Sometimes I Write

I’m starting to see a correlation here between PMS and feelings of nostalgia. It’s sometimes painful, lasts for days, and in my case often happens simultaneously. I don’t mean to offend. I’m just speaking some truth here. I’ve been in touch lately with several girls I have mentored through the years. One is a mommy of three now and doing well – she started out a pregnant teenager in our youth group, Benny performed her wedding when many thought it was a mistake. It’s strange swapping mommy stories with her now but I love it. One is beginning college at ACU this week and I couldn’t be more proud of the young woman that she is. She is a world changer! One is searching out who she is and what she is meant to do – she has amazing possibilities opening up before her and boy is she overflowing with talent and charisma! Here’s the painful part…One is suicidal and I can’t seem to reach her. It’s been several months now since we’ve spoken. I don’t know how to help her from 5 states away and she doesn’t seem to be turning to me anymore. I pray there is someone else in her life that will love her and value her and show her how beautiful she is – though she won’t believe them. Pray for her and for me that I will do what I can, then carefully leave her in God’s hands. One is recovering from a very serious car accident and you’ve been praying for her. Thank you!

There’s another correlation on my mind as well. I’ve been visiting the blogs of some of my favorite speakers, preachers, and writers. All of them at one time or another, and in some cases- all the time, feel inadequate, feel fear, and some even have physical symptoms when they speak. These people were called by God to speak to the masses through sermons, seminars, and books, yet they suffer through it. So I’m not alone.

I received the flyer advertising my speaking engagement in OKC next month. I saw my picture on this professional looking flyer and burst into tears. I was completely overwhelmed and had to call a friend to calm me down. Talking is how I work through things and it was amazing to hear the exact same word come out of two different friend’s mouths when I know they don’t even know each other…AND they both said outloud, “Is this from you God?” before they told me what they were thinking. God is so good. Let me explain…

Those of you that have been here awhile have heard me say many times that I know I have the deep need to be heard. I used to cry out to God as a kid, teenager, and even many times as an adult that nobody listens to me. I told him that if He ever gave me a message to share (besides the obvious one about Jesus, duh!) that I would share it – if only people would listen. Really I share it whether or not people listen, but that’s o.k. too. It’s probably more truthful to say that I begged him for a message to share. I have been doing just that through the women he has placed in my life and through the girls he’s placed in my path to love on and mentor. Well, God has been shaking me up, molding and shaping me to do this on a bigger scale…preparing me for this very moment and now that it’s here, I’m scared to death! Will my fear stop me? Ofcourse not! But satan sure is enjoying trying to tie me into knots…whispering to me that I’m not worthy of being asked to speak, that who am I to speak on beauty, and many other little nasty lies I’m fighting off. I’m not fishing for compliments here, o.k.? I’m trying to share my heart as openly and honestly as I can to help me defeat and deflate the enemy and the hold he aims to have on me.

I have repeatedly emailed friends requesting prayers for this, and a small part of me wants these women I’m going to speak to to think that I’m a professional and totally amazing without a fear in the world. So much for being REAL huh? The naked truth is that I’m only worthy because God has put it on my heart and in my path to do this. He has been wooing me and showing me my true beauty for the past year, and I’m falling in love with Him in a way that I’ve longed for my whole life. He could choose a tall skinny blonde woman with a sweet southern drawl to speak the same words, but he chose me…5 foot seven, overweight, red-headed with a temper and a mouth to match. And I know I’m beautiful. That just sounds crazy.

Have you ever heard it said that it is not failure that we fear, but success? We don’t do ourselves or anyone else any favors when we try to dim our own lights so we won’t stick out among the crowd. I was made to stick out. I know it, God did it, and I’m trying to accept it. Even if I’m never asked to speak at a big function again, I know I have found my voice, and I know others are listening, and I know I’ll never stop speaking the message God has for me.

“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last…” Matthew 15:16

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Thank you all for your continued prayers for my friends, the Turner family. I received this email from Dean today:

Kathie and I are so appreciative of the prayers and support which have come to our children since their accident on August 7th. I thought I would take a moment to do an update about their current status.

Tana was discharged home on Thursday (8/17). The improvements she has gone through in the last week have been amazing. We are convinced the many prayers going up for her healing are the reason. Though she is still unable to do some things for herself due to her arm and collar bone, she is able to get up out of bed on her own and take short walks. Her face, too, has improved tremendously. Those who came to visit her a week ago are truly amazed (as are we) at her progress.

Brandon is no longer on the ventilator and was moved out of Neuro ICU late Friday (8/18) afternoon. He now has a Trach (which gives quick airway access in an emergency) and a feeding tube. They have also repaired his broken foot. To look at him, it is hard to imagine that there is anything seriously wrong with him. His brain injury is, of course, very serious. His doctors are very cautious in making any kind of definitive prognosis at this time. They do say that they expect him to wake up at some point, though, they don’t know when. As to what his condition will be at that time, we will just have to wait.

