Sometimes I Write

My name is Niki and I’m a copycat. The truth is out, so let’s get real. I blog hop every chance I get and sometimes I notice trends and end up jumping on the bandwagon. That’s so not like me, but blogging changes a person :)- My favorites list is 22 names long and though I don’t read all of them every day, I check them all at least once a week. I checked them more when I had broadband (sigh). I’m so bad at this blogging thing (or maybe it’s good) that I’ll get online to post on MY JOURNEY and I never get around to it because I spend my time reading and commenting on other people’s blogs! Does that make me a commentaholic?

Anyway… copying some of my fellow bloggers, here are a few of my very favorites, in no particular order other than this is how my mood strikes right now.

Adam Copeland – He is my Yoda. 🙂 (Thought you’d like that Adam!) Seriously, he is the one who introduced me to blogging, helped me get started and hasn’t stopped encouraging me since. He is one of our youth ministry friends from Texas. We do summer camps with him and he’s become a really good friend. If I only have a few minutes to be online, his is the blog I read first. He is thoughtful, witty, and full of compassion. He is single and I’m constantly keeping myself from playing matchmaker. (Living a few states away helps-haha.) He is one of the people that taught me that age does not equal wisdom. He is younger than me, but I’ve learned so much from him. He is doing great things for the kingdom and he’s a lot of fun!

Mike Cope – I don’t know him personally but I hope to someday. He is a preacher at Highland in Abilene. I first became familiar with him through Wineskin magazine. This man keeps me challenged, thinking, praying, crying, kneeling, and laughing. I’m one of a zillion people that read and comment on his blog. He has created quite a community of blogging believers! I have tremendous respect for this man. I have found several favorite blogs through those who leave comments on Mike’s blog.

Kent Brantly – We moved to Indianapolis in June of 1999. Kent graduated about two seconds later and flew off to Abilene for college. He never taught me how to play euchre for which I’ll never forgive him! 🙂 O.K. maybe sometime before Christ’s return we’ll get another chance. Kent is now a Med student in Indy, but living in Guatemala for a spell learning Spanish. I love to read about all that he is experiencing there. Kent is single too…hmmm…maybe I could matchmake through my blog…hahaha I’m kidding!!! Kent loves the Lord and anyone who meets this handsome young man knows that before long!

Larry James– He is the CEO of Central Dallas Ministries, an organization that works with and for the working poor and homeless of the Dallas area. This man has more conviction and love for those less fortunate in our society and he is not silent about it! I linked to his blog from Mike’s, and my life will never be the same. Larry is a very busy man, but he took the time to answer my questions and encourage me through a long email. (We’ve never met) I read him regularly for a kick to the gut and a pat on the back. He is ministry in motion!

Sandy – Yes I read blogs by women too! 🙂 Sandy found me by accident and ofcourse I had to check her blog out too. I was thrilled to know we have stuff in common. She is a devoted wife and mother of four living in Hawaii. She’s and RN, and in school too. I love her writing style and her refreshing honesty. She loves to post pictures, and her confessions sometimes make me laugh. (because I can relate!) I feel she is a kindred spirit, and I look forward to the mutual encouragement I know we’ll share.

Rich Melheim – A Lutheran pastor from Minnesota that Benny met, actually pursued. He has great ideas about Faith, reaching the lost, and transforming the church. He is on Sabbatical this year here in CO. He’s a talented speaker, writer, and think-tank coordinator! I’m not sure what else to say about him, but definitely check it out! He’s one of many that has lifted us up in our times of discouragement. He gave Benny hope during a low point last year and we’re blessed to call him brother!

There are so many more – Ed, Jeff, Betty, Val, Steve, Andrew, Dana…my list goes on, but my energy doesn’t. It’s now 12:47 a.m. and the baby will be awake in about 5 1/2 hours. See what I mean? I’m addicted. If I hadn’t stopped to read all of these blogs before posting on my own, I’d be asleep by now! Goodnight blogworld, goodnight John Boy, goodnight Mary Ellen, goodnight Jim Bob, and all of you other people out there! 🙂

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If you are new to this blog, I’d like to warn you that I’m going through a very trying, struggling phase right now. Sometimes I post funny, goofy stuff, and sometimes I post my heart cries and pain. Not every day is as bad as this one, and no – I’m not depressed. I post about me and my family and our triumphs and struggles. I often ask for prayers because I know that prayer moves the hands of God. I am not afraid to share myself with you if you’re willing to see me. I appreciate you stopping by to hear my thoughts and leave your questions, comments and rebuttals. I gain much encouragement from the blogging world and leave an open invitation for you to join me on my journey! If you’re not into deep painful thoughts today, move on and check back here in a few days. This week I plan to post about the blogs I read, the many things in my life I’m thankful for, and my questions and thoughts about infertility. (Intrigued now aren’t you?)

It’s Sunday morning and once again I am home sick. UGH! I can’t seem to shake this stuff! Max and Zoe are home too. Max is playing and probably should have gone with Benny and Pete, but his cough is still bad. He’s busy taping Buzz, Woody, and Jessie to the floor with masking tape. Should I be worried? 🙂 Zoe is asleep on the floor, but coughing anyway. I’m still praying for healing for the family.

