Sometimes I Write

30 Day People Challenge – Day 4: Your Dad

Posted in Family, Holidays, Humor, Joy in the Journey, Just for fun, tagged #30peoplechallenge, 30 Day Challenge, Dad on November 4, 2015| 4 Comments »

Me: Hi Dad! So…I’m doing a writing challenge this month and YOU are my topic for today. Is there anything you do or don’t want me to tell the world about you?

Dad: (Long pause) What is this for? Facebook?

Me: No, it’s for my blog. A couple of my friends and I have taken a writing challenge for our blogs this month. So…this will be public.

Dad: Do you have to interview me?

Me: Um…sure! I can do that! What do you want to be when you grow up?

Dad: (Laughter) I don’t know if you’re being serious or not. I’ve actually joked about that recently.

Me: Dad. This is very serious business. (Holding back a giggle) Let’s start with an easier one…What’s your favorite color?

Dad: Well, when I buy a car, I tend to go with blue, but I really like green, you know the color we painted our office? It’s also the color of money. (He laughs again)

Me: Good answer! I love green. It’s my favorite too. Okay…Tell me something fun on your bucket list.

Dad: Aruba. I’d like to vacation there sometime. I always thought that would be interesting.

Me: Well, I know you’ve traveled a lot, any chance that will become a reality?

Dad: I don’t know…maybe.

Me: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve done so far on your travels?

Dad: Shari made me go parasailing with her. I didn’t want to go, but now I’m glad I did. We also really enjoyed snorkeling in the Bahamas.

We chatted for a bit longer about Max’s girlfriend and what I’ve written about so far with the challenge, then my friend Cherie showed up to surprise me with Chai (YAY!) so I had to wrap it up…

Me: Okay Dad, I’m going to write this post tonight and tomorrow I’ll send you a link to it…and a picture of Max’s girlfriend.

Dad: Can you use an alias?

Me: (Laughing) I think the title of the post will make the use of an alias a moot point. Okay, what would your alias be, Dad?

Dad: Uh…Elmer.

Me: Elmer???

Dad: I supposed Fudd would be too obvious.

Me: Hahaha yeah, probably.

Dad: Elmer Johnson, then.

Me: That sounds like a very Wisconsin-ish name. Okay, Elmer. I love you. I’ll chat with you soon!

He cracks me up! 🙂

Since I didn’t record the conversation, I may be slightly off in the details, but this was fun. I love my dad. He’s a funny man. I don’t get to see him very often, but I really enjoy our time together, and we do have our phone conversations to look forward to. He’s good to me and he’s a good grandpa to my kids. Then there is my wonderful stepmom, Shari. My dad has a treasure in that woman! She’s a spunky, fun grandma!

Every year or so when I venture back to Wisconsin, my dad throws a huge party for me. My siblings and their families, aunts, uncles, and cousins all come over for a family cookout and we eat northern food, talk about the Packers, and tease my dad about his pride and joy – his impeccable lawn. 😉 It’s one of my favorite things about “going home.” After these parties, I go to bed feeling like I’ll burst – not from the food, but from the overload of emotions. I feel wanted and accepted and loved. My dad does that for ME. Wow.

We got to spend Easter with them this year. It was the first time in ten years all of my kids were in Wisconsin at the same time, so we did the “Grandpa tour”. He showed them the houses he lived in and his old school, he took them to the skate park and watched them do their tricks on their skateboards, and he showed them his model train and let them run the controls. We also introduced them to the wonder that is blue moon ice cream, and I drove them all over the city on the “Mommy tour”. It was a great trip!

Isn’t he handsome? Every Father’s Day I pull this photo out and post it on Facebook. It’s an older one, but I love it. I didn’t grow up with my dad, but he’s been in my life since I was in college. I’ve known him much longer than I haven’t. I don’t tell him often enough, but I’m crazy about him! (Even if he needs a better alias. We’ll work on that.)

Check out these other Dad posts:

30 Day People Challenge – Day 3: Your Mom

Posted in Family, Learning to Cope, tagged #30peoplechallenge, 30 Day Challenge, mom, writing challenge on November 3, 2015| 6 Comments »

This CHALLENGE is aptly named. Some people are more challenging than others, yeah? I could let myself off the hook and choose a mother figure, but part of the reason I do these challenges is to make myself do hard things. It’s good practice for life. Life is hard.

