Sometimes I Write

“I’m just trying to keep my head above water”…“I feel like all I’ve been doing is treading water, trying to stay afloat”…“I’m sinking fast”. All negative images. Water vs. man (woman). I’ve heard them all and more and I’ve said them all myself- maybe even to you. When did that happen? When did the water become the enemy…or something to conquer? Has it always been that way and my little girl imagination just didn’t get it? Is it a fear of the unknown? There are so many water movies that I found incredibly cool, yet a little scary. The Abyss comes to mind. Even the word “abyss” con notates danger. But that’s not really my focus here.

How about something a little more light hearted like say… The Little Mermaid? Sebastian sang in the catchy tune “Under The Sea”, The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake…words so true. Every girl that sang along with Ariel when she lamented wanting to be “part of that world” knows what I’m talking about when I speak of longing for something more than I already have and know. Sometimes the sacrifices to get what we long for are huge. Unlike Ariel, I would never give up my voice. I wouldn’t be me anymore. I related more to her daughter Melody in The Little Mermaid II. She pretended to have fins…and she didn’t know about her heritage. It was kept from her in the name of protection. Boy this could go deep…no pun intended.

I have seen no less than 4 movies in the last year that have to do with mermaids. Yes, I still cling to the mermaid fantasy. It’s not that I want to go live with the fishes, and it’s not that I want to escape and leave everything I know behind for a new life. As a child it was about escape. As an adult I know it’s that I want to be special, unique, mysterious, legendary. Mermaid movies resonate with me for many reasons:

1. I know I was not meant to live in this world. I’m an alien here. (A mermaid)
2. I’m so often misunderstood…Aren’t we all?
3. I do long for greener seaweed, uh…grass.
4. Sometimes I get lost and wander into waters that are dangerous for me…and I need rescuing or at least help getting back to where I belong.
5. Sometimes I swim towards dangerous waters intentionally.
6. I have faithful friends that will journey with me (like Flounder and Sebastian), but sometimes I choose to go it alone (like Madison in Splash)
7. All of those movies are about one thing…relationships. And THAT is the meaning of life…relationships.

I guess I am living the mermaid life. But occasionally I still catch myself holding my breath until it burns.

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It began with every wife and mother’s worst nightmare. I thought, Lord, I don’t know where this is going, but it had better be good. I was teary by page five and wondering how this woman was going to be redeemed. I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that started out this intense. Talk about a page turner! Right from the first chapter I was launched forward through the twists and turns that would make tragedy morph into triumph.

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I’ve been fascinated with the Titanic story since I was about 12 years old. I’m not sure why. Even if I tried, I don’t think I could narrow it down to just one reason. Lost love. Lost treasures. Man’s ego. Stories of heroism and acts of selflessness. The harshness of the class system. Luck. Famous people. All of these things have fed my imagination as I read everything I could get my hands on about this tragedy.

When James Cameron made his movie and took Titanic down into history again (as the highest grossing film ever) I watched it five times on the big screen. That is also when I fell in love with Kate Winslet. Not in a lesbian way, but in a “Wow! She’s beautiful, talented, has an accent, and I want to watch every film she’s ever made” sort of way.

I loved the movie, but there were several things that didn’t sit well with me. First was the naked drawing. It would have been a great film without her being naked. He could have drawn her body with clothes on and it would have been just as beautiful. No need to arouse people everywhere with pictures of breasts. Second was the sex in the Model T. I believe sex belongs in marriage, not lustily participated in with a relative stranger on a cruise ship. Third was the way history was twisted to fit our modern day dialogue and actions. Kate’s character Rose flips off a man, slaps a man, and spits in the face of her now ex-fiancee. As far as I can tell from reading, refined women didn’t behave that way back then. It was improper. Then again, Molly Brown was on that ship and she had quite a reputation, so I guess it is possible. Lastly, according to records, there were few men who took up seats on the life boats when the ship began to sink. The movie made it look like many men were doing everything they could to get on those life boats including dressing as women and holding people at gun point. I could have done without the cussing as well…especially the “F” word. So yes, I had my issues with the movie. I also loved it.

I loved that Rose was rescued from a life that would have suffocated her; A life arranged by her selfish mother. I loved that they wove Jack and Rose in and out of the stories of the famous people on board and that Rose was a connecting point with the past. I loved the phasing shots of the real Titanic on the bottom of the ocean blended into the movie Titanic in all it’s beauty and glory. I loved the historical facts they got right. I loved the soundtrack! Music makes or breaks a movie, and the soundtrack was brilliant. Way to go James Horner. I loved “The heart of the ocean” necklace. I loved the Irish band that played at the 3rd class party. I loved the costumes and the sets. I loved the witty dialogue. I loved the older Rose and how she had “lived” as captured in photographs that she had insisted on taking with her when she travelled. I loved the movie, despite it’s flaws.

For you movie buffs out there, Wikipedia said: “It holds the record for the highest-grossing film of all time, generating over US$1.8 billion worldwide. It spent 15 weekends atop the weekend box office, making it second only to E.T. (16 weekends) as the movie with the most weekends at that position. In 1998 it was nominated for fourteen Academy Awards and won eleven, including the title of 1997’s Best Picture (the second Paramount/Fox co-production with that honor in 3 years after 1995’s Braveheart). Titanic shares the record for the most Academy Award wins with Ben-Hur (1959) and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003). Along with 1950’s All About Eve (another 20th Century Fox film), Titanic also holds the record for most Academy Award nominations.