Kathie and I are thankful for the progress so far and give praise to God for his loving care. We continue to solicit your prayers on Brandon and Tana’s behalf. As their parents, we pray for healing. We have found that placing their care in God’s loving hands has been a great comfort to us.

Dean and Kathie Turner

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I read this article online this morning. It is scary to me that the government can step in and with drastic measures try to take away your rights as a parent. I am glad things worked out the way they did for this family and I’ll pray for them as they face the long road ahead. Go Abe!!!

Court TV August 16, 2006
By Harriet Ryan

ACCOMAC, Va. — Social services authorities dropped neglect charges against the parents of a 16-year-old cancer patient who refused chemotherapy after the boy and his family agreed to treatment by an oncologist supportive of their embrace of alternative medicine. The settlement avoided a trial, set to begin Wednesday, in which the Accomack County Department of Social Services sought to force the teenager, Starchild Abraham Cherrix, into a hospital to undergo chemotherapy and radiation treatment for Hodgkin’s disease.

Under an agreement reached late Tuesday and announced in Circuit Court Wednesday morning by the judge who was to hear the case, Abraham, as he is known, and his parents consented to treatment by Dr. Arnold Smith, the medical director of the North Central Mississippi Regional Cancer Center in Greenwood. Smith is known for incorporating alternative approaches into conventional cancer treatment, according to the facility’s Web site. Judge Glen Tyler took pains to emphasize Smith’s mainstream qualifications, including board- certification in oncology, training at the Mayo Clinic and a medical degree from the University of Tennessee.

The settlement was hailed by all sides as the best possible outcome for a case that has attracted nationwide attention, much of it sympathetic to the Cherrix family.

“We each did our own independent verification [of Smith], and this is in Abraham’s best interest. The outcome [of a trial] was far from certain and the spotlight itself can have a negative influence on his health,” said William McKee, a lawyer for the state social services, after court. Standing with his parents, Jay and Rose, in front of the courthouse, Abraham Cherrix called the agreement a victory for his family and for alternative medicine. After his first course of chemotherapy was ineffective, he rejected his oncologist’s recommendation for a second, more intense round in favor of a sugar-free diet and regimen of herbal supplements prescribed by a controversial Mexican clinic. His oncologist reported his parents to social services for medical neglect.

“I’m very happy about today. I’m very happy about this outcome. We won. We got our freedom back,” the lanky teenager told reporters. He and his father met with Smith in Mississippi Friday and discussed several treatment plans. The court agreement does not mandate a particular course of treatment, although Smith is required to send Abraham’s medical charts to the judge and social services every three months. Asked if he would continue with the herbal treatment, which is known as the Hoxsey Method and is banned by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, Abraham replied, “Absolutely.” He said he was open to radiation treatment if the alternative method “doesn’t work down the road,” but would continue to refuse chemotherapy.

“No, no chemo. It’s not in the treatment plan whatsoever,” he said. The effects of chemotherapy were so debilitating that he could not walk and worried he would not survive additional treatments, he has said. His father said Smith had assured him that he would not pursue treatments to which the family objected. “His credo is that the patient runs the place, not the doctor,” Jay Cherrix said. Smith did not immediately return a call seeking comment.

Abraham’s lawyer, Barry Taylor, who along with co-counsel John Stepanovich handled the case pro bono, said the agreement should reassure parents in Virginia that their right to decide what is best for their children remains protected. “We won the battle to choose a doctor and choose a treatment,” he said. The Cherrixes said the end of the court case means a return to full-time focus on their son’s health. “Now they can take their battle to the hospitals and treatment rooms where it needs to be fought,” Stepanovich said.

Tumors in Abraham’s neck and chest are continuing to grow, and Rose Cherrix broke into tears as she described her son’s bravery in the face of his illness. “He inspires me as well as I think he inspires a lot of people in this country,” she said. The outpouring of concern for Abraham extended to the bench Wednesday. As Judge Tyler prepared to exit the court, he turned toward the teenager and said, “God bless you, Mr. Cherrix.”

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Thank you friends for all of your encouragement you’ve poured out on me here. I needed to hear the “keep your chin up” stuff. I am really looking forward to this weekend of having a few days to myself. The best part? I get to spend part of the day Saturday with my friend and mentor Linda to kick off my “Niki Time”. How awesome is that???

