Sometimes I Write

Sit down and have a cup of tea with me. It’s late here, but there’s a lot to talk about – though here it’s me doing all the talking. 😉 My little guy Pete is asleep on the loveseat. He’s nursing a temperature of 102.8, and I’m camping out on the couch just in case he needs me in the middle of the night. Lastnight was no picnic either. I had promised Max he could sleep with us in the big bed as a treat. As soon as the words left my mouth I was kicking myself. I don’t like to be touched when I’m sleeping, and God in His sense of humor matched me with a Husband whose love language is physical touch, and three kids who take after their Popa. My view is that cuddle time is for people who are awake to enjoy it. 😉 Anyway, between gently pushing and eventually shoving Max back to the middle of the bed, Petey and Zoe waking up and needing attention, and Petey’s early morning wake-up call (5:30 a.m. asking me to please wipe his butt), I had a restless night. I would have thought that I’d fall into bed tonight oblivious to the world. Nope. I’m wide awake as the rest of the house slumbers in peace. Lucky you!

Benny figured out the website issues and has devoted tomorrow to getting them all fixed. YEAH! So, very soon we’re going to need your help in pointing people to the newly completed SEVENS website. I’ll give more details in the next few days. God is so faithful and His timing is always better than mine, but still I struggle to patiently wait on Him and His plan. Thank you to my friends who have emailed me this week with notes of encouragement and reminders that I do not walk this journey alone. I know that in my heart, but sometimes my heart and my head argue about that issue.

Let’s see…tidbits of information about this past week…

Our Homeschool group performed their annual play this weekend. I went last year before I was involved with FACE, and I only knew Sarah, my friend Paula’s daughter. This year I knew about 85% of the cast and it made a huge difference. A few of the teens go to my church and a few of them belong to my dearest friends here, a few of them are in the 4th hour class I’ve been co-teaching with Paula the past few months, and a few of them are helpers in my kids’ classes. I absolutely loved sitting in the audience with my friend Wendy and her family, and silently cheering them on. I laughed at some of the lines and the voice of the nerdy character, and worried when I saw a hairpiece slowly coming off the main character’s head, one of our graduating Seniors. I prayed it would stay on until the end of the scene while Melissa didn’t miss a beat or come out of character once. I was relieved to see it firmly back in place once the next scene began. I was teary watching two sisters acting their hearts out – and they were both REALLY good. I thought about the creativity of the man (one of the Dads) who wrote the play, and the time and efforts of all of the parents and volunteers who made it all come together. I sat in my plush seat with lots of leg room and closed my eyes for a few moments and let myself drift on the waves of nostalgia back to my own days in theater in high school and Community Theater with Benny before we had children. The cast and crew did an exceptional job and I was giddy with excitement hugging the kids I knew in the cast line after the play. It was a ray of sunshine on my whole week.

On the flip side, I was sad and angry this week to see a CNN news report on the KKK. Their spokesperson said enrollment is way up since the illegal immigration debates began and they’ve seen a 60% increase in enrollment since 1995. ( I think that was the year.) I was appalled. They hate blacks, Jews, and homosexuals, and see nothing wrong with committing hate crimes against them. (Their words) It brings out some righteous (and not so righteous) anger in me. Somedays it’s not enough for me to think “they’ll get theirs” and it’s increasingly hard to show love and forgiveness towards I people I tend to hate myself. If I hate them at all, I’m no better than they are. I REALLY HATE WHAT AND WHO THEY STAND FOR!!! But I know that they are deceived by the great Liar himself. Some of these people are “upstanding members” of their communities and even worse – their churches. It sickens me really. I have a friend in a southern state who is a school teacher. He was telling me that they were trying to decide who was going to speak at their graduation ceremonies a few years ago and a boy in his class recommended his grandfather (or uncle-I can’t remember) to speak because he is the GrandMaster something or other for their local KKK chapter, and well respected. YUK!!! And they won’t let people say prayers at graduations. Idiots, I tell you. Yes friends, racism and prejudice is alive and well in America. How does that make you feel?

I posted on my other blog that this is the LOVE month. It’s also Black History month. What are you doing about it? Is it important to you to raise up a generation of colorblind children? It’s one of the many things I’m aiming for. I want my kids to see past the skin and embrace the heart behind it. I’m not saying don’t be proud of your heritage. I’m saying not to hate that of others or show favoritism based on it. It’s hard. Some of us weren’t raised in colorblind homes. But here’s some TRUTH for you: Galatians 3:28 tells us that you who have put on Christ are no longer Jew nor Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus, and heirs of God’s promise. It doesn’t specifically mention skin color here, but let’s use our brains for a minute. Where was Jesus born? Where did the Bible events take place? I’m pretty sure Jesus and his disciples weren’t blonde with blue eyes if you get my point. I know there is a fine line between stepping on toes and stepping on hearts, and I also know that most of the people that read hear probably don’t struggle with these issues. BUT, I know some of you do, and I know I have in certain ways in the past.

