Sometimes I Write

Yesterday morning we had a surprise visit at our home. We had just finished a late breakfast and were busy cleaning up and getting ready for our day when we heard a siren outside. It sounded like a fire engine coming down our street and my heart skipped a beat as I wondered what was wrong and which neighbor it was for. I could tell it was moving slowly, which puzzled me. I peeked out the kitchen window and couldn’t see anything, but the siren and now the horn blowing was getting louder. What the heck was going on? Benny put his shoes on to go investigate, and just as he was walking out the door I saw it. A big red fire truck was turning the corner onto our street. “Kids! It’s Santa!”, I screamed. There he was riding on top of the fire engine! We ran outside in time to be greeted by his firemen helpers who were walking alongside the truck handing out bags of candy to the children who came outside for the private little parade. Did I mention it was 17 degrees outside? Those firemen were all smiles as they waved to the kids, who were waving at Santa. I was holding Pete who was in awe, maybe even in shock. 🙂 He had never been that close to a fire engine before, and the noise of the horn was incredibly loud. He stared suspiciously at the whole scene, but finally waved at Santa after he had passed by our house. Benny was holding Zoe, and I don’t know what happened to Max, but he missed it. He came outside as the truck headed around the corner up the side street. I had asked for a bag of candy for him too, so he was pretty happy.

We thought it was so awesome that our little part of the city took the time and effort to make the season special for the kids in our neighborhood. Three cheers for the firemen and our city for their gifts! I’ll have to send them a thank you note!

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To answer Char’s question…

1-2-3 Magic is a program that teaches effective discipline for children 2-12. The author is Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. and his program was the winner of the 1999 National Parenting Publications Gold Award. We first heard about it from a friend right after Max was born (in 1999 – ha). Our church put on the program for adults during our VBS the next summer. Our children have been raised using this discipline method, and I can tell you that for our family, and many others we know, it really works. I wanted to give you a brief description of the program, but for more information visit www.ThomasPhelan.com or check your local library and bookstores for his books and videos.

Here’s what you learn with 1-2-3 Magic:

How to get your kids to STOP doing what you don’t want them to do (arguing, whining, tantrums, sibling rivalry, etc.)

How to encourage your kids to START doing what you want them to do (cleaning rooms, going to bed, homework, etc.)

How to avoid the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome

How to handle misbehavior in public

How to deal with the Six kinds of Testing and Manipulation

Ten steps for building self-esteem

Teachers: How to maintain control in your classroom

We were impressed with the program when it worked with Max almost immediately. It has also been used successfully with learning disabled, attention deficit and emotionally disturbed children as well as the visually and hearing impaired. Here’s how it works…well…just the basics. I’ll use Max as my example. If Max is arguing with me, I would say, “Max,that’s one.” If he continues to argue or whine, I would say, “that’s two.” If he still won’t stop, I’d say, “that’s three – time out for arguing with me”. Or if the offense is really bad, he gets a spanking. At the 3rd opportunity to make the right choice, there is a consequence. My children rarely get to “3”, and we enjoy hearing from others that they are impressed that our children are so well-behaved.

Let me just say that this program works for OUR FAMILY. Although I would recommend it to everyone I know, I also know there are other discipline programs out there that work really well for other families. I believe the key to any discipline program is CONSISTENCY. What I like about 1-2-3 MAGIC is the simplicity of the program, and that it eliminates two things: too much talking, and too much emotion. Coming from an abusive situation myself, those two things are VERY important to me. It is when the emotions run high that parents fly out of control and go too far, moving from “discipline” to abuse. I know the destructiveness of this cycle and don’t want to EVER repeat history. When I learned this program, it brought me a lot of peace, especially when I saw it work with my child who could barely talk yet. The rules of No-talking and No-emotions really work, and now I don’t even have to be near Max to count him. Usually when he does something he knows he shouldn’t do, he’ll look at me to see if I’ve noticed. I look at him from across the room (say, at church) and hold up my index finger and he knows that he’s been counted to one. My darling daughter makes me count to two everytime. (I wonder where she gets that from??) Even Pete who is almost two years old, knows 1-2-3. There is no “magic” in the 1-2-3 MAGIC program, but it works.

The criticism I’ve heard from friends that use other forms of discipline is that children shouldn’t get two chances to be obedient. Benny and I see it as giving them the opportunity to make the right choice, even if it takes more than one try. (It takes us more than one try sometimes, doesn’t it?) Ofcourse there are offenses that make us skip over the 1 & 2 and go straight to the consequence. But it’s rare at our house. I wouldn’t dream of telling someone that their discipline style was inferior to mine, like a lady at one of the churches we attended told me. I was counting Max one day at church and she verbally attacked me and told me how he would take advantage of having more than one chance to correct his behavior, then told me all about what she uses and why it is better than 1-2-3. I felt like she was trying to put me in my place in front of another friend, and I was furious. A few weeks later we found a book on her chosen discipline style on Benny’s desk in his office. Coincidence? Doubt it. We left it there when we moved. 🙂 Find what works for you and your family, and keep yourself from criticizing what may work for someone else. We parents need all the encouragement we can get.

