Sometimes I Write

I just re-read my Mother’s Day post. I don’t want to leave anyone thinking I am ungrateful for my children, my husband, and the many mothers I have in my life. I am so grateful! In my drive to be authentic I didn’t want to gloss over the painful parts of the day and pretend they didn’t matter just because I need to be thankful for what I have. How many have been wounded by those kinds of remarks made by people with misguided senses of “helping a grieving mother focus on the good in her life”? I know the good I have. 🙂

This was a busy, good, and difficult weekend for me. The weekend began with a fabulous start – dinner with the Captivating women and my gifts from Benny and the kiddos. Saturday was spent cleaning, praying, and thinking, then ended with our school talent show where my little drama king (literally) was absolutely wonderful. Max’s Drama class performed an assortment of vignettes and he played the part of King Philip coercing his best knight to slay a dragon. It was a comedy and Max was a natural. They were having some difficulties back stage with costumes, so his teacher had him throw in some silent comedy relief. The audience thought he was hilarious. 🙂 Watching one of my kiddos make a whole audience laugh just lifted my spirits to a new height for the day. It was great to watch the variety of talent displayed by the students and teachers of FACE. I am thankful for the role our school has played in our lives this year.

Sunday I sang with the band and worshipped at our church then enjoyed Benny’s grilled brats and the works. I spent the afternoon crying my way through P.S. I Love You. I know, it’s a girl thing. Women who know themselves know when they need a good cry and they find a way to make it happen. Mine is through a few select movies, and that is my current favorite “crying movie”. It lets me walk through grief yet also offers hope and healing. It was just what my heart needed. Then my family held our weekly ritual of watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition together and I cried all the way through that. My kiddos kept asking, “Are those happy tears Momma?” Some were, some weren’t. I had a pretty good crying headache going by the time I fell into bed last night. I am better today. 🙂

I had a REALLY weird dream Friday night that is too long (and strange) to share here, but I woke up knowing that there was great meaning in it. I grabbed my Bible to see if I could discover the answer there and asked God to walk me through the revealing of the meaning. I found the answer in my heart and mind instead of in the written word. I love that God speaks to us in so many different ways. So without explaining the dream, here’s the meaning behind it. (This may help you understand my journey at the moment.)

There are things in my life that I am not passionate about, but have taken on for various reasons. Some because I am capable and gifted in those areas and some because there was the pay off of recognition for me. These things, while worthy of time and attention, are not meant for me and I’m not meant for them. By wasting my focus on these things, I’m taking away from my true passions and purpose and also maybe taking away the opportunity someone else needs to step into these roles because they were meant for them. Some of these things sort of dropped into my lap while others I created my own place in them or started them myself. But all of them must come to an end for me to be able to become who I am meant to be…who I WANT to be. My friend Wendy has a saying to explain one of the processes in her own journey. She says she can look behind her and see the big chunks of herself that she cut off along the way to fit into whatever mold others thought (or she thought) she was supposed to fit into. Part of her journey has been discovering what those lost pieces of herself were and becoming whole once again. She’s learning how to take up space and stand in her own skin. I love that. I can relate to that. I think I have been decieved into thinking I’m too much. I’m too loud, too opinionated, too emotional, too type A, you get the picture. I’ve cut big chunks of myself off to fit certain molds, then gone beyond that and sewn some extra ones on so I am a better fit. The truth is I’m trying to fit into the wrong molds and I’m done. Those extra pieces need to come off. I need to rediscover the parts of me that are truly me and fully embrace them. Here’s where it gets scary for me. I’m going to disappoint some people by taking off the excess. They’ve come to depend on me and I really hate letting anyone down. But one of the things God has shown me is that I’m not the only one that can do those jobs. He can raise up someone else and perhaps I’m even in the way of that someone else filling the role they were meant for.

I’m beginning a new phase of removing the pieces that aren’t mine to wear and trying on the pieces that were cut off over the years. It has a similar feel to trying on clothes, which I don’t like to do because it involves disappointment. But I feel a spark of hope, acceptance and joy in the process as well. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be anyone else. I don’t want anyone else’s job, life, gifts and talents, sorrows, or responsibilities. I want my own. I want to be me because nobody else can be. They can try, but they will fail, just like I’ve failed at being anyone other than me. It will be interesting to see what happens next.

These were my thoughts over the weekend. No wonder it was difficult.