When I was a young girl learning about slavery, the underground railroad, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, and a host of other Black culture icons and their histories and influences, I went home and cried into my pillow. I couldn’t believe we in America – a country founded on FREEDOM & EQUALITY- would allow such atrocities to take place. I imagined myself as a scout for the underground railroad, helping people to escape abuse and torture. I felt the same way when we studied the Holocaust and Nazi Germany. I imagined myself not only hiding Jewish families, but rescuing thousands of people from the gas chambers. I swore that if I had lived back then, I would have made a difference. I remember the weight of it on my little girl shoulders as I promised God He could use me to fight injustices wherever I found them. And I’m still trying to do that by working with and on behalf of streetkids in America. Injustice happens everywhere. The slavery issue was on our own soil. The Nazi death camps were not. I believe we’re to fight injustices anyway we can with whatever resources God makes available to us – no matter what part of the world it’s happening in. I don’t think we should sit by in our comfy lives while there are millions of people still being tortured and killed around the world. Many genocides have happened while we did nothing.

I’m so freakin’ tired of people complaining and mouthing off about Iraq and how we never should have gone there. How easily they forget how this all began, and how easy for them to say that from the comforts of their safe homes. I can almost promise you that they’ll be singing a different tune the next time THEIR freedom is attacked on THEIR soil. My friends, I’m not just ranting and raving here for no reason. Never forget! Never forget the people that have died so you and I can enjoy the freedoms we have, and died so others might have a chance at the same. Their lives weren’t wasted. “Fixing the messes in our own country and letting “them” worry about their own problems” is not excuse enough to let millions of others suffer. How many more Jews would have died if we and the other allied countries would not have stepped in? How many of the black friends we have would have still been enslaved if not for those who fought and died in a war to try to end slavery? To only worry about yourself and your little world is ignorant and selfish. So I ask you to join me…Never Forget!

This post got serious fast, and that wasn’t my intention when I started typing it. These are the things I think about in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. It’s not always so heavy, but sometimes it is.

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Thank you so much for your prayers in our time of stress and need. I was telling a friend this last weekend that I know God can perform the miraculous anytime He chooses, but often he decides to work through His children to bless each other. It’s thrilling when you are the one giving and very humbling when you are on the receiving end. And that’s where we have found ourselves. We have some very generous friends who have called to say, “the check’s in the mail” and I’m happy to report I think it might cover our expenses this month. Once again I found myself saying, “Lord, I do believe, but help me when I doubt”. ~sigh~

So a public THANK YOU for all of you who have prayed us through this past two years and continue to bless us with your encouragement through hugs, phone calls, emails, comments here, and financial gifts to our ministry and our family! I don’t think I do it justice when I tell you how you are effecting us and the young people we work with. What you do for and with us makes a difference in the lives of so many. I look forward to sharing stories with you on our SEVENS blog when we get our website up and running again. We’re still experiencing some technical difficulties.

Now for some random thoughts:

I think I’ve blogged about this before but can’t remember. What is it about me that says, “Ask me questions like I work here”? Max and I were grocery shopping today at WalMart and a sweet older lady asked me if I worked there. I smiled and said no but I would help her if I could. She asked where to find a certain item. I looked up at the signs hanging from the ceilings and pointed her in the direction of aisle 5. She smiled and thanked me and went on her way. NOTHING about me (that I can think of) should have given this woman the idea that I’m a WalMart employee. I was looking pretty ratty – I prefer to call it “relaxed” – in my faded blue jeans with the knees ripped out, my baby pink Dry Bones t-shirt, hot pink toenails shining out of my pink sandals, and my hair pulled back in a ponytail/bun. I had no make-up on, a stain on my shirt (which I didn’t notice until I got home), and most importantly was not wearing a blue vest with a nametag…AND I was pushing a cart full of food with a 7 year old pulling from the front. I don’t get it. The funny thing is that this happens to me ALL THE TIME…at several different stores! Benny says it’s probably because I walk/shop with purpose and I look like I know where I am and what I’m doing. Hmmm…O.K. then.