Dr. Phelan has written several books. I am only familiar with the first three. Here they are:

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behavior, Independence and Self-Esteem

“I Never Get Anything!” How to keep Your Kids From Running Your Life

Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go of Your 13-18 Year Olds

Self-Esteem Revolutions in Children: Understanding and Managing the Critical Transitions in Your Child’s Life

All About Attention Deficit Disorder: Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment

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Jetty Betty did this yesterday, and I haven’t done anything like this in awhile, so here goes:

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Visit Scotland, Brazil, and New Zealand
2. Ride in a hot air balloon
3. Write a book
4. Design (and have made) my own wardrobe
5. Build my dream home complete with a 2-story library
6. Give away atleast a million dollars to charity
7. Live to enjoy my grandchildren

Seven things I can not (or will not) do:
1. Cheat on my husband
2. Eat anything I consider gross – No Fear Factor for me!
3. Move back to Wisconsin
4. Sink into debt
5. Learn to knit
6. Believe everything I read or see
7. Quit blogging

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. His sexiness – duh!
2. His kindred spirit and tender heart
3. His hilarious sense of humor
4. His smile
5. His love for and commitment to me and our children
6. His perseverance and dependence on God
7. His tattoo 🙂

Seven things I say most often:
1. Not right now! (I have 3 children, remember)
2. I love you honey!
3. Hello? (I love my cell)
4. It’s ready! (My mealtime call)
5. That’s 1! (1-2-3-Magic – our discipline program)
6. Turn the t.v. off.
7. Good grief!

Seven books (or series) I love:
1. Love Comes Softly series by Jeannette Oak
2. The Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
3. Anne of Green Gables series by L.M. Montgomery
4. Anything by Jane Austen
5. The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien (the ending in the book is better)
6. Anything by Max Lucado
7. The many magazines I subscribe to…

Seven movies I could watch over and over again: (I have and I will)
1. Anything by Jane Austen – Especially Sense and Sensibility
2. Return to Me
3. The Count of Monte Cristo
4. Mrs. Winterbourne
5. Anne of Green Gables (all 3)
6. Man in the Iron Mask
7. Treasure Planet (yes, I’m serious)

Seven people I want to join in too: (But they probably won’t 🙂
1. Angi
2. Adam
3. Peach
4. Jinny
5. Natalie
6. Kevin
7. Benny (He never will)

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Just the sight of her makes me want to run as fast as I can for the other exit at Walmart. Every week I do my grocery shopping there, and about twice a month Rose stops me at the door. I know her by her name tag, gray hair, and the familiar, “Can I see your receipt?” Tonight was no exception. As I headed towards the door I turned the corner and there she was just waiting for me. She made her usual request and I had to bite my tongue to keep from blurting out, “Are you kidding me??” There were plenty of other shoppers leaving the store in front and in back of me, but she stopped ME. Is this a conspiracy? Does she really not remember me from the last time? Is she just irritated that I shop with my own bags? They’re really cool, from Sam’s club, and they keep your food cold up to six hours – which is good since that’s how long it takes Rose to look through the contents of my cart.

I handed her my receipts – I always have two – one for food, and one for supplies, or non-food items. She looks the supplies receipt over and hands it back to me. I put it in my purse. She then begins to read the other one, and poke around in my bag. “Where’s your milk?” she asks. I sigh and tell her it’s in the bottom of the cart behind the big freezer bag. She can’t take my word for it and walks around the cart to check for herself. Then she takes the bag on top, which contains a $3.00 basketball hoop for Petey’s birthday and says, “I don’t see this on your receipt.” Is she kidding me?? I pull the other receipt out of my purse and tell her AGAIN that all of the non-food items are on the receipt she already checked. I’m thinking, “Am I being profiled or what?” I had already decided that if she asked me to empty the contents of my freezer bag I would bid her a polite “No” and “Goodnight”.

Here are my theories:
1. She works for Dave Ramsey and is checking my receipt to see if I actually paid cash for my purchases. (Just finished the 13 week class)
2. In the past I offended her in some way while I tried to hurry past her.
3. Someone needed to give her something to do so they posted her at the door to harass poor innocent mothers who unsuccessfully shop late at night to avoid the crowds.
4. She used to work for Sam’s Club and can’t quite let go of the receipt checking habit.
5. God is answering my prayer for patience. See if I pray for that anymore! 🙂

Alas, I made it home before sunrise and decided the story was good blogging fodder.

