Sometimes I Write

I am in Nashville, Tennessee for Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference this weekend. Let me tell you how it all came together.

My Texas friends Chris and Allen, and my Colorado friends Luke and Jason, all attended Storyline and came away changed men. They don’t know each other but they’re all men I hold in high esteem, and they know me well enough to know that I needed to attend Storyline, and they told me so. Though I was hopeful, I knew it would take tremendous finagling and a small miracle to make that happen. And it did.

Luke emailed me a few months ago to let me know for the conference in Nashville would have a “pay what you can afford” option, and encouraged me to register. He and his wife wanted to help make this happen for me.

When we got our tax refund, I got online and registered, paying money that wasn’t “extra” but trusting that God and my extended friends and family would help make this a reality.

Chris has wonderful parents who have a time-share in Nashville, so he arranged for me to stay at a beautiful resort this weekend as their guests.

My friend Cherie gave me vouchers for two free car rental days with Hertz.

Luke rallied some other friends and they chipped in to pay for my airfare. (I want to honor them but don’t know if I have permission to publicize who they are.)

I had to come up with money for registration, the other 2 days of car rental, gas, food, and the deposits required. I’m a part of an AMAZING group of people! They’re generous, encouraging, and challenge me to leap beyond what I think is doable. I’m not a very good dreamer and tend to settle for less, so I am incredibly grateful for my people who push me to dream and pursue. I’m here in Nashville…pursuing.

Several years ago I attended a National Youth Workers Convention where the late, great Mike Yaconelli told us we tend to wear ourselves out at these things. We succumb to the pressure of attending every workshop and activity offered, sucking the marrow out of the experience so it was worth our money. He gave us permission to grab a bottle of wine and hole up in our rooms if that is what our spirits need. My spirit need both focus and rest this weekend.

I fell asleep watching a terrible movie last night, and woke up to a text from Benny. The hours in between were spent wrapped in blankets with the ceiling fan on and lots of pillows cradling my body. No dog scratching at the door, no children waking me up in the middle of the night, no saggy mattress that hurts my back, and no list of things I must accomplish today to keep life moving along. Just a dark, quiet, peaceful, beautiful room holding promises of the kind of rest that comes with stepping away from my daily routine for a bit. I chose to skip the pre-conference blogger’s breakfast this morning and wake up leisurely. No guilt. No regrets.

I’m heading out to the university for pre-registration and to find some lunch, but felt the need to blog first. I’m redefining and refreshing some things this weekend. I started this blog in 2004 and it’s morphed into several things over the years, just like me. It’s changed with my needs, wants, and pressures to be something other than what it is, and yet it’s still me and my journey.

My blog is an online window into my life. Not everyone wants that view, and sometimes I close the curtains for a bit, but I’m still here and I’m welcoming you to join me on my journey.

Most of my blog posts could start with, “I have this friend…”

I have this friend who buys me Chai…a lot, and another friend who tells me I’m amazing on the days I feel like a big fat failure, and yet another one who tells me when I’m full of crap. These ladies have shaped me, but many times my growth has come through loss instead of love. Or maybe it was love in the midst of loss. Tonight I’m thinking about a friend who said goodbye, and the incredible impact he made on me.

This friend and I spent quite a bit of time together during a pivotal season of my life. His parting words to me were beautifully sweet and I should have known they were a goodbye. I can be naive like that, thinking friendships last forever. Some don’t. There was pain for me in the parting, but he left me with an amazing gift – words to dive into and explore. Words that moved me into a place of introspection and quality time with God. I’m sure he has no idea the impact his letter made on me. Here’s a brief glimpse of what he said:

“Do not let yourself be bound by the labels that others write out for you or that you unjustly write out for yourself.  Only judge yourself by who you come to know you are through your relationship with Christ and time spent getting to know yourself…You are so much more than… (He inserted a list of activities and titles I mistakenly thought defined me.) Understand the places where flowers grow after you have been there. Understand that part of you that possesses greatness while still being totally separate from what other people think or know of you. Understand why and how God loves you in particular.”

I have that paragraph memorized. Why? Because that friend was one of many God has used to speak this message to me. That bold part? I’ve created several pieces of art with that as the centerpiece. That phrase was pre-tattoo sleeve, and probably influenced my idea for the design.

I’ve been pondering identity this week and I’m stuck on the phrase, “So much more.” My friend Nick used that phrase on Sunday and I cried. It’s definitely one of my heart messages, and I need to share it with you. Ready?

YOU are so much more than the labels you and others write out for you. YOU are so much more than __________ (fill in the blank for me) and YOU need to understand the places where flowers grow after YOU have been there and why and how God loves YOU in particular…because He does. He loves YOU like crazy. No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or whether or not you believe in Him.

My friend’s words have become a mantra for my life – to leave people better than I found them. I want flowers to grow in their lives after I’ve been there. I am finally walking daily in the knowing that I am so much more than, and so are you.

I know. Spell check didn’t like that word either.

As I reflect on my sabbath year so far, I have some confessions to make, besides the one that I chose to title this post. It’s been a weird year. Not terrible. Not great. Confession #2: This whole resting thing seems like laziness and I feel like I have to justify it to others. Not that anyone is demanding I do, it’s the subtle reactions I get when I talk about what I’m NOT doing now.

A few of my friends have made comments about gearing up for my busy summer. That’s the pattern I’ve lived for the past several years – summers filled with ministry stuff and little time for anything else. As much as I love our SABBATH groups, I heaved a sigh of relief when Benny and I decided to take the summer off to rest and play as a family. Now, what does that look like? I have no idea. We’ve never done that before. Ever.  I think the last time I took the summer off to rest and play, I was in high school. You know, before I had to get a real job and be a responsible grown-up.

My attempts to talk with God about all of the stuff I need to work on: Character flaws, my lack of ability to finish what I start (like drawing challenges – ha!), caring too much what other people think, and my homeschooling quandary, are met with Him telling me to rest, and that I worry too much. Yeah, I LOVE hearing that. 😉

Slowing down has had some unfortunate consequences. Confession #3: Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected, lonely, forgotten, like I’m starving for attention. I am a pursuer, and I think my friends depend on me pursuing them.  When I don’t, I’m shocked (and a little hurt) at the lack of people pursuing me. Is it a reflection of my personality? Do I appear too busy? How do I change that? Do I need better friends or better communication skills? Probably the latter. My friends rock.Benny and I had a long chat about this. Using the same tone of voice as he would say “of course you’re a redhead” he told me that of course I’m a pursuer. It’s my personality. It’s what I do. Mr. Smartypants also told me that my friends probably do assume I’m busy all of the time because I am. Except now I’m not, and they’re all confused. He asked who my close friends are now and told me to focus on them and not worry about whether or not I’m being pursued. He also told me to back off the toxic relationships in my life. Good idea. This advice was free and I didn’t even have to lie down on the couch and discuss how I feel about my mother.

Confession #4: I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know what I want.

The next 77 days (not including my two weeks of camp in Oklahoma) are stretched out before me. I want to read, have long chats on the phone, over Skype, or sit across from you – my friends –with a cup of Chai in my hand, watch movies, teach my daughter how to throw a fast-pitch softball, read, write a real letter, work on the novel I tell people I’m writing, beat my son at cribbage, take the other son down in a water balloon fight, sleep until noon, update my coupon binder, go on dates with my husband, and read some more. And I want to do these things spontaneously.

 I don’t want every day on the calendar filled in,

but I want every day to be full.

That’s my plan. I’m not a good rester, but I will be.

How about you? What are you looking forward to this summer?