So while I was feeling less than “dressed for success”, I ran into a woman that I know from BSF. I was sort of hoping NOT to run into anyone who might recognize me. 😉 She was so sweet and told me how she misses seeing me and the kids on Thursdays and that I should tell Petey and Zoe that their teachers miss them. She is the kind of person that gets joy and love all over you when you are with her. I’m so glad I ran into her – “relaxed dressed” and all. She was another boost of God’s love in my day. He’s so good like that!

My mom and I made a deal/pact/promise that we would write each other one letter a month this year. I need accountability like that. 😉 Today I got my February letter in the mail. Man that woman’s fast! We first did this a few years ago and it turned out great. I think it helped us connect better as mother and daughter. I never run out of things to say even though we talk on the phone every week and she reads my blog. My problem is censoring or filtering what I say. If I spoke even a tenth of what I thought about saying, I’d never be able to stop writing/typing. 😉

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It’s been a bit of a stressful week here with SEVENS. I think I just need some prayers for courage and strengthening of my faith. I’m posting a copy of the email we sent out to our prayer team last night. Benny is so sweet to include prayers for me, especially when I’m sitting here worrying about HIM. 😉 He worked hard to finish up our website over the last couple of weeks and we just discovered that all of the work he did, didn’t publish. He’s off at a coffee shop working on it today since we have dial-up internet here at home. I’m having a hard time being thankful for it and I’m seriously coveting high speed! 😉 Anyway, here’s the email:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!

We are in a bit of a crisis tonight. Our support, for the first time in almost 2 years is short. One of our supporters is unsure if he is going to continue supporting us. I’m not sure why. Today was the first time I heard about this and it puts us $1000 short. Plus we’ve had some other supporters not able to give this month for various reasons. So we are in a tough spot.
Satan is taking every opportunity to use this. My gut reaction is panic and a little despair. I know that is from the enemy and not from God. I know that God is faithful and will come through. I still struggle with what is my part to do?? But at the same time I want to live my life in a way that screams, “I trust God!”
So I need from you:

1. Pray for a sense of God’s peace for me and my family. Also pray a special prayer for Niki. This kind of uncertainty rocks her sense of security. “Lord help us to know in our heads, hearts, and actions that you will come through. Help us to live like we are convinced that you will care for us.”
2. Pray that God will give us additional support to make up the shortage for this month.

I found myself worrying out loud to a friend yesterday and when I got home I felt so stupid. That friend has been living in a similar situation for nearly 6 years. 6 years!!! And here I am facing our first month that short of a miracle, we will not be able to pay all of our bills, and I’m feeling panicky. Yikes! Where is my faith? God moved us to do this and I know he won’t let us starve, but I don’t want to skip any bills this month. I grew up like that and carried that habit into our marriage. We have been working hard to be on top of that for a long time now, so the possibility of facing that again is disheartening.

Maybe I shouldn’t have typed this until God had calmed my heart. The people that doubted we could or should do this are appearing in my mind. It’s time to get off the computer and spend some time with the only one who can totally calm my fears. Thank you for reading here and thank you for your support and prayers! I’ll give you an update as soon as I can.

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Some days on my “Yes” path to God I literally feel lost. I am trying to do my best to keep the faith and encourage those around me to do so as well. I know there are days when I am a poor example to those around me, and I fall short of God’s plan for me. It’s those days I try to cling to his grace and mercy and love. When was the last time you felt yourself clinging? It doesn’t sound like fun, does it? It’s not. It stinks.

Today I find myself clinging. I have had some pretty emotional dreams the last few nights and I have found myself asking, “God is this from you? Are you trying to tell me something? Or is this the enemy? Is he the one twisting and disturbing my sleep?” I’ve been dreaming so vividly, in color, and not only remembering my dream when I wake up, but still dealing with the emotions that accompany the dreams hours after my day has begun. I’ve been awake now for about 7 hours and my emotions are effecting everything I do, everything I say, and everything I touch.

I got my feelings hurt at church this morning and tried to pass it off as part of this dream/emotion stuff. The more I talked it through with Benny the more clear it became that it was something separate and I needed to talk to my friend about it, which I’m going to do in a little while. I mentioned to another friend that my emotions were bubbling just below the surface today and said (and I can’t believe I said this) that I didn’t even have my period – like that is the only time I get emotional about anything. Yeah…Right! She laughed and asked if I could be pregnant and I gave her my old line about that being next to impossible and that there had better be a star over Bethlehem if I ever get that news.

