Sometimes I Write

I was born exactly 33 years and 13 minutes ago, at Camp Pendleton in sunny California to hippie military parents. 🙂 (yeah, they’ll love reading that-oxymoron and all) What a life I’ve had so far! I know where I come from and I know where I’m going. I think that’s something to be proud of! Life has been funny, sad, horrific, and joyful…and that’s just today!

Benny and Max left for TX early this morning. I thought I’d get to blog a bit before the other kids woke up, but 30 minutes after they left, I heard Petey (17 mos. old) in the livingroom. I walked out there to get him and there he stood with his finger up his nose. He saw me and said “booger” and tried to show me his finger. (gross – thanks for making me a boy mom, God!) He said “yuuuuucky!” to which I agreed and got him a tissue. We cuddled for a bit on the couch then Zoe joined us and we had breakfast. I had Pete desensitized to some allergens this week, so I gave him a little bit of milk on his corn chex – the only cereal he’s NOT allergic to. Within minutes he was breaking out in hives all over his body. UGH!!! The milk desensitization did NOT work. Good thing I own stock in Benadryl! 😉 jk.

I cleaned all morning which I didn’t think was fair since it was my birthday. Somebody had to do it. (martyr sigh) I decided to take the kids outside for awhile before the temp reached 130 or whatever it was today. I cleaned on the patio while they played with sandbox sand we had brought home from a camp activity. We have no sandbox so I poured it into a shallow tub. A few minutes later I heard a strange noise behind me and turned around to see Petey choking. He had poured a cup full of play sand down his throat and couldn’t breathe. There was no sound of moving air, just him frantically wiping his tongue- which wasn’t working. Play sand does not get slimy like regular dirt. It expands and clumps up. I grabbed him and stuck my finger down his throat to scoop out whatever I could. There was A LOT of sand in that tiny space, and he was turning purple! I repeated it until he could breathe again and throw up on me. I grabbed a bottle of water and dumped some in his mouth. I knew it would choke him a bit, but my goal was to get the airway clear all the way and choking/spitting seems to help that sometimes. I got his mouth cleaned out and had him drink the water. He didn’t even cry! After he was o.k. he looked at me and said, “yucky!” I almost cried. Did I mention that Zoe was oblivious to the whole episode? That means if I hadn’t been standing right there, he would have died. Even if Zoe had been paying attention, what’s a 2 1/2 year old going to do? I’m very surprised at how calm I remained during the whole thing. Now retelling it, I’m a bit shaky. A friend called a few minutes later and I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him what had just happened. Temporary shock I guess. I called Benny right after that and told him I’m not letting Petey out of my sight again until he’s 21. Choking shouldn’t be a problem by then.

One of the DB interns, Tricia, came over to spend the afternoon with us since it was her day off. I got to slip away by myself for an hour which was a nice treat. We had a good talk before I left and discovered that we both went to York, though she’s a senior at ACU this year, and I graduated 13 years ago. (us Yorkies are everywhere)

Tricia also watched the kids while I went out for supper with a new friend from one of the churches we’ve been visiting. (See? another answered prayer) This woman and I had so much in common it was amazing! We had so much fun laughing and talking you never would have guessed that we’ve only met a few times before. We clicked. Praise God! She took me home just in time for Tricia to leave to meet some of her friends, and Jonathan and Jennifer to come over for a visit with baby Judah (8 weeks old). I love having them over to our house. We talked and talked and talked…you get the picture. For those of you who have been reading here since the beginning, they are the couple we were supposed to start DB Boulder with. BTW, they are currently looking for a youth ministry position and are unsure about their future direction. Please add them to your prayer lists.

It’s been a long day. Just ask Petey. You can find him curled up in my bed instead of his own. He’s not sleeping well tonight (keeps running to my room), which means I probably won’t either.

