Sometimes I Write

It’s been a bit of a stressful week here with SEVENS. I think I just need some prayers for courage and strengthening of my faith. I’m posting a copy of the email we sent out to our prayer team last night. Benny is so sweet to include prayers for me, especially when I’m sitting here worrying about HIM. 😉 He worked hard to finish up our website over the last couple of weeks and we just discovered that all of the work he did, didn’t publish. He’s off at a coffee shop working on it today since we have dial-up internet here at home. I’m having a hard time being thankful for it and I’m seriously coveting high speed! 😉 Anyway, here’s the email:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!

We are in a bit of a crisis tonight. Our support, for the first time in almost 2 years is short. One of our supporters is unsure if he is going to continue supporting us. I’m not sure why. Today was the first time I heard about this and it puts us $1000 short. Plus we’ve had some other supporters not able to give this month for various reasons. So we are in a tough spot.
Satan is taking every opportunity to use this. My gut reaction is panic and a little despair. I know that is from the enemy and not from God. I know that God is faithful and will come through. I still struggle with what is my part to do?? But at the same time I want to live my life in a way that screams, “I trust God!”
So I need from you:

1. Pray for a sense of God’s peace for me and my family. Also pray a special prayer for Niki. This kind of uncertainty rocks her sense of security. “Lord help us to know in our heads, hearts, and actions that you will come through. Help us to live like we are convinced that you will care for us.”
2. Pray that God will give us additional support to make up the shortage for this month.

I found myself worrying out loud to a friend yesterday and when I got home I felt so stupid. That friend has been living in a similar situation for nearly 6 years. 6 years!!! And here I am facing our first month that short of a miracle, we will not be able to pay all of our bills, and I’m feeling panicky. Yikes! Where is my faith? God moved us to do this and I know he won’t let us starve, but I don’t want to skip any bills this month. I grew up like that and carried that habit into our marriage. We have been working hard to be on top of that for a long time now, so the possibility of facing that again is disheartening.

Maybe I shouldn’t have typed this until God had calmed my heart. The people that doubted we could or should do this are appearing in my mind. It’s time to get off the computer and spend some time with the only one who can totally calm my fears. Thank you for reading here and thank you for your support and prayers! I’ll give you an update as soon as I can.

Some days on my “Yes” path to God I literally feel lost. I am trying to do my best to keep the faith and encourage those around me to do so as well. I know there are days when I am a poor example to those around me, and I fall short of God’s plan for me. It’s those days I try to cling to his grace and mercy and love. When was the last time you felt yourself clinging? It doesn’t sound like fun, does it? It’s not. It stinks.

Today I find myself clinging. I have had some pretty emotional dreams the last few nights and I have found myself asking, “God is this from you? Are you trying to tell me something? Or is this the enemy? Is he the one twisting and disturbing my sleep?” I’ve been dreaming so vividly, in color, and not only remembering my dream when I wake up, but still dealing with the emotions that accompany the dreams hours after my day has begun. I’ve been awake now for about 7 hours and my emotions are effecting everything I do, everything I say, and everything I touch.

I got my feelings hurt at church this morning and tried to pass it off as part of this dream/emotion stuff. The more I talked it through with Benny the more clear it became that it was something separate and I needed to talk to my friend about it, which I’m going to do in a little while. I mentioned to another friend that my emotions were bubbling just below the surface today and said (and I can’t believe I said this) that I didn’t even have my period – like that is the only time I get emotional about anything. Yeah…Right! She laughed and asked if I could be pregnant and I gave her my old line about that being next to impossible and that there had better be a star over Bethlehem if I ever get that news.

Back to the dream stuff. I once had a dream that Benny did something (don’t remember what now) and he made me so mad that I punched him in the jaw…in my sleep. Really. I’ve also had dreams that I was so mad and frustrated with him that I couldn’t look at him or talk to him when I woke up – and he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Poor guy. 😉 Then there are the dreams about something horrible happening to my children and I can’t save them. When that happens I have to get out of bed and walk down to their rooms to check on them and make sure they’re still breathing. That was the night before last. My dreams lastnight were different than that.

