of a believer, I was sure I could convert him. (I don’t recommend missionary dating – it’s a farce.) When I finally got to college I sort of left Matt behind. The distance was enormous and I was meeting all of these cute college guys. But somehow Matt always seemed to pop back into my life when I most needed him. My mom was hospitalized and we thought she was going to die…Matt called. My boyfriend in college decided we should “just be friends”…Matt called. The night I lost my virginity and was an emotional train wreck, Matt called. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

I should have seen it coming. I would never cheat. I know firsthand the consequences of straying and divorce and I was never going to join that little group of statistics. Matt cared about me. He would never try to break up my marriage! That’s ridiculous! Well, as my nights were long and Benny was absent, I got lonely and bored. He was so distant and he wasn’t meeting my needs. I was ripe for the picking. Matt popped back into my life once again. My former-debate-star-boyfriend was just finishing up law school and about to get married. Seems harmless enough. We began having long phone conversations comparing our significant others and their charms and quirks. It was so gradual that I was blinded to what was coming. Our conversations took on an intimate tone as we revisited the old days. One day he told me he wanted to come and get me and bring me back to his state and make me his wife. All I had to do was say the word and he would completely change his future plans for me. Satan knew EXACTLY what to say to me and he used Matt to do it. Matt’s family was wealthy and I grew up without money…he offered me the world, telling me I would never want for anything again. (Benny and I were suffocating in our debt.) He lovingly told me that if my husband loved me_______. You fill in the blank, he probably said it. He made me feel wanted and sought after – something EVERY woman needs to feel. I had never felt so tempted in all of my life. The battle within me was raging! What should I do? I was tired of fighting. I wanted an easy life.

Twelve years later I am happily married…to Benny…the man I always wanted and needed. During my brief emotional affair, I was completely blind to my part of our struggles and blamed them all on him. I decided that since he wasn’t meeting my needs, I wouldn’t bother trying to meet his. I am incredibly grateful that I made the right choice and ended the affair though it was painful to do so since I was in deep. I am even more grateful that Matt and I were never sexually (physically) involved…though Satan arranged for that too. Don’t think for a second that just because we didn’t consummate the affair we didn’t do anything wrong. I had promised my heart to Benny and had carelessly given it away once again…old habits die hard. The affair ended as it had begun-with a phone call. I thanked him for being there for me during the most difficult moments of my life, then told him that I never wanted to speak to him again. I told him even though I loved him, I was ashamed that I had so easily given up on my marriage and that I knew deep down that Benny and I could fix things. I told him that I needed to be right with God and my husband and I couldn’t do that while I had any contact with him. What he said back to me doesn’t matter anymore. I asked him not to call me again…which he didn’t honor. I refused contact and gradually released the feelings I had developed for Matt. It was HARD!

James describes the progression of sin that we fall into. He says, “Temptation comes from the lure of our own evil desires. These evil desire lead to evil actions, and evil actions lead to death. So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters”. (James 1:14-16, NLT)

I just gave you a word picture and put a face on a particular sin. I thought I was standing strong and I would not have fallen in a full frontal attack. I believed I was prepared. Satan knew the frontal attack approach wouldn’t work so he found the chink in my armor and struck me there…hard…and I fell. It was a long, painful, dirty battle, but I survived, my marriage survived, and I am restored and redeemed.

So why share all of this with you? I didn’t set out to have a series of posts about sex. It just happened and I have been feeling God pushing me along through the hard stuff. God has blessed it, and blessed people because of it. God is so good. I have received some great feedback which is nice. But more important than the “atta girl” emails and comments are the ones that expressed their own struggles with sexual sin and the gratefulness for God’s mercy on them. Christians aren’t perfect. I’ve never met one who thought they were. Most of us are too hard on ourselves and all of us are prone to sin.

When I look back over that horrible time, I can clearly see when God gave me ways of escape and I chose to ignore Him. My desires were stronger than my faith, and faith wasn’t truly my desire. Once again I want to warn about guarding your heart. It has a mind of its own sometimes and the great tempter loves that. I have firm boundaries in place now that I know that I’m not above temptation. That was quite a revelation for me. Silly, huh? So what do you think so far? Can you relate? Did you think you were above temptation too? Are you recovering from a painful past? If you have, have you used it to try to help someone else avoid your mistakes? Are you plagued by fear and the knowledge that someone may find out your little secret and harshly judge you or deem you unfit to lead? I’m no longer plagued by fear, but I have friends who are.

If you’ve known me for a long time and are just hearing these things for the first time, you’re probably shocked. I was discussing this post with a friend from camp this week and she had no idea. She was a former youth group member of ours. She said she had never suspected anything because Benny and I have such a strong marriage now. Friends, that’s another one of my points. God can bring healing and restoration to your marriage after an affair. It’s possible. We do have a strong marriage, but we had to work hard for it. I am so glad we did! It is my hope that my testimony will help or challenge someone else. I’m not ashamed to share it anymore.

I’m still putting together a resource list and will post it soon. Let me know of any you’d recommend.