**I appreciate all of the comments on my last post, and I posted another one myself if you’re interested in reading it. Thanks!**

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Lastnight my friend Tricia and I went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. We really enjoyed it. It was visually fascinating, and I’ve enjoyed watching Harry, Ron, and Hermione grow up and into themselves. Once again it was plain for me to to see the Christian parallels and lessons that can be pulled out of the story. I can’t wait for Benny to see it so we can discuss it. It was an enjoyable experience with the exception of one thing. The family sitting behind us. A mother brought her young son (Maybe 4 years old) and he was scared during several of the intense and/or scary scenes. Tricia isn’t a mother, but she agreed with me that the movie was totally inappropriate for young children. Even the movie ratings system says so, not that you can trust that all the time. This poor little boy didn’t outright cry, but he kept whining that things on the screen were scary and though I couldn’t see him, I’m sure he was hiding his eyes quite a bit. I can think of atleast 10 things in the movie that would stress my six year old out, if not totally freak him out and give him nightmares for weeks. My child is not a sissy, but he’s very tenderhearted and doesn’t handle seeing people/animals get hurt very well – and I’m glad. Every time there was a tense moment, my frustration with this mother grew. It was obvious to everyone within a 10 seat radius that this little boy should have been taken out of the theater, but ofcourse what can you say to a parent about it? It was HER decision to make.

I had a discussion with a friend this summer who wanted to know if Max had seen Batman Begins yet. I was surprised and told her no – and he wasn’t going to until he was older. She had taken another friend’s little boy – same age as Max, and he loved it. Though Benny and I loved it, we didn’t feel it was age appropriate for Max. The scarecrow alone would have caused nightmares. We discussed how Max is tenderhearted and she suggested that what he can’t handle maybe another 5 year old could. After much thought, I totally disagree. The movie was NOT made for children even though the merchandise was marketed to them. Max got most of the Batman Begins weapons for his birthday and he loves them. He didn’t have to see the movie to enjoy them. He has seen Batman cartoons, so he kind of knows how they are used – to help people. We have rules at our house about weapons because we also have real ones used in martial arts. We have been known to keep him from certain cartoons and t.v. shows because they were too violent or contained questionable material for his young mind.
On another occasion, I was upset when Max came home from a friend’s house in Wichita and told me all about the movie Spiderman. We had decided that it was too intense for him to watch just yet, especially because of the green goblin and the blood, yet my neighbor lets her kids watch whatever they want and assumed I did the same. We had a talk and she agreed that in the future she’d check with me first before letting the boys watch a movie.
I also remember early in our marriage going to see Jurassic Park, another movie made for adults but marketed to kids. There was a mother with two small children who cried through part of the movie because they were scared. This mother kept slapping them and telling them to be quiet so she could watch the movie. Looking back I wish I would have said something to her – especially about the hitting – and Benny was probably surprised that I didn’t. Instead I think I just shook my head in disgust and tried to ignore them all because what else could I do? Some people are just idiots.

I have a huge problem with marketing to kids in general – they don’t have the buying power, or the common sense to check things out and make informed decisions. Movie memorabilia is no exception.

I think whether or not a movie is appropriate is up to the parent, and the movie rating system is just a GUIDELINE. However, there has to be some responsibility exercised here. Movies that are made for adults are NOT appropriate for children, regardless of their age. A six year old should not be sitting in a PG-13 or R movie. It got that rating for a reason. Have we forgotten that PG stand for “Parental guidance suggested”? Where’s the guidance in that? And also, the rating system has changed so much over the years. What was once considered to be rated R is now PG-13. Then there was the addition of the rating NC-17. Come on people. Do I really want to exercise that “freedom of choice” at the expense of desensitizing my children to things that SHOULD scare and horrify them? Should I let my kids watch a movie just because “they can handle it”? I don’t think so. Not everything they Can do is beneficial for them.

We try to check out movies on www.screenit.com before letting our kids watch them. The website isn’t a movie review, it tells you about any cussing, nudity, disrespectful attitudes, violence, blood/gore, intense scenes, etc. We also ask friends who have already seen the movie in question. We try to be well-informed and if we still wonder, we see it before letting Max see it.

We want to take Max to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. We’ve been reading the book with him and we borrowed the BBC version from the library and Benny watched it with the kids lastnight while Tricia and I were at the theater. (We saw them a few years ago and knew they were o.k. – if not a bit slow.) Anyway, we have heard from a few people about the intenseness of the battle scene and the stone table scene. We also read a review that said those scenes might be a bit intense for a 7 or 8 year old. Max knows what happens, but will the moviemaking magic frighten him or put him on edge? We’ve already decided to see it first before allowing Max to go, but I’m interested to hear from you what you think about these scenes? I’ve already solicited the opinion of a friend who took his daughter to see it, and I’m waiting to hear from him. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this…

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