Every Thursday night Benny has a group of high school boys over for a time of fellowship and accountability.  I enjoy making snacks for them and they love my sweet tea. 🙂  Last Thursday 11 of these boys spent the night so they could go to a late movie with Benny.  It was interesting sleeping that many teenage boys in our little house, but it was fun too.  Especially breakfast time before we all had to leave for school.  They hung around and we all chatted while we ate. They played with my kids and cleaned up their own stuff, and we laughed…a lot.  Having them here almost made me miss being in traditional youth ministry.

A few weeks ago I was meeting a friend for coffee.  I arrived first and as I sat outside waiting for my friend, I saw a group of teens carrying trash bags navigate their way around the parking lot and surrounding restaurants picking up trash.  One of them looked at me so I smiled at her and she smiled back.  It looked like a youth group activity though I’m not sure.  They weren’t trudging through the mundane job, they were smiling and cracking jokes while they worked.  They were quietly making a difference in that community.

Sarah is our fabulous babysitter and one of my favorite teens.  She is honest, trustworthy, hardworking, loving to everyone she meets, and she loves life.  She is also the daughter of one of my best friends.  I love being around her and hearing her take on life.

Ray is the teenager that cares for Pete in the nursery during first hour at Friday School.  Pete adores him and tells me Ray is one of his best friends.  He is kind to Pete, gets down on the floor and plays cars and legos with him, and shares his snacks.  Pete cracks Ray up and they have a good time together.

We LOVE teenagers.  We always have.  They are so creative and courageous and just waiting to be set free.  Too often they get a bad rap.  Sure, they’re hormonal and moody sometimes.  It’s a struggle for anybody to figure out their lives and who they are supposed to be.  I know 30 year olds that are still dealing with that.

One of the things that drives me crazy is when people tell us how great, polite, ___(you fill in the blank), our kids are then follow it up with “enjoy it now…just wait until they’re teenagers!”  Don’t set my kids or any other kids up for failure.  Don’t tell them or others that you’re bracing yourself for their teenage years.  That’s like telling a woman, “You’re nice now, but boy am I bracing myself for when you hit menopause.”  yikes.

Teenagers are great people who are begging to be noticed and loved and given an opportunity to make a difference.  They are insightful, emotional, and have tremendous energy that can be focused in amazing ways when given a little direction and guidance.  I love teenagers.  They have their own special place in History as well.

David was a teenager when he went into battle and killed Goliath.

Mary was a teenager when she gave birth to Jesus.

Joan of Arc was a teenager when she led her troops into battle and died a martyr’s death.

Mary Shelley was a teenager when she wrote Frankenstein.

Franklin Sousley, was a teenager when he was one of the six men in the famous photograph of troops Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a teenager when he penned his first opera. (His first composition was written at age 5)

Teenagers were an integral part of the the Civil Rights Movement and have made their mark in history.  I believe they will continue to do so.

Teenagers are amazing and I’m grateful to have them in my life.  🙂

Want to join us for Gratituesday?

Head on over to Laura’s blog – Heavenly Homemakers and link up.

It occurred to me – while being teased about my lack of blogging last week – that I failed to give an update on the prayer request for my friend.  I met them at the courthouse on Wednesday morning – and I missed the whole thing due to backed up traffic on I-70.  I arrived as they were finishing up. 😦  Everything went very well and my friend will be able to remain in his home with his family.  They still have a long road ahead of them, but we believe the worst is behind them.  I am so thankful for answered prayers on their behalf!  You are all blessings to me, my family, and my friends!  Thank You!

Friday was our last day of school at FACE until Fall, though we still have graduation and the promotional ceremony, the talent show, the awards banquet, etc. throughout the month of May and early June.  I have mixed feelings about it being the end of the school year for FACE.  I have built friendships with some of the other parents that I only see on Fridays and I’m not sure if they are the kinds of friendship that will endure through the summer…or will they just pick up where we left off when we all come back for classes in the Fall?  I’m terrible at making and keeping play dates with people.  It seems that more often than not something comes up that prevents me from following through.  Just ask my co-coordinator for Moms and Kids at church.  I help plan the activities then only make it to a third of them myself.  Maybe that’s o.k.  I’m not expected to be at everything, but maintaining relationships does require some time sacrifices.  I guess I need to determine where my priorities are, right?

If you have a few minutes, go visit my Sex, Love, and Marriage blog.  I’m interviewing Drenda Thomas, a woman who runs a ministry dedicated to reaching out to the people who work (and visit) strip clubs in the Houston, TX area.  Drenda and her team are amazing individuals doing a great thing for the men and women they meet in the adult entertainment industry!