Benny and Max arrived safely in Tulsa to spend the night with friends, then it’s on to San Antonio tomorrow. I’m a bit jealous that I couldn’t go, but before I go recalling the pre-children trips of our youth, I’ll just be thankful that I have three to enjoy, protect, laugh with and at, and love. I’m still jealous that Benny gets to meet/see a few of my blogging friends before I do. (like TMK) How’s that fair? :)- He’s preaching at Northside C of C, both services on Sunday. That’s where our friend Adam is the y.m. Ironically, Adam (with a group of 25 teens and adults) is on his way to Colorado to climb a mountain. Pray for him too. Remember, he broke a bone in his foot at Zenith. He’s healing well, and he’ll be fine. He commented that maybe there’s a reason why he needed to be slowed down before/for this trip. Our friend Chris gets back from Mexico tomorrow. I can’t wait to hear how his group did this past week. Check out his new blog here.

Have I mentioned how blessed I am?

Thank you Lord for the best, most faith-growing year yet!

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I am inspired by this woman. I was led to her blog by Mike. She’s a single mother of two young girls and she’s fighting an uphill battle against melanoma. Please pray for her and her family, and check out her blog for yourself at www.kcjlane.blogspot.com
Just in case you’re not a blogsurfer, here is her most recent post:

Dancing With God

When i meditated on the word Guidance, i kept seeing “dance” at the end of the word.

i remember reading that doing God’s will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.

The movement doesn’t flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another.

It’s as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other.

My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.

When i saw “G”: i thought of God, followed by “u” and “i”.

“God”, “u” and “i” “dance.” God, you, and i dance.

As i lowered my head, i became willing to trust that i would get guidance about my life.

Once again, i became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God’s blessings and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God as God abides in you.

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of your life.

Prayer is one of the best gifts we can receive.

There is no cost but lots of rewards; so let’s continue to pray for one another.

i hope you dance…and let Him lead!

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Benny and I were talking about friendship this morning and he told me I need a drinking buddy. lol (For me that means Chai or cherry vanilla Coke.) I told him that my “drinking buddy” lives about 2 1/2 hours from here and yes, a trip to see her was in order. He said he meant someone here in the same town. I told him I didn’t know anyone well enough yet to just call at the spur of the moment like I did in past places we’ve lived and besides, I like the friends I have. There’s already a built in trust there. Would you believe he started quoting scripture at me? I rolled my eyes at him and he said he was serious. Here’s what he paraphrased:

“Never abandon a friend – either yours or your father’s. Then in your time of need, you won’t have to ask your relatives for assistance. It is better to go to a neighbor than to a relative who lives far away.” Proverbs 27:10 NLT

The NIV says it like this: “…better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.” the footnote says “Do not fail a friend in need; when in need rely on friendship rather than on mere family relationships. Brother far away could mean either physically or emotionally.

He said, “It’s the whole community thing Niki. You’re not always going to have someone far away to talk to, and God wants you to make friends right here, get involved, whatever.” We talked for awhile about the importance of community and how hard it is to find or build sometimes. Community is what our family is all about. We believe it is in that context that needs get met, people know they matter, and the love of God is shared. Community is not age-segregated either. The young have things to teach the old and vice versa, so why constantly separate them? Community is something I believe we all long for. A place to fit in, contribute, and be loved. Sadly we have rarely found it in the churches we’ve attended. We had pseudo-community. We contributed and we were loved (by some), but we never quite fit in. Maybe that’s because as a paid staff member you’re not treated normally by the congregation. It’s very different than choosing to attend a church just because. There are expectations launched from every side, you have to “earn your keep” so to speak. With some there is this invisible barrier erected between the ministers and the rest of the flock. It can be placed there by either party, but it’s there. I have been guilty of that myself. Or maybe we didn’t fit in because we’re weird. Or maybe because we were there to challenge the status quo and that always makes people uncomfortable. Evidently we don’t do “high church” very well. But, everywhere we’ve lived we had a few families that were really family to us too. I believe God placed them in our lives and they were and continue to be huge blessings to us.

Community isn’t, or shouldn’t be about what you wear, what you look like, what you have pierced or tattooed, which version of the bible you prefer, if you sit in the front or the back, being in the same tax bracket, etc. Community is and should be who you are, what you proclaim, how you love, and how you serve – together. Community to me is a bunch of people of various ages and interests coming together to form a group that is really extended family. Worshipping together, attending soccer games and choir concerts of the kids in the family, celebrating special occasions together, taking a genuine interest in each other’s lives. Not just coming to a building once or twice a week to meet together, do your thing, and going your separate ways until the next time the doors are open. It’s hard! We’re all so busy.