My friend Jared (aka Kingjaymz) posted another one of his silly quizzes, this one “Which breakfast cereal are you?” It’s only 5 questions long and the results made me laugh. Go to his blog for the link to it…I am Cheerios. I commented to J that I can blame my mom for this because she didn’t buy sugary cereals for us growing up unless it was our birthday. To this day I HATE Puffed Wheat, Puffed Rice and that nasty big log of Shredded Wheat. What the heck was she thinking? I think our dentist brainwashed her…that creepy guy who gave out dental floss for Halloween! haha (kidding Mom!) 😉

It got me to thinking about some of the wacky family traditions we had…beginning with Birthday Cereal. Every year on our birthday we got to pick out a box of cereal – ANY kind we wanted. (I loved Cookie Crisp and Fruity Pebbles) Each kid (3 of us) got 1 bowl of the special cereal and the rest of the box belonged to the birthday kid. Michael never caught on that Lennie and I used bigger bowls on his birthday. hehe (jk) I remember calling my mom after I left for college to ask her if she was mailing me a box of “Birthday Cereal”? We still joke about it and it always makes us laugh. I’ve even mailed Lennie cereal for his birthday. People think we’re nuts…and they’re right! We loved this wacky tradition!

I’ll share more wacky family traditions in the future when I don’t know what to post about. Mom, I know you’re reading this – my birthday was 3 weeks ago and I still haven’t received this particular package! 😉

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I have a really thick skull sometimes. I run myself ragged trying to “do life” and for what? I come to a place where I can barely function for a few days. And I do mean barely function! I let the kids have cereal for breakfast and lunch so the 6 year old can be in charge and I don’t have to cook. I have a nice stack of DVD’s lined up on the counter so the kids can rest their brains for the day ( Max is also an expert at our entertainment system) while I mope around the house, periodically dropping onto the couch to veg and zone out. No I don’t read, or blog, or listen to music – all the things I love – I just stare off into space and ponder life and how I’m lacking as a mother, wife, friend, and believer. I occasionally chase the kids outside for some exercise…just one more thing I’m sucking at. Yeah, satan is kicking the crap out of me right now.

I’m thankful that these spells of depression are few and far between and that generally I’m a normal person. I know, normal is as normal does. (thanks Forest!) I’ve been reading a book with a friend, Women Who Do Too Much, and I see myself all over every page. I’m a supermom – I can do it all. I can balance and spin an unbelievable amount of plates all at once. But is that good for me? Sometimes I don’t just let them fall – I grab them out of the air and send them smashing against the wall. I always thought being a multi-tasker was a good thing. I know sometimes it is, but when did I start multi-tasking in superspeed? When that happens life makes me dizzy and I want to scream to get off the ride. That’s when I have a day or two like I did this week. In general I’m not overcommitted to anything as far as scheduling – except for this morning.

I signed up to set up candles before worship for the month of August, then Benny and I were scheduled to teach the 4-5 year old class today. I also sang with the worship band…except they had to come and get me from class when it was time and nobody remembered. By the time Josh came to get me and we made it back to the worship room, the band had begun the first song. I was flustered as I walked up to the front and took my place behind my microphone, got my breath and jumped right in. Some would call that me being professional…I was internally dismayed that I had let that get out of hand. I asked the teaching coordinator to take my name off the teaching list. I had signed up before I auditioned for the worship team, and now it’s just too much and my heart leans towards the singing over the teaching. I don’t care if other people have juggled both before – I can’t.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I let myself be emptied out without filling myself up again. This week is going to be recovery time, then Benny is going to Chicago for the weekend to speak at a youth event there. While he is gone I’m taking the kids to Buena Vista to stay with his parents for a few days and I’m going to rest and refuel BY MYSELF…well…me and the dog. I can hardly wait. I’m also going to be focusing and preparing for my talks next month at the retreat. satan would love to keep me tired and busy and empty. Too bad for him – jerk!

An old Acappella song just came to mind so I think I’ll share the words, and thank you God for the reminder! You’re too good to me! 😉

RESCUE

Lord You know everything I’ve done
Every thought I’ve had, You know every one
And Lord You know every time I fall
Still You come to my rescue when I call

Lord You hear every idle word,
Every thoughtless deed, how it seems absurd
That Lord You give, not what I am due
But mercy; You come to my rescue

You come to my rescue, rescue (x4)

Lord You care and You’ve become my friend
Amazing love whose boundaries have no end
And Lord You show what a greater love can do
By being there for my rescue

And Lord I give all I can give (all my heart)
All of my heart as long as I shall live
So Lord, oh Lord, I just want to thank You
For coming, coming to my rescue
You come to my rescue, rescue (x4)

It’s hard to tell You just how grateful I am
But I’m still gonna make it show.
With every breath gonna let You know
I am accepting though I can’t comprehend
How I could be worth the cost When I was bound, despised and lost

Lord I give all I can give (all my heart)
All of my heart as long as I shall live
So Lord, oh Lord, I just want to thank You (I really want to thank you)
For coming, for coming to my rescue
You come to my rescue, rescue (x2)
He is always there for me (rescue, rescue)
And he’ll be right, right there for you (rescue, rescue)
Oh Lord I know I don’t deserve it (rescue, rescue)
But you love me anyhow (rescue, rescue)
You come to my rescue (rescue, rescue)
Keep on coming to my rescue (rescue, rescue)

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