I haven’t had any contact with my mother since July. It’s by choice, both mine and hers. Mine because there has been a need for stronger boundaries and healing in our relationship for years and I’m finally taking care of myself and drew the boundaries I needed. Hers because she chooses not to take responsibility for her actions and doesn’t respect boundaries. I won’t go into detail here, but I will say that I plan to post more in the future regarding dealing with parents with mental illness.

I am not blind to my mother’s good qualities. She loves God, her family, and her friends. People who meet her think she’s nice. She’s creative and artistic, and resilient. She’s also overly medicated for her many different mental illnesses, disorders, and a varied set of physical issues due to polio when she was a child, and extreme allergies as an adult. Add to that her horrifically abusive childhood, and you get a small glimpse into my life as her oldest, and only girl child. I know I’m one of millions with family members who fit a lot of that description. I’m guessing someone out there will read this and nod their head, understanding me on a deeper level because they’ve been there. Mental illness sucks.

Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in life, and I didn’t want to be one because I thought I’d stink at it. I cried when I found out I was pregnant with Max because I was so scared I’d become my mother. It turns out I’m pretty good at this mom thing. Still, every Mother’s Day is a struggle for me to view the holiday through the eyes of a mother instead of a wounded daughter. I’m getting there. I haven’t mailed any cards that say, “Happy Mother’s Day, I’m thriving in spite of how you raised me.”

She did some things right, but they get overshadowed by the things she did/does wrong. I know she struggled to be a single mom and there were many times my brothers and I didn’t make it easy for her. I know she thinks she did the best she could. As a child, and again as an adult, I vowed I wouldn’t be her, or parent like her, or be the kind of wife she is, or deal with my struggles like she does. I know women joke about turning into their mothers, but for me that was a real fear. I wonder if she felt that way too; her mother was no picnic either.

Generations of women in my family have passed on a legacy of fear, control, and manipulation to their children. I refuse to live like that. I fight NOT to be those things. I cannot, do not, and will not continue the cycle of abuse passed down on my mother’s side of the family. It ends with me, even if that means she is no longer part of our life. I don’t know if the future holds mending for our relationship, or if I even want that right now. Here’s what I do know…

Our last interaction was on July 4^th. America’s Independence Day. It wasn’t planned that way, but it‘s become quite symbolic for me. Since then I’ve experienced a freedom I have been craving for most of my life. Freedom comes at a cost, but I keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for her – what she does or what she says, and that feels really, really good.

Anne Lamott once said, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

I agree.

Read about my fellow challenger’s moms:

30 Day People Challenge – Day 1: The Person You Love Most

Posted in Family, Free to be me, Humor, Joy in the Journey, Just for fun, Marriage, tagged #30peoplechallenge, 30 Day Challenge, Benny Nowell, people challenge, True Love, writing challenge on November 1, 2015| 1 Comment »

Allow me to gush for a moment. Isn’t he handsome? This is the love of my life.

It was a cold day in January when we met on the campus of York College in York, Nebraska. I remember it clearly. He does not. Whatever. It wasn’t until a couple of months later when we were both cast in the school play that I really took notice of him. We were dating a month later, and unofficially engaged a month after that. Benny likes to tell people I proposed to him, but we all know that’s not true. After all, I had the entire York choir present when he popped the famous question. There are LOTS of juicy details to our story, but for the sake of this post, I’m going to skip ahead to the present day.

In May we celebrated twenty-two years of marriage, y’all! I threw that “y’all” in there for his benefit, since he’s a Texan. Yes, that sweet, funny, polite, southern boy married me – a kind, fierce, opinionated, Yankee girl. Along the way we learned what love really means and we’ve been spreading it around as much as possible ever since. We made three cute babies, who are growing up nicely. People can’t decide if they look more like me or him. What do you think?

I’m okay with them looking like him. My bearded wonder is hot!

And funny. The kids got that from him too.

For our 20th anniversary, I spent a month making a list of things I love about Benny. It’s a little long to share the whole thing, but here are a few of the highlights:

Benny is intentional. He still pursues me. He is kind. Friends and strangers alike are drawn to his kindness. He has a father’s heart. He carries in him the amazing ability to touch the hearts of the fatherless and those who need to hear how special and loved they are. Our kids aren’t the only ones who call him Popa.

Benny is romantic. When we can’t afford fresh flowers, he texts pictures of them to me. He flirts with me. Sometimes it’s even appropriate and suitable for the public.