If I chose to, I could still recall to you very vivid details about my dreams. In this case, I think God has given me the ability to interpret what happened, where, and why. Now I just have to deal with the emotions that go along with that and I’m asking how and when. Is it coincidence that we’re working on that right now in Max’s Reading lessons? (What, where, when, why, and how) How do you deal with an emotion you didn’t realize your subconscious was working on? Do you wait and see if your subconscious figures it out? Do you help it along somehow through prayer, meditation (being still and listening to God), and talking it out with friends? That’s how I tend to deal with everything else. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about asking God for the gift of interpreting dreams. Can we just ask God for gifts like that? Would He give me another gift if I haven’t done all that well with one He already gave me? Those are my questions today…

Schoolwork is finished and put away for the day. Zoe and Pete are watching Blue’s Clues. Benny took Max with him to work for a few hours. That means 30 minutes of computer time for me! Yeah! My email inbox was a mess, so I decided to blog later tonight and focus on the inbox. I subscribe to several different e-newsletters, and sometimes I let them build up a bit and then spend an hour catching up on reading them. That’s not very smart for my schedule so I’m unsubscribing to a few of them today. I clicked on one intending to hit the delete button and instead opened it. The title caught my eye and instantly my focus was clear. I read it…and cried. You see, I’ve been asking God to reveal to me my purpose here. Sure, I know it’s to be an awesome wife and mother, friend and minister. I want more than that. I want the deeper stuff. I want God’s voice to be clear and unmistakable and His plans to burst out of me. I want to be overflowing with his love and compassion. I want my steps to be sure and strong. I don’t question that I’m on the right path. He’s already reassured me that I am. He’s been growing my faith for awhile now, and He’s been stretching me by giving me friends that stretch me – in both good and difficult ways. More than anything, I want to have a pure and holy passion and an undivided and clean heart. I want to be more than just available when He tells me to do something. I want to be eagerly awaiting His voice. I want to be his “Yes” woman.
Here’s the e-letter from Proverbs 31 Ministries:

I got an email the other day from some of our church friends all the way from their new home in Papua , New Guinea . As I read the description of their lives in this primitive place, I was struck by how amazing their transformation has been. When I met Dane and Kema just a few years ago at a Proverbs 31 banquet, they were a young, attractive couple raising two kids in suburbia, living a comfortable life. In fact, they were planning to build their dream home on a piece of property they had bought, and excitedly shared their dream with us at dinner that night. In short, they had a life others would envy.

But behind the scenes, God was doing a work in their hearts getting their attention in some different areas. First, God laid it on their hearts to sell that piece of property and downsize their dream so they could give to the church’s building fund. Then God used a mission trip to open their eyes to the needs beyond suburbia. Through that trip their hearts were opened to both missions and children from that part of the world. Not long after, they adopted two children from that area, making four children in their home under the age of five! All of these seemingly isolated events eventually led to the biggest change of all. Dane announced he was selling his orthodontic practice and going to the mission field, where God was calling them.

When I think back to Dane and Kema’s journey, I realize that they were on what I call the “yes path” to God. God had a destination for them that was so radically different from where they were He could not reveal it to them all at once. If He did, they probably would have run away screaming! Instead, He gently and gracefully revealed His plan one step at a time, one “yes” at a time. Yes Lord, we can do this for you. Yes Lord, we will do that for you. Along the way, God prepared their hearts for the future He had in mind.

God has a path for each of us if we will only take that first step with that first “yes.” My path looks different from Dane and Kema’s. Your path will look different from mine. The path is not important and, in reality, the destination is not either. What is important is the relationship you develop with God along the way. God wants to see you take that first step by saying, as Dane and Kema did, “Yes Lord, I will do that for you.” He wants you to reach for His hand and say, “I can’t do this alone.” At that moment, you will be on the yes-path to Him and you will also be more dependent on Him than ever before. I am sure you will find that the yes-path to God is an exciting and life-changing place to be!

Dear Lord, I want to say yes to what you ask of me. Help me have the courage to take steps on the path that leads to a closer walk with You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

My bestfriend from college started a blog today…my influence is slowly spreading muahahahaha! Just kidding. She’s AWESOME! You have to visit her blog and say hello – and tell her I sent you. Her name is Tawnya and I’ve blogged about her before. She is one of the most amazing women in my life and she’s one of my oldest friends – as in longest friendships – since we were 17. I love her dearly! So go say hello to her at
www.rants-raves-and-ramblings.blogspot.com.