How does this tie all together? I have no trouble making new friends. My problem is at this time in my life, I don’t want surface friendships with women I’m only going to see on Sundays. I want to be part of a real community. If I can’t find it, I’ll create it. There are two friends from college here in Denver that I’d like to get to know all over again. I have a few youth ministry friends here as well. My mentor friend Linda (my drinking buddy) lives in Buena Vista, but it’s not too far away to visit her. I never want to let go of my friends that are far away, and I hope our relationships continue to grow as we do, but it is time to put down some roots and make some friends here, and not depend on my far away friends so much when I’m lonely and need “girltime” or “momtime”. I’m going to bloom where I’ve been planted! To do that, I have to tend to my garden here, cultivate my face to face friendships, and please, no fertilizer jokes! 🙂

Father, I am tremendously blessed with a great group of men and women to call friends! Thank you Lord for this gift in my life. Help me to be the encouragement and light that you want me to be, and please lead me to my new friends here in Denver. I place my trust in you alone. Amen.

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I’ve been debating whether or not I should blog about this. First I decided no because it’s an emotional and touchy subject for me, and because looking back at my last few posts I noticed they haven’t been very uplifting. Secondly, I seem to have zero blogging etiquette and don’t know if there are things you just shouldn’t be sharing about in cyberspace. How personal is too personal? My personal space is pretty wide and deep. It’s actually a defense mechanism I learned at a very young age, and it works for me. Lay it on the line, stare it in the face, dissect it, accept, reject it, or chew on it for awhile and move on. From another angle it looks like this: be transparent, always let them know what you think and how you feel, honesty with others AND self is the best policy for survival and the path of least pain. Even with my husband there was no gradual getting to know the deep and personal stuff. I told him EVERYTHING on the first date. I figured if it scared him off then he wasn’t the guy for me. Thank God it worked out! lol

In a way it’s strange that I feel the need to pre-qualify a post with you, my blogging friends. You keep coming back here despite my silliness, imperfections, and growing pains. Is it possible these are the things that bind us together as friends? We are all on a journey. I’m so relieved to know that we don’t all stumble on the road at the same time. I have appreciated your comments, support and prayers over everything I’ve posted about so far which is why I’m willing to lay my heart out in the open with you today. Please don’t think all of my future posts will have this serious nature. Not everything effects me like this subject…

The day after we got home from camp this week I received a letter in the mail. WE (whole family) have been turned down for our health insurance policy that we applied for because of MY weight. Yes, that’s what the letter said. I am so humiliated! I am extremely overweight, I know, but I’m also very healthy (I’m not making excuses). Other than 3 c-sections in the last six years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve needed ANY medical attention since I gained all of this weight. My cholesterol and blood pressure are normal which surprises people sometimes. My heart is healthy. My body is fine other than carrying around an extra 100 pounds or so. I know this weight can cause problems in the future, so I’m working on it.

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life, even though I haven’t always been fat. I was athletic throughout childhood and on into college. I played fastpitch softball on and off from 7th grade until junior year at York. I played soccer on and off from the age of 9 until Freshmen year at York when I was injured and quit the team. I still have killer calve muscles, but the rest of me has gone downhill. When I stopped playing sports, the weight came on quickly as it was accompanied by depression following the break up of my life – the guy I thought I was supposed to marry dumped me. My mother has battled anorexia and bulimia, and has been very conscious of my weight for me. I think her struggle with weight became my struggle too, though I dealt with it differently. She would tell me about all of the latest diets, even buying some and mailing them to me. Before you think her cruel, like I did for awhile, she really was trying to help the only way she knew how. I’m glad I came to terms with that.