For you History buffs out there: The Denver Museum of Nature & Science will be hosting Titanic: The Artifact Expedition this summer. It opens June 22nd while I’m at Zenith. I’ll definitely be attending the exhibit when I get home from camp. I’m excited to see up close what I’ve only seen in books and on t.v. In the meantime, I’m going to the library to borrow the movie and watch it again. My fascination continues…

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Benny took Max and Zoe with him to Texas so Pete and I have enjoyed spending time together this weekend. Being the youngest, he has spent the least amount of time alone with me. I had forgotten what it was like to have an only child. It’s a lot easier than three. Being the youngest has it’s disadvantages though. Pete isn’t used to being without his siblings and he doesn’t like it too well…especially sleeping alone in his room. Pete doesn’t know how to play by himself, and doesn’t really want to learn. He has been my shadow all weekend. I’ve really enjoyed the cuddle time.

Heather spent most of the weekend with us and came to church with us on Sunday. Our Easter service was fantastic and we had 4 baptisms afterwards. I enjoyed some really great conversations over the weekend, and felt very challenged and blessed by my friends. Benny and the kids will be home tomorrow night. I really miss them!

Linda called me on Saturday to ask for prayers. Her heart had yet to convert with the heavy medications her doctors had given her. She said if it didn’t convert by this morning she was headed to Colorado Springs to have the cardiac conversion done at the hospital. I have no idea what all that entails. All I know is that I’ve been watching way too much Grey’s Anatomy and I was a little scared for her. 😉 I called her last night and there had been no change. We talked about how she felt and what she had heard about the procedure. To lighten the mood I reminded her to wear clean underwear. LOL Then she outdid me with a story of her own that’s a little too personal ( but hilarious) to share here. So, I’ve been praying for her all day. Her daughter called me a few hours ago to let me know that everything went well and she will be returning home tonight sometime. I can’t believe that’s an outpatient procedure and they kick you out the door a few hours after it’s completed. Please continue to pray for my beloved friend as she heals. Her cardiologist told her she’ll still be feeling bad for awhile since she was in Atrial Fib for so long.

I hope you all have a great week! If you have time, go check out the amazing things by best friend can do with colored pencils!

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That’s what has been blocking me with my blogs. I experienced this same fear some when we were in full time youth ministry. As a ministry family you live in a fishbowl. If it is for a church, then a lot of people think they are your boss because they help pay your salary. Realistically you can’t please everyone all of the time and that can create tension. I really don’t miss that part of church youth ministry. If you are living as a missionary the same thing applies, just in a different form. The safety net of the church is gone when you are supported by individuals who can pull their funding from your ministry if they don’t like something you say, do, believe, etc. We’ve already had a church group pull their financial support because they view us as no longer involved with their denomination. The irony is that 95% of our support comes from that same denomination whom we are very much involved with – just not attending there on Sunday mornings.

A few months ago I started worrying about money. It started with the email from that church letting us know of their decision to no longer support us and our ministry. I began to wonder if that was going to be the first in a line of people who lost confidence in what we are doing here. I’ve been working through and trying to let go of the bitterness that took root in my heart that day. It’s been hard. The short story is that my fears about losing more of our financial support began to spill over into my blogging. What if I type this? Who might I possibly offend? What if someone reads something I write and decides that I can’t possibly be a REAL Christian and rallies against me, or gets others to drop their support? I’m not trying to be dramatic here. I have two different ministry friends who have started anonymous blogs because they can’t truly be themselves on their regular blogs for fear of being fired for actually having ~gasp~ problems, questions about faith related issues, or even opinions that differ from the majority of their church peers. They also fear losing their influence with certain people they work with and minister to. For me, I think about those things, but it eventually comes down to money. That’s really sad. ~sigh~

I recently received some very prophetic words from a woman who told me some things I was crying out to God about. Things ONLY HE would know about. “Why would God care about my little blog?” I asked myself. Evidently He does. She told me I don’t have any reasons to fear. That God wants me to be honest and real on my blogs because that’s what people need. And so do I. Sometimes that means addressing some hard stuff. God is the one who has given me the passion and the means to share it, and as my friend Wendy put it – He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. (Or was that sheep? lol) Either way, He is my provider, my Jehovah Jireh. He is the one who moved the hearts of those on our financial support team to give to His work – not ours – HIS – the work HE has us doing. He has made it clear that in this situation, He is doing the providing and that our part is the being obedient to what He has called us to do. So whom shall I fear? The ones who could choose not to send their monthly checks, or the One who owns it all?

I will do my best to be obedient and to turn back to Him with my fears and inadequacies. I will move forward with renewed confidence because in Him I am quite capable of all that He asks of me. I will ask for forgiveness when I mess up, and I will give Him the credit for any wisdom that happens to flow from my mouth and fingertips. I thank Him for blessing me and giving me words to speak. I thank Him for the grace and mercy He offers to all who seek Him. I thank Him for His promises and I thank Him for speaking to me through people, music, and written words. If I’ll only stop and listen, He’s in everything and I can hear Him.

Tonight I’m reading Psalm 25.

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