Benny has big, strong hands. I feel safe when his fingers wrap around mine, or play with my hair, and when they rest on the small of my back when we’re standing in conversation with others. They’re the same hands that threw our children in the air then caught them when they were small, eliciting squeals of delight, and the hands that now wipe away tears after an injury. With the same gentleness in which he holds his family, his hands bring healing to our friends and those we encounter on the streets. His hands carry heavy loads for those who need help carrying things, and lull babies to sleep at church. Yes, I love his hands.

Benny is a dreamer and visionary. He’s the one who comes up with the plans and I help figure out how to make them work. We’re a good team. He’s bold and courageous, and a fiercely loyal friend. You want him in your corner because you can trust he’ll have your back.

Benny loves me even when I’m a pain in the ass, and he doesn’t make me go camping with him. That’s a marriage saver right there!

Benny Nowell is my no-brainer choice for the inaugural post of this challenge.

I love him the most.

Be sure to check out who my fellow challenger friends love the most:

nikinowell.wordpress.com/2015/11/01/30-day-people-challenge/

It’s not too late to join us! Get the details here:

Becoming a Simple Minimalist: Tackling a Teenage Boy Room

Posted in De-cluttering, Family, Nowell Kiddos, Parenting, tagged decluttering, minimalism, teenage boy clutter on August 20, 2015| 1 Comment »

Armed with my handful of black trash bags, I donned my scuba mask (the kind that covers your nose) and heavy-duty gloves, preparing for my trek to the man-child’s room. As I traversed the first mountain of dirty clothes, I regretted my decision not to pack a sandwich. I could be in here for hours! I heard a groan from across the room, then a large lump on the bed whined, “Do we have to do this today?”

“Be brave, Tris” I whispered.

He didn’t get my Divergent joke, or find the mask and gloves the least bit funny.

While almost none of this story is true, (the groaning and trash bags were real) Max was nervous but determined to clear out his stuff. And guess what? We did it!

We spent the morning distracted by friendly visitors, including a very sweet and cuddly 3-month-old named Lillian Grace. When everyone left, I explained my plan to my firstborn and we got to work. Together. That was the key. I could yell and scream at that kid for hours about cleaning up his room, shaming him for letting it get so out of hand, and threatening to take away his birthday, but I decided to try out the adage about catching flies with honey instead of vinegar.

Before we began, I made a list of questions for us to ask as we deliberated over the harder choices of what to part with:

We started at the doorway and chatted while we worked side by side, sorting clothing, shoes, papers, books, trash, and projects.

Oh. My. Word. Max loves projects. He’s a creative spirit and his hands are always moving, shaping, cutting, crafting, carving, and duct-taping. And his room tells the tale. His work table alone qualifies for hoarding status.Well, it did. Now it’s a sleek work space.

All of my children are sentimental, so I wondered if this purging quest would challenge them to tears. I was a bit surprised as I watched Max toss things in the trash I was sure he’d have a reason for keeping. I was prepared to talk him through it, but he was doing fine on his own, so I kept my mouth SHUT! In the case of decluttering, more is better, and there was no way I was slowing that process down.

I didn’t ask him why he kept every scrap of paper his girlfriend has ever given him, or why he needs a dozen green lantern rings, but I was truly puzzled why he had four shoes with no mates. Seriously? Four? How does that even happen?

At the end of the day we had cleared out three large bags of trash, donated over half of his stuff to the thrift store down the street, and discovered he does in fact have carpet in his room.

What did we learn from this hours-long process?

It’s not about organizing your stuff, it’s about getting rid of stuff so you have less to organize.
Stuff quickly becomes junk when left on the floor to get stepped on.
Teenage boys can reach a breaking point with their clutter and beg to just bag everything up and start over.
It’s possible to have too many pillows and blankets, and pens. The boy has almost as many pens as I do!
He slept better in his clean space last night, and I slept better knowing we’re almost half way done! We didn’t work on the house today, but tomorrow is all about Zoe’s room, the bathrooms, and hall closets.

I almost forgot! Not only did a friend stop by with Chai, Benny and Zoe purged the kitchen and dining room for me!

How about you? Are you inspired to purge your own house yet? Are you ready to embrace simple minimalism? What is the strangest thing you’ve decluttered? Does it beat four mismatched shoes?