Back to the dream stuff. I once had a dream that Benny did something (don’t remember what now) and he made me so mad that I punched him in the jaw…in my sleep. Really. I’ve also had dreams that I was so mad and frustrated with him that I couldn’t look at him or talk to him when I woke up – and he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Poor guy. 😉 Then there are the dreams about something horrible happening to my children and I can’t save them. When that happens I have to get out of bed and walk down to their rooms to check on them and make sure they’re still breathing. That was the night before last. My dreams lastnight were different than that.

If I chose to, I could still recall to you very vivid details about my dreams. In this case, I think God has given me the ability to interpret what happened, where, and why. Now I just have to deal with the emotions that go along with that and I’m asking how and when. Is it coincidence that we’re working on that right now in Max’s Reading lessons? (What, where, when, why, and how) How do you deal with an emotion you didn’t realize your subconscious was working on? Do you wait and see if your subconscious figures it out? Do you help it along somehow through prayer, meditation (being still and listening to God), and talking it out with friends? That’s how I tend to deal with everything else. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about asking God for the gift of interpreting dreams. Can we just ask God for gifts like that? Would He give me another gift if I haven’t done all that well with one He already gave me? Those are my questions today…

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Schoolwork is finished and put away for the day. Zoe and Pete are watching Blue’s Clues. Benny took Max with him to work for a few hours. That means 30 minutes of computer time for me! Yeah! My email inbox was a mess, so I decided to blog later tonight and focus on the inbox. I subscribe to several different e-newsletters, and sometimes I let them build up a bit and then spend an hour catching up on reading them. That’s not very smart for my schedule so I’m unsubscribing to a few of them today. I clicked on one intending to hit the delete button and instead opened it. The title caught my eye and instantly my focus was clear. I read it…and cried. You see, I’ve been asking God to reveal to me my purpose here. Sure, I know it’s to be an awesome wife and mother, friend and minister. I want more than that. I want the deeper stuff. I want God’s voice to be clear and unmistakable and His plans to burst out of me. I want to be overflowing with his love and compassion. I want my steps to be sure and strong. I don’t question that I’m on the right path. He’s already reassured me that I am. He’s been growing my faith for awhile now, and He’s been stretching me by giving me friends that stretch me – in both good and difficult ways. More than anything, I want to have a pure and holy passion and an undivided and clean heart. I want to be more than just available when He tells me to do something. I want to be eagerly awaiting His voice. I want to be his “Yes” woman.
Here’s the e-letter from Proverbs 31 Ministries:

I got an email the other day from some of our church friends all the way from their new home in Papua , New Guinea . As I read the description of their lives in this primitive place, I was struck by how amazing their transformation has been. When I met Dane and Kema just a few years ago at a Proverbs 31 banquet, they were a young, attractive couple raising two kids in suburbia, living a comfortable life. In fact, they were planning to build their dream home on a piece of property they had bought, and excitedly shared their dream with us at dinner that night. In short, they had a life others would envy.

But behind the scenes, God was doing a work in their hearts getting their attention in some different areas. First, God laid it on their hearts to sell that piece of property and downsize their dream so they could give to the church’s building fund. Then God used a mission trip to open their eyes to the needs beyond suburbia. Through that trip their hearts were opened to both missions and children from that part of the world. Not long after, they adopted two children from that area, making four children in their home under the age of five! All of these seemingly isolated events eventually led to the biggest change of all. Dane announced he was selling his orthodontic practice and going to the mission field, where God was calling them.

When I think back to Dane and Kema’s journey, I realize that they were on what I call the “yes path” to God. God had a destination for them that was so radically different from where they were He could not reveal it to them all at once. If He did, they probably would have run away screaming! Instead, He gently and gracefully revealed His plan one step at a time, one “yes” at a time. Yes Lord, we can do this for you. Yes Lord, we will do that for you. Along the way, God prepared their hearts for the future He had in mind.

God has a path for each of us if we will only take that first step with that first “yes.” My path looks different from Dane and Kema’s. Your path will look different from mine. The path is not important and, in reality, the destination is not either. What is important is the relationship you develop with God along the way. God wants to see you take that first step by saying, as Dane and Kema did, “Yes Lord, I will do that for you.” He wants you to reach for His hand and say, “I can’t do this alone.” At that moment, you will be on the yes-path to Him and you will also be more dependent on Him than ever before. I am sure you will find that the yes-path to God is an exciting and life-changing place to be!

Dear Lord, I want to say yes to what you ask of me. Help me have the courage to take steps on the path that leads to a closer walk with You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

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