Sex is good, and fun. Sex is to be a PRIVATE thing between two MARRIED people – no less, no more. Somehow I got the message growing up that sex was dirty, and that it was something women did because they had to, and sometimes men would take it by force. But I also learned that sex was what you did with a man you had feelings for to show him you loved him, and that sex can be a weapon used to get what you want. Of course a lot of my information came from women who were watching out for me because of their own horribly abusive pasts. This got even more confusing for me when I did start experimenting with boyfriends and found that I liked what I was feeling, so how could it be a bad thing? That must mean that I am bad. I am dirty. There is something wrong with me. I’d tease boyfriends though I didn’t know it was teasing. One minute I’d want to play and the next I was overcome with guilt and felt ugly and ashamed. (There wasn’t much difference from the Christian boys I dated and the ones who weren’t.) This line of thinking got me into trouble and sunk me into depression more than once. It ruined every relationship I had up to Benny and almost ruined my marriage. We’ve been together 14 years, but it almost didn’t last past 3.

I didn’t know how to go from being told my whole life that sex was bad to thinking it was good and fun and SHOULD be with my husband. That’s messed up. Sure we talked about sex stuff in pre-marital counseling, but we lied. I wasn’t comfortable enough to talk about it then and sort of thought it would fix itself after we were married. Oh boy. Was I wrong! So what happened? How did I miss that sex is not only a good thing but it is meant to be enjoyable and provide a deeper connection to your mate? Why didn’t someone explain to me the whole “two shall become one” thing?

One of my favorite magazines is Marriage Partnership. It arrives quarterly and ALWAYS has at least one article that has to do with sex. Over my short break from this blog I went back and read the last 4 or 5 issues and was relieved (again) that I’m not the only one who has struggled with some of this stuff. One article interestingly pointed out that God intended for us to find pleasure with our mates and even went as far to explain that a penis has more than one function, but a clitoris has only one – to bring pleasure to a woman. I NEVER thought of that before. After re-reading Song of Solomon, it makes perfect sense. BTW, The first time I read that book, I was sitting in church bored out of my mind. I had a hard time stifling my giggles and my shock at something so “dirty” being in the Bible. That’s a 12-year-old girl for you! I always wondered why I had verses quoted at me all the time…and mused that none came from that book. I didn’t think any of the people in my church had read it, or they would lighten up on the whole “sexual urges are from the devil” speeches. I always wondered why God would want that book mixed in with His other Holy stuff. Thanks to other writers who have broached the topic and a Joe Beam seminar on Love, Sex, and Marriage, I’m a little wiser and a lot more comfortable talking about it. I’ve also found healing from some wonderful resources, which I’ll list in a future post.

Like every other good thing in life, satan has done his best to distort sex. He found a way to take something beautiful and precious and turn it into something cheap and sleazy. I know far too many women who can’t/won’t talk about it because of shame, abuse, fear of looking stupid or naive, among other reasons. One of the other ways satan has distorted this gift from God is by convincing thousands of believers that porn is o.k. if it is viewed with your mate. WHAT??? I will go toe to toe with anyone who would argue for that case. Porn is NEVER o.k. It too is a distortion of what God intended. This applies to singles as well. Any form of porn will lead you down a path you don’t want to go…whether it be pictures, videos, or the hot and steamy love scenes in romance novels. Yeah, I have a problem with those too. It’s soft porn and takes your mind to places that aren’t pleasing to God.

I know a man who is a fill-in minister and he thinks there is nothing wrong with looking as long as he doesn’t act on it. I’m telling you, this destructive path has ended ministry careers of a few friends of mine. It has also ended marriages of people close to me. If you are a believer, you are a target and not immune from this issue. See it for what it really is, and turn away from it. If you love someone who struggles with sexual sin, love and pray them through it and help them find the help they need if they are willing. It’s not always that easy though, is it?

I’ve mentioned XXXchurch on my blog before. They call themselves the #1 Christian porn site and that offends a lot of people. (I’m not one of them.) Their mission is to unveil the deception and pain that porn plays in a lot of lives of men and women alike. They offer a free internet accountability service to anyone who is interested. It’s an accountability report that you can sign up for and once a month you and 1 or more of your accountability partners (that you choose) receives an email listing of all the sites visited from your computer. Even blogs show up as questionable sites, especially blogs like mine with post titles like “Sex, Sex, Sex”. (HaHa) The two guys who started this ministry are Craig Gross and Mike Foster. Their documentary is called, “Missionary Positions” and says on the cover, “Doing the work of the Lord isn’t always easy…But their faith is hardcore!” These guys have been through a lot on their mission to help and bring healing to the masses that are gripped by this “porno plague”. They are funny and witty, and determined to follow God’s call for them in this ministry. They get hate mail from people in the porn industry as well as Christians. They have been spit at and called horrible names by Christian protestors at a porn festival. That makes me as angry as the time I passed by a church and saw people (including children) holding picket signs that said, “God hates Fags”. They have a t-shirt that says, “Jesus Loves Porn Stars”. If you think about it, He does. He died for them too. They are not beyond His reach. They are no more sinful than we (long-time believers) are, we just don’t like to think about it that way with our “sin hierarchy”. I hope you’ll check out their website and pray for them as they stand in the gap for people who struggle with sexual sin.

Next post: Temptation – My story

My blogroll that is. Weird!

Just a note to say I’m the newest member of our worship team! Yeah! I’m so excited and I really enjoyed practicing last night. My first Sunday singing will be the day after I get back from Camp Zenith. I can’t wait!