If you are female you know my pain. I have NEVER met a woman who didn’t struggle, or atleast worry about her weight. Our society treats overweight women horribly so it’s a fear for most girls/women to gain any extra pounds. Don’t believe me? Check out some statistics concerning the number of girls and women across the country who are in treatment programs for the conditions I mentioned, trying to get their lives back or just trying to survive. Or how about the women who exercise themselves to death not to be healthy, but to fit an image put up for us all to mimic. Mrs. Perfect body is on every magazine cover in every store you enter. Until recently even stores that sell plus size clothing used skinny models! Not only are women expected to fit the size, men see these same ads and expect us to also. Weight is an issue for men too, I’m not trying to say if you’re male you’re a pig for thinking us women have to be skinny supermodel types. As a matter of fact, every male in my life treats me GREAT regardless of my size. I’m just saying it’s a problem.

Our nation as a whole has a weight problem that is growing faster than ever. And I’m part of it. There is no good excuse for obesity. There are many causes and reasons, both emotional and health wise, but no good excuses. I have many overweight friends and we agonize over the problem together everytime we ask for prayers and support, and even when we don’t talk about it at all. It makes me angry to hear a woman complain about the extra 5-10 pounds of baby fat she hasn’t lost yet 2 months after the baby is born while I have tried every diet on the planet in the past 12 years and failed. I’ve been on the weight loss rollercoaster forever and I’m SOOOOOO ready to get off!

Now for the Hope part: I may have found a solution! My friend Laurie read a book last year called The Insulin Resistant Diet, by Cheryle R. Hart, M.D. and Mary Kay Grossman, R.D.. When she called me to tell me about it, we did the self-test together over the phone. The book said having three or more symptoms meant you probably are insulin resistant, and I had 14! (For you moms out there, I never had gestational diabetes or any problems with my glucose tests when pregnant) I was shocked because I had never even heard of it before. I was also skeptical – remember I’m the queen of diet failures. Well, I borrowed the book from her and never read it. I wanted to see if it made a difference in her first. (don’t call me a chicken!:)) She finally asked for it back because I had it for so long. Laurie began the eating plan called the link and balance eating method this past November. As of today, she has lost 101 pounds, and she looks and feels great! (since November!!!) Well, she mailed the book to me again and I’m finally reading it. It makes a lot of sense to me and I’m beginning to follow the plan myself.

Here’s where YOU come in. I can’t do this alone. I am begging for your prayers and encouragement during this difficult (but not impossible) transition time. It’s not easy changing eating habits, but I know I can do it. I want to do it. I need to do it. The more people who know about it, the more accountability I have in my mind. You don’t have to start leaving me comments about it, though you can if you want to, I just want you to think positive thoughts for me and talk to God about me and my struggle. Pray for my faith, courage, and most importantly my perseverance. This comes in the middle of a summer full of challenges, attacks from Satan, and tremendous blessings from the Lord. I know I can do this with the strength that comes from Him.

I feel a little embarrassed about my guy friends reading this. Women do not talk to men about this issue because of embarrassment, shame, and fear. Let me just say one of the reasons I love you like brothers (you know who you are) is you love me like a sister and treat me like one. You never treat me like I’m less because of my weight and even when you do tease me about stuff, you protect my feelings. You’ll never know just how much that means to me. Even if this whole post makes you uncomfortable, I know I can count on you for prayers too.

I’ll give updates now and then as to how things are going, but I’ll try to be a little more light-hearted with my posts. This has been exhausting creating this one. Thanks for reading it. We have applied with a different insurance carrier so we’ll see what happens next.

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To add to my prayer list from yesterday, Benny is sick. He went to bed when the kids did, so I’ve been catching up on my blog reading.

I love reading about other moms and their adventures with their own kids. I love reading all of my favorites as listed in my new blogroll. I love checking out new blogs that I know I had a hand in getting started. I love laughing at the antics of my friends, the ones I actually know from outside of blogland. I love pointing you in the direction of the blogs that have been and are life changing for me.

Tonight I’m sending you to Larry James. I’ve posted about this amazing man before and I’ll probably do so again in the future. Playing catch up on his blog is HARD. Many tears, much hope, and sighs of understanding await me when I visit. Check him out!

www.larryjamesurbandaily.blogspot.com

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