I just finished watching While You Were Sleeping, starring Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman. (I just love them .) I love that movie because of it’s clear message about the need for family and a place to belong. Don’t we all want and need that? Some people are willing to go to extreme measures to be a part of a family. And let’s face it…It gives me an excuse to have a good cry. After the week I’ve had, the tears flowed pretty easily.

I pulled a muscle in my leg, but thought it was a nerve so I went to see a chiropractor. He told me that I’m under a lot of stress (duh!) and that it’s going to come out in some form in my body. My L5 disc in my lower back and my C3 & C4 discs in my neck are out of whack. He adjusted me, and told me that I needed to baby my leg until it’s healed a little then he’ll show me some stretches to help strengthen it. He was very nice which is good since I need to see him again Wednesday.

My heart is still breaking for my friends that are contemplating divorce. I wish that I could explain why this is effecting me so much, but I can’t. I just plead for prayers on their behalf. They are making the wrong decision and Benny and I seem to be the only ones telling them so. We love them and want to be supportive and at the same time we want to hold them accountable as fellow believers. We know the details and believe strongly that they can work through this season of marriage, but they don’t want to. I’m at a loss for words. (which doesn’t happen often!) I love them so much!

Here’s the icing on this horrible cake. I may need to draw you a road map to help you navigate through the next paragraph. My biological father, Don, was not a part of my life until I was 20 and about to get married. Over the past 12 years we’ve been getting to know each other and have a pretty good relationship. This isn’t about him. This is about Jack. He was married to my mother before I was born, and he’s the father of my younger brothers. He wasn’t a good Dad for many reasons that I’ll not go into today, but he was the only Dad I knew growing up. He and my mother divorced when I was 12. Since then we’ve only had contact a few times. He did not come to my wedding and he’s never seen my children. Well, he remarried when I was in high school and so did my mom. He married a horrible woman with 5 kids, one of them named Nikki. (you following me so far?) I got a phone call this week telling me that Jack was arrested and is in jail for molesting Nikki’s oldest daughter who is 7. (deep breath)

I don’t know any details, and I’m not entirely sure if it’s true. Jack and Betty were getting divorced and this would be a great way to stick it to him. Yes, they are those kind of people. However, I’m the last person who would make light of sexual abuse. My emotions are on overload. Jack was never inappropriate with me. He tried to be good to me to the best of his ability, which wasn’t much. I have a hard time believing these allegations, but then again I don’t know him. He’s been absent from my life for so long – I don’t know who he is. So why does my heart ache the way it does? There was a time when he was MY Dad.

One of the things that drew me to Christianity was knowing I’d have a Father who would never hurt me, abuse me, or abandon me. Words cannot express how important this is to me. I have learned a lot about my earthly fathers since being covered with Christ’s blood. I have struggled with forgiveness towards both of them, but I have been able to do just that. I love them both.

I have a such a strong desire to get to know my father, Don, and we really do have a great relationship now, but I still feel like an outsider when I’m with his family. He and Shari, my wonderful step-mom, are terrific grandparents and they love Benny like a son. We have a great time when we’re together. Don’s siblings have accepted and welcomed me into their lives as well, and I was even blessed to get to know my Grandmother before she died. Don’s children are a different story. Our time together is awkward. They are friendly with us, but beyond that I have no idea how they feel. We have nothing in common other than we all have children. They do not share our faith and values, so that leaves me feeling odd too. (Dad & Shari do share that with us, and we pray that my siblings will accept God’s gift of salvation.)

I don’t desire a relationship with Jack. I do forgive him, and I really feel sorry for him, but I don’t want to get to know him all over again. I’m just praying that somehow, no matter how this story ends, he will come to know the forgiveness and love that only God gives. I pray also for Nikki and her family. If this is all true, how horrified she must be. I cannot promise I would not severely maim anyone who touched my baby girl inappropriately! I wouldn’t have the chance anyway because Benny would beat me to them! This all leaves me feeling like my heart is in my stomach, which makes me want to throw up! (deep sigh)

I serve an amazing God who works miracles all the time. I know He will hold me close as I sort through all of these emotions and feelings. He’ll show me what to do next, and give me the strength to do it. I am free to run into his waiting, willing arms! He is my true Father!

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We had a very safe trip to Colorado. No flat tires, cranky children, bad weather, or anything. We arrived on Wednesday, unloaded the truck and trailer, and crashed for the day! (BTW Nothing was broken.) We weren’t able to fit everything in the moving truck, so we rented a small trailer to pull behind the truck. Turns out it was too small and our neighbors made out like bandits on all of the stuff we had to leave behind. I thought I was beyond holding on so tightly to stuff. It’s like being slapped in the face realizing you’re back in Egypt when you’d convinced yourself you were in the desert halfway to the Promised Land. I’ll try to get over myself!