Now for THIS blog. Here’s an old memory for you. It was one of the many things floating around in my head last week. I’m not sure why I want to share it other than to get it out of my head for now. Warning: I used the word “suck” alot when I was a teenager.

6:30 a.m. and I have exactly twenty minutes to get my lazy butt out the door to catch the bus for school. I hate mornings. It isn’t even light out yet. Why should I have to get up before the sun even wants to shine? The people who invented school hours were idiots. My hair is still wet but I don’t want the frizzies all day so I guess I’ll deal with it. I can’t find my favorite make-up and there’s NO WAY I’m going to school without it. What if Brian sees me and thinks I look plain and ordinary? Not much chance of the “ordinary” with all of this wild hair. Who am I kidding? I could have purple hair and I don’t think he’d notice. 14 minutes to go. I’m sooo going to be late. Atleast I can wear my favorite sweater today-pink cable knit pullover. It’s like the one piece of clothing I own that everyone else wears too. I really wish I didn’t care about what everyone else thinks. 6th grade sucks. Atleast I can spend an hour staring at Brian during English class. Oh God, please don’t let him be in Health class when we discuss periods and condoms and stuff. I’ll just die! I can’t believe they made us watch that filmstrip last week. Eeeww! 7 minutes…Is Lennie even up yet? I don’t hear him in his room. HE better not make me late. I used to run down the steps of our apartment building by two’s, but since Mom’s fall I’m afraid to. The bar next door is dark and empty with frost all over the windows. It sure was hopping lastnight. I could hear the music pumping away well after I went to bed. Oh my gosh it’s cold out here! My hair is already starting to freeze into curl-sicles. Please Joe! Don’t be late. I see the bus coming through my freezing breath floating in the air. Joe pulls up and opens the door. He hardly looks at me as I take a seat close to the front. I always try to sit close to the front so I can hear the radio. I’m convinced Joe doesn’t listen to anything but Def Leppard, but I like it. And I like Joe. He’s kind of cute for an older guy. What is he 22 or something? He always looks like he just rolled out of bed, but he still looks good. How does he do that? He looks like a rocker with his long hair and ripped jeans. I thought school bus drivers were supposed to be old men and women in polyester wearing ball caps. Joe doesn’t fit in with that crowd I’m sure. Maybe that’s why I like him. I don’t think I fit in either. Def Leppard…Who wouldn’t love a band with a one-armed drummer that rocks? I’m saving up my money so I can buy their new album -Pyromania. I think I know most of the words already thanks to Joe and these oh so fun bus rides. As much as I like Brian, he listens to crappy music. Motley Crew and Iron Maiden suck! I like looking at the fields as we drive by and trying to predict who will get on the bus today and who won’t. I can’t wait to get my license. Five more years. Until then, it’s the bus for me. Oh man! We’re here and my song’s not over yet. Now I’m going to have it in my head all day. That’s my life. Music and boys. Well…one boy…

Yes, this was an actual day of my life. Well, about 2 hours of a morning really. And just so you know…It’s the year 2007 and Def Leppard is STILL touring the world…but I haven’t listened to them since 1985.

I got your hopes up and then didn’t post all week. It wasn’t on purpose – I promise. Benny decided to work from home a lot this week and I had to SHARE the internet (I’m a Nowell and Nowell’s share) which really meant I had to let him use it most of the time and just check my email now and then. I’m behind on that too. It reminds me of a button I once read. It said, “The faster I go, the behinder I get”. Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks. Not bad, just VERY busy. We also started a new schedule this week and a new diet last week. No groans from me this time – I’ve already lost six pounds. Ofcourse it’s probably because I’m actually drinking water. I don’t like water and don’t drink much of it, but I’ve been drinking about 2 liters a day this week. That along with the new diet, so far so good. I don’t expect it to remain this easy. Especially when I add Cardio to the mix.

Tomorrow is Sunday, my favorite day of the week. That always makes me smile. We’re supposed to get more snow – we’ll see if it actually happens. Either way, I’m looking forward to a day of rest. However you spend your Sunday afternoons, I hope you’re blessed. I also hope to get all of those posts out of my head and posted here so I can share my ramblings and musings with you. Until then, Peace to you and yours!