I had a great visit with my brother even though he teased me endlessly. I threatened to send him home by foot instead of by plane. He just laughed at me in the challenging way only he can. He was a big help and he needed the vacation. It all worked out great. He also took several pictures of the mountains he has come to love as much as I have. We even went out for our traditional Chinese lunch – just the two of us. I miss him being around to see my kids grow up, and I miss his teasing – though if you tell him that I will adamantly deny it!

We are busy settling in here at my in-laws who have been so generous to us and created a space just for our family. It’s just as much for their sanity too! It’s been hard getting acclimated this time, and baby Pete and I have been sick all weekend. Today Grampa Pete and Zoe have fevers too! Benny took Petey to the doctor this morning and he’s now on even more medication, this time for an infection in his eyes. He’s just been crying and sleeping and drinking – he doesn’t really want to eat much which is normal when you’re sick I guess. He’s miserable and that breaks my heart and makes me feel so helpless. Benny said today that Pete has been sick, broken out in hives, had severe eczema, or something to make him miserable 90% of his life. What an awful thought! Please God – make him well!

I haven’t blogged or emailed much since we got here. Between taking care of sick kids and myself, unpacking our stuff, and dial-up internet…I haven’t been in the mood! I need to be thankful they even have internet – it’s just that I got spoiled having broadband.

Benny just came back from town with Petey’s prescriptions, and he brought me chai from my favorite coffee shop! I’m lucky to be married to a thoughtful guy like him! He’s been loving on me and telling me I’m beautiful even though I know he’s lying! I have showered, but NO ONE looks good when they’re sick and miserable. Still, he likes me to hear it and I do!

I said I was going to post about the family that taught me how to say goodbye. Then I thought about it, and there have been several that have been teaching me that lesson. The details are awesome, but what it all comes down to is that they cared for my heart, shared something personal from themselves – not something that cost them nothing, and assured me that the relationship will continue even though we aren’t in the same state. I’d like to post the details, but some of them are private and I don’t want to leave anyone out and they think I’ve forgotten or am ungrateful. We had many friends make our departure from Wichita a pleasant experience. Thank you also to my blogging family for the many prayers during our transition.

Other prayer request updates:

The kids are still not sleeping through the night.

They did awesome at daycare while we packed the truck. Max especially was distraught when I told him he wouldn’t be attending Miss Janelle’s day care again.

The house hunting has begun and we have a few leads – so far too expensive!

I did receive encouragement by mail! YEAH! There’s nothing like seeing your name hand-written on an envelope by a beloved friend! I’m thankful for email, but I still prefer snail mail.

It’s sounds like my friend’s marriage will be ending soon. They are going to see a lawyer this week. My heart is broken for them, and for my family and how this will effect us. I can’t blog about this…Just continue to pray for them and us.

My posts won’t be so long now that I’ll be blogging regularly again. I’ve enjoyed reading my usual blogs for the past couple of hours! (In-laws are out of town for the day, so I can tie up the phone line for awhile.)

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I haven’t blogged in over a week! (maybe my addiction isn’t as serious as I thought) 🙂

Tomorrow is moving day and things have been hectic around here. My head is spinning from the pace we’ve been keeping. Between all of the tubs and boxes, meals with teens and friends, cleaning, and getting our ducks in a row, we’re all exhausted. Moving is NOT fun. It’s work!

Please keep us in your prayers as we all travel to Colorado and get settled in at my in-laws for the next 6 weeks. My brother Lennie is here from MN to lend his muscles and keep us company on the journey. He’s considered part of the family at my in-laws, so it will be a nice visit for them until he leaves on Saturday.

My prayer requests for the next week or so:

All 3 children to sleep through the night.

Safe travel and beautiful weather for the LONG drive to CO.

Nothing broken in the moving truck when we get there.

Overwhelming responses when we begin our follow-up calls for the support letters we’ve mailed out. More will be mailed next week.

Healing in my friend’s marriage.

Unexpected encouragement by mail.

Great prospects in our house hunting in the Denver area.

All 3 children to be on their best behavior at daycare tomorrow. (They’ve never done daycare, so none of us knows what to expect. The lady that runs it is a member at Westlink and I trust her, so no worries on that end. They’re even throwing Max a pizza party in the afternoon!)

Thank you to everyone who reads here and prays for my family. Someday when life returns to normal (as I know it) I’ll be able to blog normally too. Thanks for bearing with me during this phase of my journey! God bless you all! < Niki

P.S. My next post is about the family that taught me how to say good bye…

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Have you ever wanted to post something on your blog, gotten halfway through it and decided it was crap and deleted the whole thing?

Have you ever wanted to post something but were afraind certain people would read it and be offended so you decided against it?

Have you ever been so stinking mad at blogger for not letting you leave a comment on a blog?

Have you ever read someone’s blog, gotten so upset that you type away furiously then realized that if they are gutsy/stupid enough to post something so horrid, why would they care what you have to say about it?

Have you ever stayed up 3 hours past your normal bedtime to read what total strangers have to say on the web?

If you answered yes to any of the above…welcome to my week!

P.S. Max’s night terrors continue – every other night – UGH! Somebody help me!

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